January 20, 2003 Let's Hear You Whinny & Thurmond Borrowed Booty

Dear Ken!, After using ICQ for 3 years and getting an endless, irritating stream of messages each day from men (and women????) of all ages, I have found a way to ensure that no-one bothers me anymore. I recently split up with a boyfriend and so changed my profile 5 days ago to read: Cheeky, attractive, affectionate single woman, 5'5, dark grey eyes, red hair, 63kgs, well-spoken, smoker/drinker. I have 2 children aged 10 & 13. Seeking confident, honest, tall, dark-haired male for friendship with VTPR (view to permanent relationship). Since I changed it a week ago, I can count on one finger the amount of messages I have received (and I think he only messaged me because he was lost or didnt read the user details!). Does this mean that ALL men are unavailable and only looking for cyber or to get laid when on icq. That no men ever want a relationship? Or am I just oversensitive...lol. You're a man. You have brilliant writing skills. Is there a way to put forth the notion that I'm in dating mode (not up for casual sex or toyboys) without scaring the bejeezus out of possible prospects. Can you write my doodle for me...pleeeease. And yeth I am a sex kitten but I dont want to say that....coz I tried that profile (for 3 days) and I got a thousand messages for massages...internal and external *blush*. Tracy....Widowed, Wich and Wanting

Dear Tracy, A woman is just as likely to form a long term relationship on ICQ as they are hanging out at titty bars-- those aren't places men typically go when they seek relationships. But clearly you enjoy your ICQ so as not to harsh your ICQ mellow I will write a couple doodles for you: Single, affectionate, 5'5" attractive female seeks confident, honest, tall, dark-haired male for friendship with VTPR. Send photo, bio and three references to question@kenspace.net. Slender red-haired beauty seeks confident, honest, sexy male for friendship with VTPR. Single, affectionate, 5'5" female, owns riding crop but no horse. Let's hear you whinny. Cheeky, attractive, affectionate single woman, 5'5, dark grey eyes, red hair, 63kgs, well-spoken, smoker/drinker. Seeking confident, honest, tall, dark-haired male for friendship with VTPR (view to permanent relationship). Won't anyone overlook the festering sores all over my body for just five minutes?!? I know these ideas are all over the place but I'm sure you can manage to condense down into one or two good doodles. Good luck on your quest for Mister confident, honest, tall and dark-haired. Ken!

Dear Ken!, can you find a job for a 8 yr old girl please make it around flesherton ontario please get back to me as soon as posible from a very nice girl named Samantha

Dear Samantha, I'm sure you're a very nice girl but there's a reason eight year old girls don't work: our society values children to the degree that it's illegal to employ a child below a certain age (and eight is certainly below that). We'd rather have you in school where your soul can slowly be extracted from you. (Don't get scared. It's a metaphor, which means your school doesn't really remove your soul. If you stay in school you'll get to metaphor soon enough.) So what I'm saying here is, "Hey, kids. Stay in school!" (Alright, now does that complete my community service, Mister Probation Officer, huh?) Ken!

Dear Ken!, Why does my girlfriend pussy taste very sour? Brad

Dear Brad, I once had a lover whose coochie was very salty. Later I found out she had a long-term affair going on with that dapper Don Juan Mr. Peanut. Sure, I was angry at first but I finally came around when I realized how difficult it was for a woman to resist the charms of Mr. Peanut. Perhaps Strom Thurmond borrowed your girl's booty. I don't suppose that's so likely considering his advanced age. And besides I must do something soon to vanquish the image of a pruny, naked Strom going to town on some cute late teenage female. Or maybe she's got some kind of infection. It happens. She can have it checked out at any Planned Parenthood for low or no cost. She owes it to herself to do that. How you break this all to her is your thang. I draw the line there. Ken!

Dear Ken!, There's this girl that i am madly in love with and today I find out she hates me for something my friend did when I didn't know So ken, what should i do?

Unlike later in your career at your early age you're more like a star: there's no such thing as bad publicity. But before you start shoplifting at Prada hear me out. At least she knows who you are. It's your friend who was the jerk, not you. And she's young and incapable of holding a grudge for long. Certainly not after you take this opportunity to set her straight on the whole matter then offer to take her out to prove how decent of a guy you are. That's how I'd play that, yo. Turn your liabilities into assets. That's the kind of logic that flies in L.A. Ken!

Dear Ken, I was just curious about file sizes. What are the new terms for byte sizes called? I was really looking for a chart to see how many kilobytes = megabytes, and how many megabytes = gigabyte? etc,etc,etc. I know there are flops and tetra's, but really not sure of the mathmatics behind them.( how many #'s equal $'s ???) Sorry if this question is lame, but technical terms i dont really know! Tsean

Dear Tsean, The conversion between megabytes and gigabytes is much like the evil metric system that dark forces conspired to foist upon elementary school children in the late 70's. Fortunately the metric system went the way of macramé. Mmmmm... potholders! But this measurement scheme isn't evil (although some of the people who use computers are). It's pretty simple, really. If you have 1,024 kilobytes you have one megabyte. If you download 1,204 1-megabyte porn mpegs, those files will take up 1 gigabyte of disk space. (Actually they'll take up more but we're talking numbers, not the practical crap.) So... A byte is equal to 8 bits. A kilobyte is equal to 1,024 bytes. A megabyte is equal to 1,024 kilobytes. A gigabyte is equal to 1,024 megabytes. A terabyte is equal to 1,024 megabytes. A petabyte is equal to 1,024 terabytes. An exabyte is equal to 1,024 petabytes. A zettabyte is equal to 1,024 exabytes. A yottabyte is equal to 1,024 zettabytes. And so on until the words get increasingly goofy. Now there's the whole significance of the powers of the eight in these numbers but I'm not in the mood to go into all of that detail-- another episode of MacGuyver is coming on and I have to see what he makes in this one. Ken!

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