January 13, 2003 Ken!'s New Year's Tibits o' Wisdom & The Sheep Are Kinky

Dear Readers, As reward for making it through an especially grinding and dark holiday season I've received some tasty tidbits of wisdom and it only seems fair to share... Ken!'s New Year 2003 Tidbits o' Wisdom Eating too many dried apples affects one's digestive system the same way too many fresh apples do. A remodel project, whether it be a house or an underground lair, is like poetry: it's never really finished. So quit asking forchristsake! Welcome, Big Brother. John Poindexter was recently appointed head of a military project called Total Information Awareness <http://www.darpa.mil/iao/> that is, amongst other things, a computer system to collect and analyze everything from credit card and bank transactions to travel and internet usage. You thought all that stuff was private? Read the fine print. And if the name John Poindexter sounds familiar it's because he's the same Poindexter from the Iran/Contra scandal. Decades before that he was a key player in Nixon's operation to traffic and sell opium to fund his secret war in Cambodia. <sarcasm> Real nice guy. And he cares about our Constitutional rights, too. </sarcasm> Verbs are passé in the broadcast news business. I mean, "Verbs passé in the broadcast news business, hear the details at 11." 111010100010101010100110100101010101010001100101010100101001010100101010 100110100001000010101010111111111111010101010101111010110101101011010101 010101111101110101010100001100101010001110101000101000101011101010101001 01010101010 001010101010110110101111001011111010101001010010100100111111 1100101010101 (for all the computers out there) An old song for the new millennium holiday seasons: "I Wanna Be Sedated" Play it alongside all that "Let It Snow" crap. And finally, this Bush oil war. While the U.N. inspectors report they haven't found any evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, the United States continues to send troops to the Middle East. It's almost as if the war is a forgone conclusion. At the same time North Korea rattles their sabers and the U.S. response is virtual silence (compared to the to-do over Iraq). The rest of the world is not stupid; they see the one key resource Iraq has and North Korea doesn't: oil. Regardless of Bush's true intent any action in Iraq will be seen as the U.S.'s attempts to control a significant chunk of Middle East oil. Period. And that doesn't go down well anywhere outside of this land of amber waves of grain. Bush has got a ticket to armageddon and it's stamped "express". Ken!

Dear Ken!, I go to Independent studies, one night i was their late and then this girl walks in, she's smart also beautiful i never have the guts to say anything to her not even hi.Somtimes i catch her looking at me well at least i think she is but i dont know if she looks cause im wierd or if i am dumb or if she finds me attractive or if it is hints that she wants me to say somthing or she probably never did look at me. I want to ask her out or get to know her but i dont know what to say first. i do not know what to say what to ask, i feel as if i were to go to her and go blank, i am scared she will say no or think im ugly, i think i am but alot of girls who are my friends say im cute but i think they say that to make me feel better what should i do about this girl. i dont want to blow it and set next to her for the next semister knowing i made a fool out of my self. Carlos

Dear Carlos, Rather than starting off with the hard stuff like trying to get with her go in easy. Start a conversation with her about something mundane that you two have in common-- like independent study. Or something going on in school. Once you start talking the rest gets easier: you find common interests, you make some jokes, you have a better reason to approach her again next time you see her. Give it time and take it slow. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I am a 27 year old virgin, who lives with her long term boyfriend. The problem is my partner and I have never had sex, which is my fault entirely. I'm scared to go to the doctors because I don't want the little operation that they will have to do. I love my partner to bits but whenever we try and make love I clam up down below. It must be so frustrating for my partner, but he is really understanding. Please please help. Frustrated

Dear Frustrated, What, you want me to perform the little operation? Sure I've got all the tools but that doesn't make me a doctor (although I play one on teevee). I'm curious, though, as to whether you've spoken with a doctor about this or the sheer fear of it all has kept you away completely. My experience with doctors is that they won't embark on any procedure without your consent first. Surely it wouldn't hurt to talk with a doctor about the problem. Certainly it wouldn't hurt any more than the reason you're there. I understand these things can have a variety of causes and you owe it to yourself and your lover to explore that, learn about your options and then make the best-educated choice for yourself. Don't let fear run your sex life. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, we are very happy and plan to one day marry. The reason we haven't yet is that he is still married to his ex, and going through a long, long, divorce. He left her 2 years ago because he was in love with me. We had a non-sexual friendship which turned to love for both of us. We tried to fight it but could not deny it. They were unhappy, sleeping in seperate rooms for the past ten years, she was very cruel to him, lots of times in public, according to his friends. Our life is fine and wonderful when she is either not bothering us or seeing someone else. She has tried to get me fired from my job and even called the IRS on me, as well as publically humiliating me every chance she gets. But every she time she calls and is wants to see him, he goes, knowing how much it hurts me. It is not that I do not trust him, it's her, she has proven time and time again that she wants him back, she is dragging out the divorce, she makes up reasons, such as selling the house that in the same breath she does want to even give him his fair share of. I can see through her ploys, but apparantly he can't. I try not to get involved, but when he goes to see her when there is no reason the conversation can't be over the phone, it hurts me, because I feel that I am being disrespected. When she is really serious about selling the house, the realtor/lawyers can do the work. So I told him it bothers me when he goes to see her and he said basically, too bad, I'll go there when I want. I love him so much and I am more mad at myself for not saying screw you i have been good to you, you should respect my feelings, and if you'd rather be civil, i'm all for it, but do it over the phone, please. Tell me, am I being unreasonable and too insecure and not trusting as he says or should I worry about feelings he may be harboring??? HELP!! Mae

Dear Mae, Your boyfriend didn't spring into being the first moment you laid eyes on him; he has lived as much of a life as you have. At one point his feelings were sufficiently deep for him to decide to marry this woman. As someone who's been there, often one can't just throw all of that out like the Bush Administration threw out our civil rights. Give him some freekin' room to sort out his affairs. The tighter you squeeze the quicker he'll slip through your fingers. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have a question. It has realy been buging me. Why don't sheep shrink in the rain? All your wool clothing shrink after you wash so why don't the sheep shrink when the rain is over? ki

Dear Ki, To put it simply: the sheep are kinky and the wool sweater is woven. Sure it's the same stuff but in far different configurations. Just goes to prove (in a roundabout fashion) it's not what you have but what you do with it that counts. Ken!

Dear Ken!, i love your column and know if anyone, you may have a helpful take for me. i am in a little bit of a mess. i had a baby without my parents knowing. she is a month old today and we live a secret life with the baby daddy. the reason i have not had the heart to tell them is because it would break their hearts on so many levels. the main thing is the race of the father. he is black and i am chinese. i don't know how much you know about the chinese culture but more or less it is racist. like how white folks were so severly not so long ago. second, i am unwed. in fact, i am not in love and never plan on marrying the baby daddy. to my mother this would be the end of all she has ever dreamed for me. her chinese daughter being a single mother, of a black child, no less. not to mention he is not any sort of a rich professional man she had always dreamed for me. why did i have the baby? because she was life and i knew she would be beautiful. and she has turned out more than I ever dreamed. as the days pass i feel more and more a need to share my daughter with my parents, for the simple fact that i feel i am depriving all of them. yet at the same time i know it will hurt my parents beyond severly and simply have not had the heart to do it. a final twist: my parents are chinese catholics, which means this news will not only deem, in their eyes, that i will, for the rest of my life, be exiled socially and economically, but (as with having premaritial sex), spiritually, the rest of eternity. how can i hurt them like this? ken, can you help me? a new mommy

Dear New Mommy, The pain your family may feel is their pain, not yours. You are filled with joy and love over your creation and rightfully so. As you well know childbirth can be a transformative experience, but not just for the mothers. I have never seen any topic transform a group of men from grunting outdoorsmen to doting daddies faster than the birth of their own children. Perhaps when the need to reveal your secret is greater, the beauty and innocence of your sweet child will transform their lives too. You've got the cards in your hand. They've got to be played sometime. The only question is when. Ken!

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