May 19, 2003 This Week On 45k K3n!, Shylock Fox & American Kulture

Dear Ken!, Why do you have an exclamation point? Is it part of your name? Would saying "Ken" be a misspelling? Is there an exclamation point after your last name? Or are you kinda like Madonna or Prince, with just one name? Do you have a middle name? How would your name be spelled in l337 speak? Do you know anyone else with an exclamation point? How can I get my own exclamation point? Is there some Freudian connection between your exclamation point and your mother? Do you think the Iraqi Information Minister deserves an exclamation point? What about George W. "5-4" Bush? Nameless

Dear Nameless, Like Madonna and Prince, I have only one name. The name without the exclamation point is not only a misspelling but also a mispronunciation. In 1337 speak Ken! is K3N! Not very exciting, I know. Where did it come from? The nurse typing the birth certificate had a nervous tick and accidentally added an exclamation to the end of my name. It stuck. I think George W. Bush is perfect with a question mark. Ken!

Dear Ken!, In reference to your question: Yes, a bit of bacon tastes lovely - because human beings by their very nature are omnivores rather than herbivores. I am not a vegetarian myself, I grew up in a small village with a few farms and I am not sentimental about eating meat if the animal the meat came from was raised under suitable conditions and killed without cruelty. But - you see - there's pigs and pigs. And therefore meat and meat. The pig raised on a small farm in a village leads a life as a reasonably - well - happy pig. It has enough space to run around a bit and to lie down - it is fed properly with leftovers from meals, corn and so on and not stuffed with crap and antibiotics. When a village pig is slaughtered it is taken to the back yard, rendered unconcious and then killed very quickly. I have seen it done - the whole procedure takes about a minute and the animal won't feel a thing. The pig raised for a fast food company on the other hand is perched into a stall that is too small to even lie down in, fed with something that would otherwise be sent to a bio-toxic waste dump and because there's so many pigs on that farm, infections are frequent and the pigs get fed loads of antibiotics. Before the pig is killed it will be loaded on a trailer and transported hundreds of miles without food or water. The trailer will be so packed that the animals sometimes bite each other dead or arrive at the "production plant" with broken legs and missing ears and tails. Because the "production lines" are made very fast, some of the poor creatures aren't rendered unconscious properly and aren't dead before they are hacked to pieces. As one can imagine, the fast food pig's meat will be loaded with residues of antibiotics and other toxic substances and stress hormones. Not to mention that I personally wouldn't want to feel responsible for so much torture and misery. The only question is: Even if the "Fast Food" meat is cheaper, who in their right mind would want to eat it? Fed up with Fast Food

Dear Fast Food Frenzied, I'll tell you who would want to eat it: the mass of Americans who eat fast food. I'm not saying that the popularity makes it right, but the people who eat fast food-- and I'm one of them-- do so because they don't know, don't care or don't care to know. It's convenient and easy. And it's harmful to our health and culture. But it's so convenient and tasty. I know it's bad stuff. Most of the other people in line with me know too. No one cares. They're too concerned about who's kissing whom on Friends and which team is going to win the championship match. And the government doesn't really care. The more often we cram our bloated snackholes full of food, the more the economy grows. That's all they care about. But you care. And that's a start. I've even considered reading the book. But first there's this teevee show I wanted to watch... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I NEED TO KNOW IF M357 IS A TYPE OF VIKIDIN. plEASE WRITE BACK SOON>ITS IMPORTANT. XXKASS420XX

Dear XXKASS420XX, I may be some jackass with a web site and too much spare time but I've got my standards and you, my TWEEKED OUT FRIEND, do not meet them. For one, you've got to show some effort to use the caps lock key responsibly. WHAT THE FUCKS UP WITH THE CAPS, YO? There's no need to be shoutin', even if you are all tweeked up. On top of that, I generally won't provide any of that sort of information (if I had it) to someone incapable of properly spelling the name of the drug. C'mon, if you're going to do or deal drugs at least be smart about it. Ken!

Dear Ken, I took a trip down to a local Wendys and placed my usual order. The guy behind the counter made some comment in his native Thai that my eyes were too close together and the stressed silk suit I had borrowed looked more attractive on my dad. I have thought long and hard about this and concluded that it could be considered an act of agression. Whaddayathink? George W. Bush

Dear George W. Bush, I think this is one of those Slylock Fox cartoons and I'm the detective trying to solve the puzzle. Lemme see... there's a sailboat, a snake... the door is missing the keyhole... got it! You're not President George W. Bush. The President doesn't understand Thai, therefore he wouldn't have known he was being slighted by the Wendy's bugermastermasterburger. Ken!

Dear Ken!, My first question is:- do you think people are pidgeon holed by their names? ie. does Bob always wear overalls and does Nigel always wear a suit etc. My second question is:- Are you related to Jeeter? Nosey Bastard

Dear Nosey Bastard, You take it to an extreme of wild exaggeration but I do believe one's name can have an influence on their character. And not in that they-elected-me-because-I-have-the-same-name-as-my-father,-George-Bush kind of way. Add an unusual name into the mix of a hundred of other facts which dictate personality and I think you'd find those with uncommon names tend to be a bit more unique. What I don't know is whether that sort of phenomenon is limited to American kulture. Ken! p.s. No one related to Jeeter ever admits it.

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