April 5, 2004 The Calculus of Jacking Off & Petting vs. Heavy Petting

Dear Ken!, How can I tell the difference between depression and justifiable pessimism? For the last several months I've been feeling like shit about the state of the world, the state of my life, etc. I think my feelings are justified, but my friends and family think I have a mental illness. Should I see a shrink, or what? loonybin bound

Dear loonybin bound, Probably one of the greatest benefits of the internet-- aside from the easy and free access to pr0n-- is the easy access to medical and mental heath information. Simply key the phrase "Am I depressed?" into any search engine and you'll find tens if not hundreds of web sites willing to help you explore the boundaries of depression. This isn't one of those sites. I can only take what I've been told and draw conclusions from that. If you had only one or two people in your world telling you that they thought you were depressed, I could call it a matter of opinion. When it seems like a significant number of people have expressed genuine concern about your mental state. Sounds to me like it you owe it to them to have yourself evaluated. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have a question if you jackoff alot and most of the times it does not last longer than a minute when you really have sex will that affect the performance say for example how long you are going to last FJ

Dear FJ, My completely unscientific but extensively detailed research into jacking off leads me to the following hypothesis: the staying power of a penis is roughly geometrically proportional to the number of minutes of the typical jack off session. In other words, if you're knocking one off after a minute or two of feverish meat grinding then you'll last the same amount of time "in the crease" as they say in hockey. For each couple of minutes of additional jack off time, staying power will increase geometrically to the point that you've deadened the sensation from so much friction that you could pound the thing with a meat tenderizer get not get much the way of moisture except sweat. Now I'm not saying that a guy could jack off for an hour straight and effectively last forever in the sack-- there are other mitigating factors that come into play, other stimulation and the such. In other words, your mileage will vary. Ken!

Dear Ken!, Why am I reading your column? I have heard of palm readers but never column readers. Your column is lengthy and informative. I wish that there had been an internet when I was a teenager because I could have learned a lot from you about the difference between petting and heavy petting. It's very interesting to read about the mind of a teenage boy from the extensive column of a man who once was a boy. The funny thing about being a female teenager is that I was very worried about my hair being perfect while the boys were hardly interested in the split ends on my head. Those hormones are very powerful. While I am at it, what is the difference between petting and heavy petting? Ken Doll Collector

Dear Ken Doll Collector, Heavy petting is petting, only heavier. I image the spectrum of sexual contact roughly breaks down into the following stages: holding hands, kissing, petting, heavy petting, dry humping, direct manual stimulation, direct oral stimulation and genital penetration. That makes more than four bases but I've never been much of a baseball fan. Using these categories one could argue that heavy petting is indirect manual genital stimulation, usually through clothing. Petting, then, would be the same without all the crotch grabbing. Mind you these fine differences have only become apparent as I've aged. At the time I was heavy petting, all I cared about was what was happening in the back seat of that car. Ken!

Dear Ken!, hey there, i got a little problem here. i met this girl on a train and i was actually with my freind and this girl got into the train after i think we started moving for five minutes.she saton the upper level of the train and her sit was very suitable to have an eye contact.so we started to have an eye contact and finally when i got out of the train i gave her my e-mail and left. and after two days or something she sent me a messag.and i replyed to her. she wrote me back with her number.and i diddn't write her any thig after that. the thing is i am not an american fella and my english is not as cool as her's. she was a hot white american girl. what do u think i should do. i really don't wanna miss this big chance. the boy on the train

Dear Boy On The Train, Dude, what the fuck are you waiting for?!? Call her. It doesn't matter if all you can do to communicate is breathe hard. American chicks dig foreign guys and they will only give out their digits if they want the guy to call. She so wants it, dude. CALL HER. Ken!

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