January 27, 2003 Fight War, Not Wars! Fight War, Not Wars!

KEN do you know the person on the nickel and dime? liltoosweet

Do I know the people on the nickel and dime? Do I know them? I not only know them, my friend, but I hung with Thomas Jefferson, or TJ as we used to call him, and that horny bastard Kennedy. Those boys are my peeps! Those two, I tell ya, they knew how to party. An' TJ, he liked to puff puff, you know what I mean, on that chronic hemp. Heh. That boy would wake up the next morning with one of his slaves in his bed and no idea what had gone on. He had the chronic. And Johnny... the CIA would whack me if I told you what I knew about Johnny doin' acid in the White House with Marilyn Monroe. (Did I say that out loud?) Man, what the hell is it with these horny presidents wanting to fuck anything that moves? Why can't George W. Bush be more like Johnny and TJ? Rather than taking a clue from his failure to build any sort of coalition of nations to fight his predestined war, Bush is instead propelling the United States headlong towards war when our nation faces significant issues at home like unemployment, ballooning healthcare costs, the flagging economy, the growing deficit and funding shortages in our schools. This is one of the many reasons to oppose military action against Iraq. Now is the time to speak out against war. Now is when we take to the streets to oppose the war machine. Fight war, not wars! Ken!

Dear Ken!, My husband is often late, not just a little late but 1-1 1/2 hours. He not having an affair or anything like that, I'm sure. He is busy, an insurance agent and works after as a referee/umpire with the school kids. I know the games sometimes go longer than planned, but I am at my wits' end. I've tried getting mad, not talking to him, ignoring his lateness completely and any number of other ploys to try to change this behavior. I've even left without him and spent the evening away from the house by myself with no change. Any advice? D. Fisher

Dear D. Fisher, Let's be realistic here. Clearly your husband has demonstrated through his actions that he has no desire to alter his priorities. I get the sense that your issue with this is the unpredictability of his tardiness rather his priorities. The high tech solution to this problem is the cellular phone. Each of you get one of your own along with one of those family plans and there's no longer any good reason why you can't have an idea of how late he's running or where he can meet you after the game. At least that's how the rich, powerful, fabulous and nauseating do it. (Or so I hear.) Ken!

Dear Ken!, dear god where do i start? i have barely left the house in the past 3-4 years. i have not had a friend in two, a girlfriend in four, or a job for two years. i am perplexed by this because i have every advantage one would need. i am a young, single, attractive, white male with a MENSA level IQ. i have hurdles as well though. i am extremely lazy, i have no work experience, i am un-educated in any useful sense, i am apathetic, and irresponsible. also i dropped out of highschool so i only have a GED and 2 semesters at community college to my credit. i have seen therapists since i was about 15 on and off, i am 20 now. My question is, what can i do to get out of this slump, i have tried everything and nothing works for me...not pills, religion, therapy, self help books. i feel hopeless, and i want to get my life back on track before its too late. can you help me? pathetic

Fuck no! I can't do a thing for you. You're the one who's going to have to make a point of it to get out of the house once each day, most easily at a regular time and go for a walk. Take the same route each day for a while. Get to know the nuances of the route. You'll find the details of the homes and businesses fascinating. How a person keeps their home or business speaks volumes about a person and the choices they make. Or don't. Once you get comfortable with a route, change to some different, preferably longer itinerary. You might even stop off at a bookstore or café for a brief break. I can't make you do this. It's something you'll have to decide to do on your own each day. And you'll do it because you're worn down from your current existence and you want to change. Remind yourself of these reasons and get up, get out and get some fucking exercise. Ken!

Dear Ken!, what's rushin' fingers 56

Dear Agent 56, Let me illustrate the meaning of "rushin' fingers" with this brief play: Rushin' Fingers and Roamin' Hands An Illustrative Playlet by Ask Ken! Industries Unlimited, Ltd. Scene: A 1960's Southern girl's bedroom. Two beautiful young debutants sit on the bed gossiping. Cathy: I heard you went out with Adam Marshall last summer when I was at camp. How come you never told me about that? Laura Sue: [slightly blushing] We only really "went out" once and... [trailing off] Cathy: [knowingly] And WHAT? Laura Sue: There's something about that boy that makes me say "yes" when I know I should be saying "no". In no time his rushin' fingers and roamin' hands had my peach fuzz and panties all up in a dew somethin' fierce. [pauses briefly then titters] I thought I was gonna have to wring them out at the end of the night! The End Ken!

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