|
May 13, 2002 |
| Dear Ken!, If the U.S. government Knows that there are no such things as extra Terrestrials Then why was the law passed in 1969 that any contact with aliens and their vihicals is illigal. I thought this was rather hypicritical of the U.S. Government because aren't they teaching that we should exept those who are diffrent from you. not to look at apperiance and all that crap but they don't let us talk to aliens. My neighbor does many odd thing saying that the aliens ae seending meesges to his head at night but as long as he has foil under his hat the messages can not reach him so who would be bracking the law my neighbor or the aleins? well anyways does this prove that aliens exsist because if they do and we aren't allowed to talk to them what are we goingot learn from them what if the aliens have the cure for AIDS or cancer or Alzeimer's and we aren't communicating with them? The U.S. Government is setting us up for what haapend in that movie where the aliens came and blew up earth. stop the U.S.Government Confused |
| Dear Confused, It was that exact same year but only days after Labor Day that President Johnson entered into a fantastically historic but equally as secret arrangement with alien creates from far beyond this world. This arrangement, known as the Alpha Agreement, stipulated that the U.S. government would receive advanced alien technical training in exchange for allowing a small portion of its citizenry to be used in alien medical research. At the time the Alpha Agreement was established it was decided only a handful of people would be allowed to know the secret of the Agreement. It only took a brief while before this secret government sect came to realize that the secret could not be kept forever. They embarked upon an effort to slowly introduce the idea of wild alien creatures through the mass media. The group's consultants to the movie studios were wildly successful with E.T. and Star Wars. With the increasing popularity of science fiction there is now nary a mind this group has not influenced in some way or another. This sect is preparing Americans for the day that these aliens show themselves and we come to learn that the human race has only ever existed as a fuel to power their huge alien equivalent of a microwave. Watch the skies! Ken! |
| Hi Ken! How do I do an ollie-impossible-hospital-kickflip over a 2 by 4 in my basement, dude? I tried to eggplant-revert my 'pipe in my backyard,it rooled,but I fell off, nd now my weena's crooked. What should I do? Thanks dude! Your help is far out. Mr. Groovy |
| Dear Mr. Groovy, I can do an ollie-impossible-gravy-kickflip and a radial-impossible-hospital-kickflip but not an ollie-impossible-hospital-kickflip. Can't help you out there, buddy. As for your crooked cock dial up some of that free and plentiful pr0n that's made the internet what it is today and I'm certain in no time that weena of yours will straighten out right proper like. But remember to always use that straightened wiener of yours for good and not evil. Ken! |
| Dear Ken!, Since I've talked to you, I started looking at my game differently. I took your guildence and now I have another problem. Like you said I took in some reviews,the bitches preformence is cool but she be coming up short. She's a good hoe: I don't wanna get pshical know what I'm say'n but I think she's dipping in the cool aid. what should I do pimpin, your my man I need you ta pull me through another one of them thangs. HOEMASTER |
| Dear H. Master, One basic tenant of the U.S. judicial system is that a person is innocent until proven guilty (despite how Bush cronies might want you to believe otherwise). Leveling groundless accusations against an employee can result in legal action being taken against you and that's the last thing a pimpmasta like yourself would desire. To legally discharge her from your employ requires you obtain proof of this supposed cool-aid dipping. Once you have proof you may fire her with the confidence of knowing the law is on your side. Ken! |
| Dear Ken!, i want to improve my business. pl. give me your advise giri |
|
| Dear Ken!, I can't get a date. I haven't dated for 3 years. Could you please help me improve my chances of getting a date? I've asked everyone about this and none of the answers that I have been given so far will help. All of the men that I want don't want to date me. I'm in a desperate situation right now and I just want to know how to change it. One said he would think about it and it still doesn't look like it's going to happen. Help!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm almost 20 years old now and I can't even get a man to want me bad enough to ask me out. I want to be able to say and mean that I can have men that I want. but I don't know what to do. please really think about this question and answer it the way that I would want it to be answered. Be a magazine. Tell me what I want to hear, please. I'm a girl. Anonymous |
| Dear Miss Anonymous, What am I, the fucking Date Fairy? Let me tell you something: if I had the ability to grant wishes I'd be pimp'n wit da big time hoes in magazine bizzitiznezz not wasting away in this shit hole of an advice column. But hey, I can't complain. If people will accept Eminem lip syncing on SNL then they shouldn't have any problem accepting this poorly-proofread drivel. Like I always said, "People would buy a bag of shit if you convinced them it was from Henry Rollins." I mean, who wouldn't buy a bag of excrement of Henry Rollins? I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear because that would be as big of a lie as saying Eminem actually sang on SNL last weekend, which he didn't. Something that took me awhile to figure out is that desperation never looks good on a person. I noted that I seemed to get more attention from women when I was in love. And when I was most desperate I got the least attention. I finally beat that by finding ways to be happy without the attention of the opposite sex. I spent time with friends. I developed my other interests. I met my needs. When I learned not to need but want my desperation evaporated and I've been getting a whole lotta love ever since. Ken! |
