February 17, 2003 Ken!'s Name-That-War Game

Dear Readers, Despite the clear message sent to the United States at the United Nations last Friday and in complete defiance of the millions who took to the streets this weekend to take a stand against an immoral, illogical and unjust war, the Bush administration, along with British lap dog Tony Blair, have sworn to press on with their invasion planning. Despite my most optimistic hopes that enough people across the globe will stand in opposition to this insanity to force both sides to stand-the-fuck-down, I've already seen the first part of this made for Hollywood feature and I have a hunch the sequel will start pretty much like the first. So I've been giving this whole matter some thought and considering the naming debacle on the "war on terrorism" (what was that first suggestion, "Operation Holy Justice" or something completely nutty like that), I thought I'd provide some naming suggestions for all the Chiefs of Staff who read the column. Ken!'s Name-That-War Game Operation Quagmire Operation Infinite Pretzel World War Three Operation Eurasia (it'll be doubleplusgood!) Operation Tar Baby Operation When-I-Voted-For-George-Bush-I-Thought-I-Was-Voting-For-The-Older-One Operation Infinite Injustice Gulf War 2003® for the PS2 by konami Operation Ill-Conceived Operation Operation Get Revenge For Daddy Operation Dim Bulb Operation Big Oil Land Grab That should give you a little to chew on. And for desert ponder this: each one of those cruise missiles launched at Iraq cost you and me one million dollars. How many people in your community could be fed, housed and educated for the cost of one of those missiles? Ken!

Dear Ken!, Ok, Ken, I'll give you a try. Here goes- My wife and I have a problem with sex and I have made it worse. She wants it about 3 times a month, I want it 3 times a day. A little history is needed here. We dated for several years in high school. She found me to be a little lacking in the maturity department, and sent me on my way. I married someone else, had a kid, came back and got divorced, looked her up, and it was like we had never been apart. She was a (late) twenties version of the same little lady I still thought so much of. We married in no time. Just to clue you in on her and the kind of lady she is, when we got back together, she was still a virgin (LATE 20's!!!!). She didn't quite make it to her wedding night, but almost. We have been married now for more than a decade. Excluding the first year, the sex frequency has been about 3 to 4 times a month. Now for the bad part. I've made the problem worse. In an effort to get her more interested, I have tried everything in the book. Washing the dishes, tending the kids, cleaning house, attention to her and her attractiveness (Dear Abby is full of crap - if a man does the dishes, a wife doesn't get nekkid, she gets on the phone). In thinking that the lack of interest was because of me, I even invited an ex-boyfriend to help out (boy, was he shocked. Very much interested, though). Instead of becoming more interested, it seems all this caused her to retreat from sex even more. The more I try or bring it up the worse it is. To make matters worse, as conservative as she is, I am the opposite. I have always shared the opinion that a man wants a lady on his arm and a whore in bed. And sometimes a whore in the walmart dressing room too. I'm ready to give up. Along with being the sexiest lady I know, my wife is also my best friend, and I have no intention of giving up on her. The curve of her face has and will always make me smile, but the curve of her butt makes me want to hump a tree. Is there an anti viagra pill? I want something that will make it all go away. Nothing would make me happier than if I woke up one day and realized I had had no erection for the past month. Where does one find neutering services for people? I'm-tired-of-Dishpan-Hands

Dear Dishpan Hands, I'm certain if you searched around enough you could find someone to castrate you. And someone to videotape the whole mess. While potentially lucrative, that does not appear to be a viable option for you. We can eliminate infidelity while we're at it. That leaves drugs, discipline or discussion. There are plenty of medications out there that will eliminate any and all of your flesh-hungers. You could cultivate greater self-discipline or your wife could strap you into a chastity belt giving you no option but to like it. Or you could discuss this matter further with your wife. If this is distressing you as much as it sounds I would think she'd be up her frequency at least a bit. And if you're not masturbating, for the love of God do everyone a favor and start. Right now. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have to tell the guy I have being seeing that for the past 9 months of seeing him, I have faked every orgasm. I can't stand having sex with him and he bores me silly. Anyway, is there any particular way you should approach this or can I just say "Hey boring shit, I've faked it for 9 months and you talking war shit when we are in bed just isnt interesting" Thanks Ken Love your page Florence stinky bum

Dear Florence Stinky Bum, He's talking up the war in bed? Sack his sorry, war-loving ass. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now, and he still hasn't said "I love you" to me. Before we started dating, he did tell me that he wasn't one to say "I love you" without really meaning it. He is so good to me; he is by far the best boyfriend I ever had. I keep wondering if he'll ever say I love you. Am I just being impatient? How much longer am I supposed to wait until I come to the conclusion that he won't EVER love me the way I love him? Unloved

Dear Unloved, In a world full of phonies you're faulting this boy for being forthright. Give him a break. Males of his kind are rare and should be treated with care and given lots of sweaty sex. Give him time and he'll treat you like no other. Treat him poorly and you risk ruining him forever. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I'm 44. I've been working full-time since I was 16. Dropped-out of college to support my mom & 4 siblings when dad left. Now married, one child. Sick of working, body is broken and worn-out, can't afford to quit. Wife isn't interested in intimacy anymore, has gained too much wieght, doesn't do anything around the house anymore, I can't do it all. The kid never goes to her mother for anything, always me, and I never have two minutes to myself. I want to run away from everything. Can't stand my job (17 years now) can't stand my life, no rest in sight. Im tired and want my stolen youth back. How in hell am I going to get through the next 20 to 30 years? I'm choking on my own frustration. Thanks An Idiot for doing the right thing.

Dear AIFDTRT, I've seen it time and time again: good men and women, with their own hobbies and interests, enter into relationships and have children and lose themselves in the daily grind of work-eat-sleep. If they are lucky at some point they wake up to find themselves cruising down the highway of life with everything rushing past in a blur. Congratulations. You've come around. So many don't. Start cultivating outside interests again. Talk with your wife about how you feel. If she won't talk pay a professional (therapist). Make concerted efforts to get yourself out of that deep, deep rut. Do you drive to work each day? Take a completely different route, even if it takes five minutes longer. Better yet, don't drive to work. Walk. Ride the bus. Bicycle. Or take a week off work to just kick things around. Time away from work, even if spent at home, can often provide much needed perspective. Your life won't change on its own but with some effort you can make some adjustments so it fits for more comfortably. Ken!

Dear Ken!, Hello again....sigh. I think I'm clinically insane but who knows? I asked you a question a few months? ago. I have had a 3 year off and on...mainly off as we keep dumping each other due to lack of sex and I wasnt coping too well with that. You told me to dump him. I basically agreed with that (although the love feelings were strong) and proceeded to take steps to force his hand in dumping me (I know, I'm a wimp). I sent various messages stipulating what I wanted from a boyfriend...ie 3-5 nights sleepover and to meet his friends/family. He did as I predicted...as in saying I was making him extremely uncomfortable as he didnt want a love interest and he needed space. I sent a reply saying...coool...I just needed closure. Now I can go and have that 3some someone offered and yes I will be drinking your scotch! I truly thought that would be the end of it and I didnt mind too much at being rid of the mind f*cks. BUT.....2 weeks later he does a backflip...not verbally just in deed. Suddenly emails everyday/phone calls/him coming over to fix dinner/more sex...and attempting to sleep one night (which didnt work well, as I couldnt sleep and put his back out...dont ask me how...lol). Anyway....now I'm the one doing the backing off into a corner. What the hell is wrong with me????? Finally I get what I want and its making me want to vomit. Suddenly its got so that I have absolutely no idea what I want anymore. I used to think it was a close loving relationship (and he has been the only one my brain kept coming back to for the past 3 years). Now....pfft.....what do I do? Should I just act as if I'm enjoying the extra attention and go with the flow or run like mad. I actually think I may hurt him if I do...he's finally let his guard down and has shown me he wants a proper intimate relationship. Please give me some of your infinite wisdom...to soothe my soul...or at least a little perspective as I dont know whether I'm Arthur or Martha at the moment (sounds familiar...lol). Tracy...Widowed Wished and got more than she bargained for...

Dear Tracy, Okay. I've got an idea. You should have your friends convince him that you're a millionaire. Then, once you've gained his trust, tell him the truth. Explain that if he still truly loved you the fact that you're a construction worker that makes only nineteen grand a year (and that you lied to him) wouldn't make any difference. That sounds crazy? Tell the Fox executives that. Listen here young lady. You've got some serious soul-searching to do and you had better get down to business. Weeks ago you tell me you want a "proper intimate relationship" and now that you're faced with the opportunity to pursue just that you're turning tail. Is this schoolgirl jitters? Troubles adjusting to your new life with a man about? A serious feeling that you're making a huge mistake? You're the only one who can come clean about your innermost feelings. You owe it to yourself and this man. Ken!

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