Q: Who are you and why do you have nude photos of my spouse?
A: For specifics of who Ken! is, read the your local police blotter or visit Ken!’s Humble Beginnings. For the nude photos of your spouse, check out Google Images. They’re all right in there for the whole world to see.
Q: Do you email your answers to those who submit questions?
A: No. Ask Ken! is about helping people. Okay, occasionally we poke fun at people, but it’s mostly about helping. In our experience most people feel isolated in this modern world where we spend more time in front of the television and steering wheel than talking with others. By sharing problems and answers with all our readers we seek to bring people together.
Q: I want to ask a question but I’m afraid there’s some way you/my friends/my family/my employers/the government/employees of psychic helplines will find out who I am.
A: If you submit your questions using email of course I’ll know what your email address is but my knowing your address is “kwijibo@isp.com” doesn’t tell me a heck of a lot unless I know you personally which is unlikely because I don’t have many friends. If you include email addresses as part of your question, Ask Ken! has a policy of removing or altering the addresses to protect your identity.
If you use the on-line form to submit a question the only information provided to Ask Ken! Industries Unlimited, Ltd. is your IP address which is never included in the final column.
Q: What about frogs?
A: I like frogs.
Q: Does Ask Ken! appear in any of them old-fashioned printed thingies? I think they call them newspapers and magazines?
A: No, but it’s not out of lack of desire. We simply haven’t found a newspaper or magazine with enough balls to print our column.
Q: When you say “we” when referring to the column, who are you referring to?
A: The “we” are the many voices I hear in my head.
Q: What makes you qualified to give advice?
A: I’ve got enough money, technical knowledge and time to support this web site. And I did technical support for a major software company for two years. After that, personal problems seem like a piece of cake.
Q: How old are you?
A: Old enough to know better but young enough to do it anyway. Actually, now I’m only enough to have done it, to think back on it fondly then wonder how I survived it without getting arrested/deported/a sexually transmitted disease and/or run off by her shotgun-wielding father.
Q: How do I find _______ on the web?
A: What? Do I look like fucking Google here?
Q: What do you look like?
A: I don’t look like Google.
Q: Do you have a job? How do you find time to answer all these questions?
A: Let’s just say that not all of the secret military budget goes towards developing sound-based weapons that causes people to soil their pants. I have the time to do this column because there’s not much else to do when you live in a 23 foot by 23 foot cabin in the Montana wilderness.
Q: Are you really “America’s longest running advice column”?
A: Define “longest running”.
A: That’s the beauty of advice: you still have the choice to whether to follow it or not. Ain’t free will great?
Q: But do humans really have free will?
A: I dunno, you tell me. Do you make conscious choices about your life or do you do everything the pastor/pope/rabbi/television/boss tells you to?
Q: How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
A: 2.3 cords an hour.
Q: Is Ask Ken! affiliated with any company, church, multi-national corporation or social movement?
A: No. All thoughts, ideas and opinions expressed are entirely those of the author. Ask Ken! is not and never will be the lackey of organized religion, the media or big business. And we don’t believe you should be, either.
Q: You’ve offended me.
A: And where does it say life should be inoffensive? Who says being offended every now and then is a bad thing? Life isn’t always easy. Deal with it.
Q: Your column has led to a renaissance in my life; I’ll never be the same again. How can I thank you?
A: Pass it on.