May 5, 2003 Knock, Knock, Knockin' On Your Back Door

Jeez Ken!, don't you love us anymore? your column posting has become sporadic, at best. Yeah, our country is in the shitter, and we're taking the world down with us, but at least you could help maintain a sense of normalcy during the initial stages of apocalypse by continuing to answer peoples' questions about oral sex etc. please get off your duff

Dear Motivator, Like a goopy, slick, throbbing member just after climax, I am spent. This whole "Operation Iraqi Liberation" business, the backwards U.S. political climate, never ending demands at work and travel have all left me mentally shriveled (and maybe a little shriveled, physically too). I know, I know, I'm the one who is supposed to have the answers when no one else does but lately my life hasn't lent itself towards contemplation as much as panic, anger and anguish. Several weeks ago I was in Las Vegas. Now I find myself in the heart of darkness, Washington D.C., to testify in front of a Congressional committee about the importance of proper oral hygiene. Oh, sure, I could have explained how the means do not justify the ends or how, despite the President's contention, there is absolutely no proof that Iraq was involved in the September 11 attacks but in fine American fashion I'm here for matters of style-- bright, white teeth-- rather than for any reason of substance. Some of the political talk within the Beltway, however, has caused me to stop and think. More than usual, that is. Since the United States has now established this policy of preemptive strikes, I have decided it would be a good idea to apply the concept to this column by supplying a preemptive answer to some future question. Here's this week's preemptive answer: Dear Daddy, It doesn't matter how powerful your son has become. If you believe his policies are shortsighted and harmful for the nation you have as much right to speak up as anyone. After all, you walked in his shoes once yourself. Ken! Next week we'll see how well this preemptive question answering works out. Ken!

Dear Ken, I have a personal website up on the internet. On my creation, I have a "No War" button that takes the viewer (they have to click it) to a No War page (pretty obvious) upon where I spout my personal views of the Iraq War. My problem is this: Losers from all over the Internet seem to think that it's ok for them to be very abusive when writing to me to complain about my political views. My page is not abusive. It's pretty straight forward but not abusive. I should say, however, that it is rather Anti-Bush and certainly Anti-War but pro-Troops. You should read some of the email I've gotten! My question is this: What should I say in reply (or should I reply) to all of this abusive email from people who didn't need to click on the link to begin with? Thanks, Miss Political Manners in Seattle

Dear Miss Political Manners, You don't have to tell me about abusive email, sister. I've been doing this advice thing for centuries now and the amount of ill will sent my way is enough that I could start my own poison pen factory. It's truly sad that Americans are so insecure about their own political beliefs and the strength of their nation that they feel it necessary to shout down anyone who takes exception to the party line. It's as if this nation will splinter and fail at the first hint that someone doesn't support the troops or remember 9-11. If the United States could survive the divisiveness of the Vietnam War, it can certainly withstand some debate over whether it's proper for the U.S. to invade a sovereign nation to "free" the people or find all those weapons of mass destruction they're still searching for. I treat rude email like spam. I slice it thinly, slap it onto sourdough bread along with some mayo and mustard and make myself a tasty sandwich. Ken!

Dear Ken! Salad or coleslaw? Baked potato or fries? Beans or corn? You really don't get enough inane questions these days. With soda can love, Rusty

Dear Rusty, I prefer a nice Chianti and some fava beans myself. (insert that lips licking sound here) Ken!

Dear Ken!, I would realy like to know what does a pussy taste like. suprag

Dear Suprag, You'll just have to find out like the rest of us. And no, you can't lick mine to find out. Ken!

Dear Ken!, What is it with guys and anal sex? I am a 19 year old female and it seems every guy I go with these days wants to fuck me up the ass. Why do guys like it so much? Because it's so tight? And no, I haven't done it yet. Jenn

Dear Jenn, I can only supply speculation and conjecture but that's never stopped me before. It seems that sexually, at least, Americans pursue taboos. I suspect it has something to do with our puritanical religious heritage. Unlike other cultures which freely embrace oral and/or anal sex Americans have been raised to be ignorant of, if not opposed to, such activity. Until relatively recently, that is. Considering that oral sex was really only introduced into American sexual culture after those naughty Europeans initiated many wide-eyed American soldiers in World War 2, the very public retelling of Bill and Monica's oral adventures in the Oval Office established it as common practice. Just as JFK showed Americans that proper men didn't need to wear fedoras, Clinton showed Americans that oral sex is an acceptable practice. (Remember, it wasn't the oral sex which got Clinton in trouble but his lying about it.) With oral sex removed from the list of taboos, what's the next taboo around the corner (perhaps literally)? Your back door. And judging from what you're telling me, the gents are a knock, knock, knockin' on your back door. But I'm no sexual anthropologist. I just play one on teevee. Ken!

hi ken, i have a bit of a problem, last year i met this girl, she was perfect, kind, gentle, friendly and a really nice person to be around and i'm very sure she liked but i was unable to talk to her, i think (i'm 98% sure that she lives or her relatives lives 1 street away) problem is i've tried to forget about her but she just keeps popping up in my head, once someone gets to know me i'm really quite a nice person but i'm just shy @ first, what do you propose i do when i see a girl i'd like to be friends with without making a fool out of myself and also what should i do about this girl that keeps popping up in my head, i've tried mving on but its really tough. please help me jonathan

Dear Joanthan, If you look at all the lists of what females find attractive in a guy I believe you'll discover that not a single list contains "cool". That's a by-product of many other factors, one of which is sense of humor. So make a fool of yourself. You don't need to do it on a grand scale. Just enough to get her attention. With the fear of making a fool of yourself out of the way approaching females will be so much easier. Ken!

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