May 12, 2003 Do It Yourself: It's the American Way!

Hey ken i am so embaressed i need to learn how to u know lol masterbate and if its ok thanx lol. Someone

Dear Someone, Masturbation, my friend, isn't only okay, it's your duty. Let me put it this way, how can you teach your lover to push your buttons if you don't know how to do it yourself? Sure, you can luck out and find a lover who, early on, pretty much figures out how to satisfy even your most primal of sexual urges, but let's face it-- that happens in the movies more than it does in real life. So rub it, stroke it, smack it, spray it with a handheld shower. Do what it takes. And if anyone tries to make you feel guilty about it remember that masturbation is your duty as a free human being and, if you're American, your duty as an American. And trust me when I tell you a whole lot more people masturbate than vote. Even fewer masturbate while they vote but that's a different question for another column. Hup! Hup! Get to it! Ken!

Dear Ken!, I want to learn about RUP and UML....Please help me. Thanke you Sarah

Dear Sarah, Hey, if I knew about RUP and UML do you think I'd be here answering these questions and clipping the nails of those too old or feeble to do it themselves? The job is a step up, actually. You see, I once worked for a computer software company just as you do. But my grandiose vision of developing great software was destroyed one day when the CEO came to visit our group just after we completed an especially grueling development cycle. He didn't have time to stay long or even thank the people in the trenches who worked twelve hour days, seven days a week for months. He was far too eager to cram his fat ass into his Jaguar and drive himself to his home in Monterey for a long weekend. It was at that point that I realized the software industry was no longer about making great software that will change how people work and think as much as it was about making as much money as possible. Just goes to prove that often work is just one soul crushing experience after another. Ken!

Dear Ken, I really have fallen in love with a guy who is 3 years older than me......i am veryyyyyyyy serious bout him but he doesnt seem to be interested in me!!!over that he and his best friend sometimes laugh at me!!!! i really dont find dis funny at alllll!!!i really love him and i can d anything for him!!!!!i can even suicide .......i already tried to cut my hand with a compass wen i saw him talking with his ex gf who i think he still likes........i cant actually stand dis........i really want him!!!!!!!wat can i do to get him.......he already knowz and doesnt seem to react with it.......maybe he'll embarass me if i tell him that i love him!!!!!plzzzzzz help me KEn. Messed up Girl

Dear Messed Up Girl, Welcome to Crush 101, my friends. Oh sure, love can be a wonderful thing but sometimes-- especially in those new to the world of romantic entanglements-- it can go a bit wonky and turn into a crush. And this is a textbook case of a crush. All those new and powerful feelings of love and yearning, so wild and untamed, yet unrequited. It's powerful stuff. But like strong weed, you just gotta stick it through and not freak out and do something like hurt yourself. Think about it: maybe he's already freaked out about how much you like him, then he finds out you're cutting yourself because he talked to another girl. What guy is going to suddenly decide to go for the suicidal chick, "just because she's crazy for me"? Love is fine but not at the expense of your personal wellbeing. Don't believe all those shitty fatalistic pop songs you hear on the generic radio stations in your area. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have just finished reading "Fast Food Nation", and it - quite literally - made me sick with rage. The way these companies treat their workers, the hygienic conditions, the cruelty against animals, the health hazards, the production of mountains of waste, the whole exploitative cr*p. I myself have instinctivelly avoided this kind of food for years - too fatty, doesn't taste of anything, no vegetables, the places don't look clean...But obviously there are enough people who enjoy fast food to keep the big companies going. Now I wonder if there's a possibility to give people a better idea what food should really look and taste like. And to point out the health factor to everyone. There should be alternatives that can be served and eaten fast, aren't too expensive but are fare more healthy and tasty. Is there a way to counteract the economical power and all the advertising of fast food companies to make people more aware? Fed up with fast food

I hear ya, sister! You can use the word "crap" here by the way. This is the internet, we can do what we want here. I don't mean to rain on your activism parade but as I see it there's only two ways to change the equation: spend as much advertising money as the fast food joints do or effect the change culturally. Since somehow I doubt you'll find the multi-billion dollar jackpot necessary to counteract the daily advertising onslaught, start locally. You don't eat the food yourself. That's a good start. Maybe you should look into or found a slow food group in your area. Sure, it affects change on a much slower scale then spending all that money but it's cheaper and tastes a whole lot better. Manga! Ken!

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