June 3,2002 Enron Fakes It, Demonic Possession & Granny's Panties

Dear Readers, Sometimes writing this column in the middle of winter is tough but nothing like springtime. Sunshine. Lawn mowing. Sports. While you're all busy watching some guy with a mitt and one ball spit and scratch himself, I'm thoroughly wrapped up in the beautiful game. Okay, last week I was busy helping bring a nine pound whacked gangsta mutha fucka, Nate Dogg, to this mossy green globe (welcome to the e to tha a to tha r to the t to tha h, ea-rrrth, Nate Dogg). This week I'm watching the World Cup. And next week. And the week after that. Give me a month. I might have more time then. Ken!

Dear Ken!, Cuffs on tuxedo trousers? Yes or no? Mark Forrester

Dear Mark Forrester, Do you all remember the other summer with that power shortage in California? No? C'mon, even through my THC addled synapses I can still dredge up vague memories of elevated electrical prices and rolling blackouts. Every month when I pay my power bill I'm reminded. As it turns out best buddies of the Bush administration Enron Corporation conducted a series of fake energy trades in an effort to drive up the cost of electricity. And as it turns out several other companies engaged in the same practice. Those greedy mother fuckers manipulated the system at the cost of every man, woman, child, city, county, state and business within the United States... for their own personal gain. What's even worse is that freshly elected W. Bush chose not to intervene in the California power crisis, giving all of Dubya's oil buddies free reign to profiteer. Conservatives get all rankled over a White House hummer but when Americans (and America) is thoroughly reamed with an electric cattle prod they're too busy stealing our civil rights in the name of security. Well this whole things looks like shit and smells like shit. King Dubya has stolen the throne and is raiding the treasury and all the while America sleeps to the chatter of "The Hamptons" on the teevee. My girl-in-white-cotton-panties slash fashion expert says, "If you want to look like a fourteen-year-old at his high school winter formal go with the cuffs." Ken!

Dear Ken!, This is actually for my sister. I'm really worried about her. She's been seeing a lot of stupid men. Men that cheat on her, and she believes she's not worth anything. She's still in love with her ex boyfriend, and he hates her. I feel like I should do something, because she is my sister, and I hate seeing her like this. Please Help!

Dear Please Help!, These sorts of problems are like slick bars of soap-- the more aggressively one tries to control that slick bar the quicker it slips away. It's the light touch that works best. Be there for her when she seeks advice, even if she doesn't follow it. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I looked around your web site for this question, but didn't see one.Maybe I didn't look long enough. I bet you've heard it before but I'll ask anyway. What do you think about friends having sex with friends ? I mean having sex multiple times with a friend, and later remaining friends- but not having sex again. Reason I'm asking is because my boyfriend has such a friend. I've been with him for 1 1/2 years and we talk about our future (marraige) and he's very smart,very funny, and my best friend and I'm very in love.I can see why girls want to be his friend or more. This friend he had sex with recently got married and I went to her wedding with him but I felt bad because although I try to stay in the present times and not think about the fact they had sex a few years ago I can't help but picture them on top of eachother-not always that but just being sexual together. So the few times she's hung out with my guy I try to not think about that and just smile and focus on talking about something else but it seems sort of impossible to me now.Last time she came over for lunch with him I was leaving as she walked up to the door and I felt quesy, said hi, and drove off to work.The next day I told my boyfriend I didn't like him hanging out with her and cried like a baby- I have similar feelings about his ex's also- of course. THey always email and invite him places, sometimes they invite me too- to make it "kosher" as one put it. I'm not friends with guys I had sex with and if I see someone I did it with - Ah, anyway- I feel sex Changes things. Am I making too big a deal over sex? What do you think is reasonable ? asdf

Dear asdf, It's amazing how people can see the same matters in such vastly different capacities. When you image your boyfriend with his ex you get queasy; when I imagine my sweet girl in white cotton panties riding some guy's throbbin nobbin I get all tingly and moist. How can two people be so different? Alien technology? Perhaps. Demonic possession? Possibly. Trust? Very likely. Seems to me you don't trust your husband so much. Has he given you some reason for that or are your fears groundless? (Don't answer me, that's a question for you to mull. Now go... mull!) Ken!

Dear Ken!, where can i get free photos of 16 year old girls anon

Dear Anon, I dunno, in the back of your grandmother's panty drawer? Speak of granny's panties: today the Bush Administration released a report on global warming (finally) admitting that global warming was indeed occurring and it was a result of human activity. Rather than taking measures to curtail the generation of greenhouse gases the report recommends researching efforts to mitigate the environmental impact of global warming. These oil industry lackeys are once again sacrificing the common man's future for the sake of fattening their own bank accounts. They'd rather build seawalls rather than drive a smaller car. I guess people can drive whatever vehicles they choose as long as they don't question the bankrupt business of the Bush administration and big business. Damn the future! More tax cuts for the wealthy while we're at it. What's next: debtor's prison? It hear them peasants are cheap labor! Ken!

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