January 5, 2004 Suck It, Lick It But Don't Smack It! & Cheese Balls

Dear Ken!, My boyfriend and I were playing around and well I saw precum on his penis and I wiped it away and went to wash my hands he touched it and wiped his hands on his jeans. SO he decided to change his pants while he was doing that I dont know whether or not he washed his hands and he fingered me. Can that mean I'm pregnant? Thank You. Scared

Dear Scared, In the world of sex there is no black and white-- unless you count the 80's black and white décor of my friend's basement dungeon. I warned him it would look dated, even without the Nagel prints. Is it possible you're pregnant? Yes. Is it improbable? Yes. Can I give you more specific details than that? No. However, I can provide these tips on how to avoid this sticky situation in the future: If he's going to strum your lily, make sure he washes his hands, even if you follow him to the bathroom. Get yourself on birth control. If you're playing with matches you're bound to light one sooner than later. Suck it. Lick it. But don't smack it. The best way to ensure none of his precum gets a fighting chance is to lick it up quick-like. Admittedly, these aren't all safe sex practices but I'm not one of those government health educators that bores your classes to death about the steps of menstruation or some shit like that. I'm talking practical stuff here. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I'm in the seventh grade. My friend is in the sixth. Sometimes she comes in late in the morning. What should I do. Oh, my mom picks her up in the morning. What should I do?

This is one of these instances in which it would be good be assertive but I don't shouting "You're makin' me late for ma hos, biatch!' Somewhere between that and your I'll-say-nothing-at-all strategy is that magic spot where you help her understand that her occasional tardiness affects more that just her. And if that doesn't work, try the "You're makin' me late for ma hos, biatch!' approach. Ken!

Dear Ken!, A few weeks ago I notied this guy at my job checking me out and I also thought he was very attractive. We say hi whenever ever we see each other and stuff like that but we have never actually had a conversation. I want to ask him out but I don't know how...what should I do? Wondering...

Dear Wondering..., It's funny you ask because I'm just now figuring out how a person can do this without being a huge cheese ball. Being a huge cheese ball for most of my life, I'm just now learning this but you must consider the time I spent in prison... for shooting a man in Reno, just to see him die. So here's how I think this works: use your opportunities to talk with this guy, even if it's just to say "hello" or to comment on the nature of the day (weather, news, etc.). When you have the chance to engage in longer conversations, do so. Most humans under forty enjoy some form of entertainment aside from television and early bedtimes. Find out what he likes to do. Mention things you enjoy. Did he see a certain recent movie you're interested in? Hear of/see some band? The more you get to know him by discussing these sorts of things the far more likely it is you'll find something you two might enjoy doing together. Then all you have to do is suggest you do it. The bonus is that you're already getting to know him. The downside is this cheese ball thing that I mentioned above. This aforementioned revelation of this wisdom of the ages did not arrive alone. At the same time I've come to understand that I had so many more women hitting on me when I was younger than I ever realized. If I'd only known at the time; I would have been getting more tang than an astronaut! But I was just too dense of a cheese ball to get the message at the time. I guess you've got to compensate for your audience. Good luck! Ken!

dear ken. i am on your ass big time couse i'm ken - the real ken whos name you been using and as soon as i find out who you ars - i'm going to sue the fuck out of you and give it to kim who i miss and steal like---git it------ got it -------good--------couse what your saying ------------so knok it off or it's war you cant win-----looser---------------------------so go git poked----or your going to the pokey.---- K.S-THE ROCKER------ini_39 --THE DREAM WEVER-----LOVECAT_37-----kimken

Dear whateveryournameis, Exactly which statute are you going to sue or have me imprisoned under there, Judge Judy? The You-Can't-Have-The-Same-Name-As-Millions-Of-Other-People Act of 1904? Besides, brainiac, I'm not "Ken", I'm "Ken!" and the exclamation point makes all the fucking difference. Ken!

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