February 3, 2003 Dubya's Stringin' Himself Up Some Terrorists!

Dear Readers!, Kudos to all of you sharp-eyed readers (all zero of them) for catching my glaring and potentially politically volatile mistake in last week's missive. I was having such a good time with the whole notion of horny U.S. Presidents that I decided not to address the error when I realized that it wasn't JFK on the U.S. dime. Speaking of horny U.S. Presidents, during the State of the Union speech the other night George W. Bush demonstrated a whole new form of Presidential lust-- bloodlust-- when he not-so-subtly bragged about stringin' himself up some terrorists. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink Mr. President! Without due process? Say no more! Say NO MORE!? Say "no fucking more!" The very foundation of this nation is justice and due process. I don't care if Beelzebub himself is waiting in the county poky, to deny him/her/it/The Prince of Darkness due process simply because him/her/it/... is not a citizen of this nation is simply immoral. Is a person's life less valuable if it is not an American life? George W. Bush, the executioner from Texas apparently doesn't believe so. Say "no fucking more!" I'm not saying you have to stand on the street corner carrying signs with slogans like "Regime Change: USA!" I'm not saying you have to write letters to the editors of your local newspaper. But I am saying that if you object to the immoral actions of the President, now is the time to speak up. Clearly many of the mindless chattle of this nation know little or nothing about the dark, dark road this Administration is leading our nation down. Do something to pry their eyes from the soothing glow of the cathode ray tube long enough to see your message. And do it now. Ken! Confidential to George W.: The ends do not justify the means you fucking simpleton!

Dear Ken!, My parents are runing my life and i don't know what to do if you really are there and are listening then please listen i really need someone to talk to. C

Dear C, If I wasn't here to listen to your troubles I wouldn't be an advice columnist. It's what I do. Ken!

Dear Ken!, Hey I need a site that i can go to and get expert snowboarding trick tips can u help me out? Justin Mullen

Dear Justin Mullen, Are you saying I look like Google? Is that what you're saying, punk? Do I look like fucking Google here? Ken!

Dear Ken!, If Barbara's daughter is my daughter's mother, what am I to Barbara? Cathy

Dear Cathy, I don't know but this is all beginning to sound a lot like one of those small towns in Utah. Ken!

Dear Ken!, It's like this: I'm 20. I've been with my Boy for over 2 years. However, said boy is in the US and I'm in the UK for a semester. I can't think straight if I haven't had sex, and all these hot Brits have my panties in a bunch. Do I sleep with one for the sex and write it off to youthful indiscretion (and of course never leak it to The Boy), or keep my trousers on and rely on my vast (ha!) reserves of self-control, but possibly regret, for the rest of my life, that I never seized the day and got a piece of British ass? Is it really cheating if you and the "partner in crime" mutually don't give a crap and are both in it for the sex? Please help, these boys in scarves are everwhere and toooo damn tasty! Randy, randy girl

Dear Ms. Randy Girl, You're how old and you've been in a relationship for how long? Here's what I say: find yourself the nearest strapping British footballer and ride him for all he's worth. And if that's not enough get another. Indiscretions are far more acceptable from the young. (Just be willing to accept the responsibility for the result of your hard, hard ridin'.) Ken!

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