Ask Ken!

Hi there Ken,

We are in a band in England called Friends of Ken.
Here is a link to our myspace
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=24651360
We have just finished our new album (and it’s great!) But we need a title?
What can you suggest?

Many thanks, your friends.

Friends of Ken

 

Dear Friends,

Perhaps it’s that my aging process has been accelerate by the leeching effects of my young children, or maybe it’s that I’ve become a parent and there’s some cosmic requirement that this be the case but, frankly, most music these days sounds like pure and utter crap to me. Good news for you and the rest of the world, however, because I took the time to listen to your tracks on MySpace and they didn’t sound like pure and utter crap. In fact, I quite liked it. Even better for you, since I was a child I dreamt that I’d be in a band and I’ve kept a list of album names. Given the possibility of my forming a band any time before I slip from this mortal coil is about as great as Britney Spears and the Pope hooking up and having some holy (or would that be unholy?) offspring, I offer you my full list of album names:

Unholy Offspring
Animal Farm
Nolo Contendere
Hot Nuts
Geophagy
Blunderbuss
Tiny Mitochondria
The Off-White Album
Words Set To Music
Juiced
What The Kids Are Into
Swamp Rats & Satellites
Bushlickr
Lies And Damned Lies
Brothers Gotta Hug 

and, of course, my favorite:

!

Feel free to use any or all these ideas, no questions asked.

Good luck!,

Ken! 

Dear Ken!,
I have two teenage daughters. OK if 3 of us stay in one hotel room?

gibb

Dear Gibb,
I’m one of those uncommon sorts whose beverage of choice is not wine, beer or soda but water. Pure, plain, simple water. I can’t imagine a better beverage, really. Lately, though, when I’ve been enjoying a tall glass of water I’ve been coming back to the same though. And the thought is this:

Given the billions of years the earth has been around, the relatively fixed amount of water on this earth and the billions of people and animals who have all consumed earthly water then passed it along as urine, aren’t I ultimately drinking something that has come out of someone or something else as pee? Sure, it’s been purified and cleansed by natural and civic processes but still, it was pee at some point.

Fortunately, by the time I’ve nearly finished my delicious glass of water I’ve reached another conclusion:

I enjoy the water so much it really doesn’t matter who or what pissed it out or when. It’s really what you make of it.

Just like sharing a hotel room with your two teenage daughters. If it’s just three family members sharing a hotel room then it’s just that. If it’s hot naughty time in the hotel room with your two girls, that’s a different story.

Ken!

Dear Ken!,
My fiancee and I have been dating for a little while now and our relationship started out based on sex. We hooked up the first night we met, didn’t go to class for the next couple of days and instead just stayed cooped up in his dorm room. We have decided that since we have been having sex so often [about 3 to 5 times a day] we want to give it a break for a bit and make sure that the sex isn’t the only reason why we are together and so madly in love with one another. After all, we are in this till death do us part and we can’t have sex for the rest of our lives to solve everything, or else we won’t ever be truly happy in the long run. Do you have any suggestions as to how to resist the temptation? Please let me know! Thanks!

Sincerely,
Confused Bride-To-Be
 

Dear Ken!,
Ken, I met my wife in January of 2002 and we were married in March of 2003.  When we were dating, my wife used to suck my cock all of the time and was very willing to please me.  In early 2005, my wife became very religious and stopped giving me head.  She won’t even let me go down on her anymore!!!!!  She is always watching religious programming on the television and talking to me about God.  I don’t mind that she is religious.  I actually respect that.  However, this has divided us and made our sex life virtually non-existent.  I have tried talking to her on several occasions and she refuses to compromise.  What can I do?

Bored in Bama

 

Dear Readers In Various Stages of Marital and/or Coital Bliss,

I couldn’t help but place these two emails in close proximity to each other. If nothing else, the irony is delightful. Normally I would go on an anti-religion rant in answer to Bored in Bama but, frankly, I’m having a hard time answering the question, "Whose cock would Jesus suck?" Not that I know the guy or anything but I can’t imagine he would be blowing a lot of dudes. Or even orally servicing the ladies, for that matter. He’s probably too busy with other matters.

If anything, Bored, you should rest comfortably in the knowledge that someone, somewhere is fucking like wildcats about three to five times a day and enjoying every minute of it, even if their planned marriage will likely fail when one, the other or both slip into the comfortable rut that is married life and/or pass away from severe lack of electrolytes.

Ken!
 

Hi Ken!!!
Yes, I’m still around….long long long time no write!!!  I’m SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pleased to see ASK KEN on the "tinternet" in a new vamped up form……..Long may you and your problem pages live.  You’ve helped me in the past and I can see you are still helping people…so I’ll just hop off and let you carry on!! Lovely reading ya Ken!!!

The Universal Bunny xxxx

 

Dearest U-B,

Growing up I was always baffled that parents just didn’t understand what it was like to be kids. I mean, everyone was a child at one point. Couldn’t they dredge up some vague notion of what the world was like through my wide eyes? Alas, they did rarely. And like many kids, I swore I’d never do the same when I was an adult.

Now I have a hard time conjuring up details of the heydays of Ask Ken!, the heady 90’s: the days of Bill Clinton, fiscal excess, this new thing called the internet, lunch nookie on the top of an Apple Computer carpark. I suppose there’s good reason why it’s all just a purple haze.

My life has changed so much since then: at one time I railed against The Man; now I am The Man. I used to have hours to ponder others personal and domestic quandaries; now I wallow in my own with nary a spare moment for myself each day. And most importantly, I traded my five leafed good bud for a sweet three year old good bud and his so-sweet-it-makes-your-teeth-hurt little sis. But as fondly as I look back on the early days of Ask Ken! and even miss it, I wouldn’t trade what I’ve got now. My random nattering is not even a footnote on the internet and will some day slip into an oblivion when I finally let the Ask Ken! domain expire and my backups are absent-mindedly erased. The time I put into my children, however, leaves a legacy that lasts generations.

And, for the record, now that I have my own kids, I do, in fact, remember what it was like to see the world from their perspective. On some days it makes raising them easier and on others, much, much harder.

 
Ken!