May 22, 2000
Nightly Stroke-A-Thon, Alyssa Milano's Delicate Pink Petals, & The Devil
*N Sync
| Dear Ken!, Does the Devil exist? Signed, Curious (and I've never seen him!) |
| Dear Curious, Yes. Yes he does. If it weren't for the devil we wouldn't have devil music. Or dancing. We wouldn't have Hollywood or the Fox Network or the internet. We wouldn't have tobacco companies trying to get kids addicted to their death sticks. Professional wrestling wouldn't be anywhere nearly as popular. Neither would *N Sync. Or MTV for that matter since they're all tools of the devil. We wouldn't have "fuck" or "cunt" or "shit" or "piss"-- only "darn!". We certainly wouldn't have ATM fees. Or the ever present compelling need to buy crap we don't need to fill some unrelated void in our lives. We'd still have sodomy, though, because if God created humans (and I said "if"), he created assholes too and if he was so concerned about guys sticking their cocks in there he wouldn't have put the celestial orifice so close by. The devil is also responsible for baseball, Jesse Helms and sport utility vehicles. Okay… I'm being given this look my lover only gives me when she knows I'm full of crap. And she's right. It's ridiculous that any human would genuinely purport to know the dirty demonic deeds of the "devil"-- if there's room for such a notion in a world ruled not by superstition but science and economics. Ken! |
| Dear Ken!, Just a quick note to see if you really exist. Do you? Signed, paul |
| Dear Paul, No. I don't. Nothing really exists. You are a mere brain resting in a tub of saline solution in a basement laboratory at Stanford University. Scientists have you connected to a computer which has generated every miniscule bit of your reality from your very first thought. How do I know this, Paul? I'm one of the scientists who created this experiment. I helped create you, Paul. Unfortunately funding for this program has been cut and we are about to terminate your brain activity. Some of us thought it would be interesting to see how you would react to this knowledge. We are watching. Ken! |
| Dear Ken!, where can i find photos of nude celebritys Signed, t.d. |
| Dear t.d., With this whole internet thing now rocketing towards the ranks of a full-on cultural revolution an increasing number of politicians, educators and nerds warn of the dangers of the growing disparity between the technological haves and have-nots. There's some concern-- and rightfully so-- that as more of life's basic details are transacted electronically those without access to the system will be left behind. That's all nice and fine. It's one of the many significant crises looming on the horizon that makes me bolt out of a dead sleep in the still of the night. My concern isn't those who are capable of understanding and using the internet and don't have access to it but those who already have access but not a clue as to the meaning of the odd shapes and colors they see on their computer screens. Oddly enough, he notes, while they cannot grasp the concept of a search engine they can recognize the image of a naked woman instantaneously. Perhaps it's a result of some vestigial reproductive instinct. If you do not posses the ability to determine that there are many more web sites out there that would more efficient point you towards the photos of Alyssa Milano fingering her delicate pink petals than Ask Ken! then either find a way to figure it out or turn your computer over to someone who can't afford one but could make use of it. Ken! |
| Dear Ken!, What is your opinion on the saying that girls "weaken the knees?" I'm leaving for military school in a month or so, and my old girlfriend who really hurt me a long time ago wants to get back together with me now. I don't know if I wanna get back together with her because I fear that it'll make me soft and will screw me over once I get to military school because I'll be too sensitive. What do you think I should do? Signed, Apprehensive |
| Dear Apprehensive, In a scant thirty days or less now you'll be facing how many months of push-ups, marching up and down the square and hazing masquerading as pointless traditions? You are about to endure endless weeks of trying to sleep while your roommate engages in his nightly stroke-a-thon after lights out and you're concerned that this girlfriend of yours is going to make you soft? How hard do you have to be, man? What you've got before you is that ingredients of a classic fling: an interested female, a semi-interested male and a fixed amount of time before the two will be forced apart. Make the best of the opportunity in front of you my good man, if for no other reason than you'll have far better masterbatory fantasies than your roomie. Ken! |
| Dear Ken!, If two transsexuals are having sex, are they having lesbian sex or gay man sex? Signed, Rusty |
| Oh Mistress R!, All of the above, making it all that more sinful. Lies may make baby Jesus cry but transsexual sex makes baby Jesus cry harder. Ken! |
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