May 26, 2003 Meat Jerking & 7 Dead Castaways

Dear Ken!, The other day when I was picking my mom up from prison, I had this very strange thought. If McDonald's had the technology to "keep the hot side HOT, and the cool side COOL," what are the consequences of this information falling into the wrong hands. I find it suspicious that Donald Rumsfeld and Ari Fleischer are remarkably silent on the topic, and that even Oliver Stone is too afraid to make a movie to blow the lid off this potential scandal. Personally, I think that Ron Popeil is behind all of this nonsense... and something must be done to stop him! I had also heard a report on the 700 Club that said that IRAQ had already acquired "french fry technology" and it was only a matter of time before they gained knowledge of "shamrock shake technology." I got so scared that I hid in closet for a week, sustaining myself on broccoli and fruit roll-ups. What should I do now?!?! How can I keep myself safe? Why are cigarettes up to almost $3.00 a pack? Why does The First Lady wear WINTER when she is clearly an AUTUMN? Where exactly IS Dick Cheney? Is it true that he has been hiding out the beard of C. EVERETT COOP?!?! Conspiracy Theorist

Dear Conspiracy Theorist, These are strange times we live in, my friend, and scary news-- especially if you continue watching the 700 Club-- will undoubtedly continue coming your way. But man cannot live on fruit leather alone. We must also have jerked meat. Jerk as much meat as you can. Jerk until you can jerk no more. And maybe, just maybe, all the meat jerking will keep your mind off whether religious extremists have gained control of shamrock shake technology or the Leprechaun's lucky charms. If the jerking does not occupy you will still find yourself with a sufficient supply of jerked meat for the next time you hole yourself up. Ken!

Dear Ken, I'm from a very conservative community and a very strict family too. I came a cross a man that made me feel different. That my heart blooms and my soul fly to him. And I know that this man is special, I know that what I feel towards him is special. I want to let him know that but I&Mac226;m not being able to tell him not even able to talk to him. I feel that he feels the same towards me too and he has the same problem of not being able to tell me or even know how to let me know. How can I give him a sign that it is ok for him to approach me and talk to me? Our situation is like this; we are standing facing each other with a glass wall between us; can&Mac226;t hear each other can&Mac226;t reach each other. We are just lost in each other gaze. Eversolonely

Dear Eversolonely, Oh my, I don't believe I've ever had someone wax quite so poetic as you have. Or you're visiting the guy in prison. Where else are you going to find a glass wall like that? Start with a smile. A woman's smile, properly deployed, can inspire a thousand symphonies. It can certainly encourage this guy to speak with you. And if that doesn't work use the decidedly old school American trick of leaving something of yours behind so he'll have to return it to you. Ken!

Ken, you're possibly the only person that I can tell this to (and I suppose the millions of people who may eventually read it). Well the bottom line is that I am not satisfied with the way my life is going but I can't see a way to change that without disrupting the lives of people that I really care about and love. You see, I'm the "good girl" of the family. I do well in college, am nice to people and have never been one to cause trouble. So I find it impossible to tell this to anyone who knows me - they expect certain things from me and this isn't one of them. I feel like I'm hiding everything! Anyway, here's my story (so far). I've been dating the same man since I was 15 and we got married last year when I turned 20. For those years in between we were inseperable and I was more in love with him than I thought was possible. But very recently I have been feeling very discontented with my life. I find myself wanting to go places alone - hang out with a different crowd, but perhaps most disturbing, I find myself desiring to see other men. I still love my husband but I can't stop myself from feeling a growing resentment towards him, and I can't stop feeling trapped and depressed a lot of the time. I don't know if the love I feel is the kind a wife should give to a good husband (because he is one). I've never really had a life outside of him and I can't imagine what that would be like, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to let him go - or even if I really want to do that in the first place. But I know I don't want to be married another 20 years and then decide I had wasted my entire youth. As you can probably tell I'm pretty confused. Do you have any advice you could possibly give me? Trapped?

Dear Trapped, Don't get trapped in the notion that this problem is so cut and dried, so black and white. There's a whole lot of possibilities between staying with your man and missing all that stuff and dumping him like some bad stock and heading over to the bad boys bar for some fun. You love the guy. And I get the sense he loves you. That's the foundation for a good relationship. You just got married before you had a chance to learn the exhilaration and awkwardness of the one-night stand. Amongst other things, of course. Have you made any efforts to get out alone? Time away from a lover is as important as time together. What about taking time to develop some of your own interests and hobbies separate from your husband? Have you considered an open marriage? All of these offer varying degrees of a compromise between where you're at now and hitting the road altogether. Ken!

Dear Ken!, If the Howells were so wealthy, why were they touring aboard the lowly working-class Minnow? And, if it was only a three-hour tour, why did Ginger take along her entire wardrobe? Marianne

Dear Marianne, Gilligan's Island was a reality show far before its time. The producers of the show knew the American public wouldn't accept the idea of a reality show at that time so they produced the show as a reality show but edited it as a sit-com. What most don't know is that those seven castaways were contestants vying for $50,000 and a recording contract. They knew they would be stranded on the desert island. They just didn't know what sort of wacky hi-jinx would ensue. Really the sad part of all of this is that all seven of the castaways were left to die on the island when the show was canceled. It was early on in the days of reality television and some of the kinks hadn't been completely worked out of the system at that time. Incidentally, two of the other early reality television shows edited like sit-coms were "The Flintstones" and "Barney Miller". No lives were lost in the production of either of these shows although a miniature elephant developed severe inflammation of the trunk after doing too much laundry in one week. I guess the best answer to your question is that television is a weird business. Ken!

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