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May 20, 2002 |
| Dear Ken!, Yes, your column consists of poorly-proofread drivel, indeed. On that note I have some copy-editing questions for you. Is "hoe" or "ho" the proper spelling for the colloquial term for whore? Also, why hasn't scrote, (a pejorative for males derived from scrotum) achieved widespread usage? And why is it still fashionable to use the word pussy to mean fearful, weak, timid, etc? Perhaps the convention should be to use scrote 50% of the time when the desired meaning is "lameness or uselessness." Please weigh in on these important issues, Ken! Daniel Webster |
| Dear Daniel Webster, People always seem to go on about being number one and how great number one is but today the value of zero really struck me. While a henchman and I were discussing a business plan for the expansion of my evil empire he pointed out that one decision would increase the cost of my underground lair by a factor of ten. My response was, "What's another zero? It's nothing." But you know what, without that zero billions would be millions or thousands or hundreds. And without all those zeros those small numbers up top wouldn't be worth anywhere near as much. Thank you, zero! I prefer "ho" although "hoe" is also popular. I don't believe the definitive slang dictionary has been written yet. As for "scrote" and "pussy" I think guys prefer talking about (and being reminded of) pussy far more than shrively, hairy flesh-sacs, even if being a pussy means you're weak or timid. I don't see scrote falling into favor. Scrote-lick, on the other hand, that's got potential. Ken! |
| Hi Ken, If this is not your sort of area, that's OK. My boyfriend of two years and I have been looking for an apartment together. We have been living in an apartment I rented alone before meeting him. He is divorced and has an 8 year old daughter. We just found a nice flat and he shocked me the other night by telling me that he wants one of the two bedrooms to be his daughter's. He sees her every second weekend for a total of two days a month. I am a self-employed graphic artist and work from home. I have had an office at home for ten years and now he wants me to work out of a corner of the living room. I am in a state of shock and feel as if I had been dumped. He is carrying the financial weight at the moment so there is really little I can say. Since meeting him, I shared my office (in my apartment) with his daughter. But that is no longer acceptable. Am I being unrealistic? Should I be grateful for a corner? Is he just trying to get rid of me? PS I paid the lion's share of the bills for our first year+ together. If it matters at all, I am the eldest in a 12 year gap relationship. He is 36 and I am 48. Perhaps I feel I need his presense at any cost to reassure me of my youth? Thanks, Chris |
| Dear Chris, For the love of god quit second-guessing yourself. This specific matter isn't about age but simple logic. You're an adult who earns her keep working out of her home. His daughter is a kid who won't be around for more than four days a month. Put your foot down and lay the logic down for your man to see. Once you get your private workspace you'll have plenty of time (and space) to decide if you're in this relationship to recapture your youth. Ken! |
| Dear Amanda, Hi. I am dealing with a very frustrating problem. I am twenty years old and I am a junior in college. My parents are very overprotective of me and I don't blame them in this world we live in. I have been the "perfect" daughter and student my whole life. I have never gotten into any trouble and I am a 4.0 student. I work on the weekends during school and pay my bills. I am very responsible. The problem is that they still treat me as if I am 14 years old. I am the oldest child and would like to blame it on the fact that they don't want me to grow up, but something has to be done. The dilemma I am facing right now deals with my boyfriend. I have been dating him seriously for three years now. He is in the Navy and is very faithful and good to me. For my birthday, he offered to pay to fly me down to see him. I won't get to see him for another 7 months because he doesnt' have leave, and I really want to see him. Military relationships are difficult, as you can imagine. My parents tell me that I don't need to go and see him for two reasons. The first reason is that they don't want me to get on a plane after the September 11th incident. I can understand their fears, but I think this is a dumb reason and a way to control me. I can't drive down either because they don't want me driving that far away. Another reason is that they "don't want me alone with my boyfriend". They know that we can be trusted because it's been three years and we are still fine. I am twenty and I feel I should be allowed to be alone with my boyfriend... I mean, c'mon, they have to know that we have been alone sometime in these three years. I don't like living at home with them. They don't allow me to do anything. I am twenty and they still give me a curfew (which is before midnight) and they want to know everything I am doing. They dont' trust me and they have no reason to. I had a fight with my mother last night over this computer. I bought this computer myself and I am paying for the internet as well. She refused to get off of it after being on it for close to two hours. I needed to use the phone to talk to my boyfriend that I rarely talk to. I am so frustrated and I am thinking about leaving and living with him for the summer. I know there would be serious consequences to my actions. They would take my car away because it's still in my dad's name and there's a good chance they would stop paying for my college. (They pay half). I am not really worried about these things because I know I can get loans and pay for them myself. What I am worried about is the tension and grudges it may cause. But I really can't put up with the controlling anymore. I feel I can't be my own person and I am trapped in a cage. I have tried to talk to them numerous times. I ask them why I can't go see them, and they say they don't need a reason. I ask them why I can't do anything and they say "because we still pay your bills". College is what they pay. And they only pay half ( a really low amount due to my scholarships). They wont' talk to me about it because they feel they don't need to talk because they think that they are right. Please tell me what I should do. Desperate |
| Dear Desperate, I couldn't help but notice that your question was addressed "Dear Amanda". Who, exactly, is Amanda? Hmm? I suppose she's another person you're seeing for advice. I see, my advice isn't good enough or wise enough for you, is that it? Why don't you have the guts to tell me I suck to my face? String me along like a plaything. Do you want me to do my little monkey dance? Is that it? [dancing, dancing] Dance for her pleasure little monkey! Dance! Dance!!! Your parents are probably afraid some guy's going to take a poke at your cooter-- and they're right, some guy likely will take a poke at your cooter-- but like birth and death, the deflowering of a parent's sweet little girl is an inevitability. If you're smart-- and you sound like you are-- you won't allow your parents even the remotest of inklings that you've got some guy plowing your fleshy furrow. You'll also find a job, a couple female roomies (that your parents know and like), move in with them and treat your parents like they're still the most important people in your life (even if they aren't). They'll come around eventually. You have to break them in slowly and at the same time prove to them that you're safe on your own. At least as far as they know. Ken! |
| Dear Ken!, I let my friends watch your PIMPOLOGY UNCUT movie and now they're running around thinking they're macks. What really bothers me is they rehearse your lines from the movie all day. Did you know that your movie has a great amount of influence on the average square's mind? One more thing I think you should get a Award for what your doing, and whats the deal with PIMPOLOGY 2 ? HOE MASTER |
| Dear Hoe Master, Any ol' phony can quote lines from Pimpology or Planet of the Apes or Can't Stop The Music but it isn't until you speak those words as yourself do they really become yours. Until then they're just as phony as a campaign promise to clean up the environment. Ken! |
| Dear Ken!, The following are some things that I've written recently: Live, Love, Laugh by Roy Shaheen I'm just a hopeless romantic With love letters in the attic A simple romantic at heart Who's been wishing upon a star For someone to enter my heart For cupid to now hit his mark Just know this lonely heart seeks love Just know this lonely heart needs love Chorus: I need someone to live, love, laugh So can be held in love's hands Just so I could spend the whole day With my one and only soulmate I'll always keep my fingers crossed As my quest for love lingers on I'm still looking, but where are you? I need someone in my arms soon Want someone to share the good times I want someone tired of good byes Chorus Life goes on and the plot thickens My heart remains locked in prison I keep my faith and hope for love Here I am waiting for your love Chorus The Dance Is Over By Roy Shaheen You were everything to me The heavens singing to me Love of my life was calling And the dark night was falling We wondered where the day'd gone Listened as the band played on Love I'd always imagined But then something happened Chorus: We were confident and sure Flying across the dance floor With her head on my shoulder But now the dance is over We're no longer hand in hand There are things love can't withstand Sounds fade into the background Memories are all we have now It's late and the floor's empty Say goodbye and then leave Chorus All's quiet and the band's left There's silence as the laughs end Chairs on top of the tables A sad end to this fable Chorus Standing Outside Heaven's Door by Roy Shaheen I come to you for forgiveness I'll swear before witnesses Promising to fill your wishes Cover your body with more kisses Give you the love I haven't The love you've always imagined I deserve to be ignored For saying my heart can't just be yours Chorus: My heart can't just be yours Wonder why I said that for Inside's all I need and more Realized what I hadn't before Guard down, staring at the floor Standing outside heaven's door Won't you open the door for me I've already said I'm sorry Let me see your smiling face We can nurse love's dying flame Chorus Please tell me that it's not too late Could your love so soon fade? I'll take back every single word Pretend that they were never heard Chorus Do you think I should pursue a career as a writer? I've sent songs to professional evaluators and been told they were excellent and had outstanding hit potential. I've also sent screenplays and tv show pitch ideas to professional evaluators and been told they were very promising. I would like eventually sing, act, and write, but I'm focusing on the writing right now since that's what I do best. Do you have any advice about how to get started? Take care and God bless, Roy Shaheen |
| Dear Roy Shaheen, Years ago I knew this guy Randy who worked as a jeweler. That in itself isn't odd but Randy was really not the type of guy who would work as a jeweler. I'm not certain what makes a typical jeweler but this guy didn't come across as a jeweler, at least in the sense of jeweler-as-artist. He was really more of a dude that did jewelry repair. One night after sparking up a blunt and watching The State on MTV, Randy gave us a glimpse into the amusement park that is his soul: "Naaah man," Randy wheezed, "jewelery's not money or art to me. It's about ladies, man. You see, in a lot of porn the naked chicks with their fingers buried deep in their honey pots had rings on. Now you guys know I'm fond of the ladies but I'm not seeing so much of that action. I figured working with those rings was the best way to get so close to all that pussy!" In that one weed-induced admission Randy had provided perhaps the ultimate example of what our high school counselor had suggested during career day: "Find something you like and figure out a way to get paid doing it." It's hard to argue with that wisdom. That's gold, man, gold! Ken! |
