June 10, 2002 A Backstreet*NSyncBoys Concert & Bill's Oral Legacy

Dear Ken!, I have a problem. Sometimes when i get kind of horney i have my stepsister put on a thong and she dances for me while i pleasure myself. Is this incest? Z

Dear Z, I think the prevailing perception of incest in America is that the matter is really quite binary (e.g. it's black-and-white): it's obvious when it is. But as with many issues Americans tend to think in rather simple terms. That line between what-is and what-isn't jumps around with more vigor than a bunch of screaming-squirming, whipped-into-a-lather, barely teenage girlies at a Backstreet*NSyncBoys concert. Age of consent varies depending on state and culture. Something that's perfectly legal in parts of Europe will get your nuts cut off in some Middle Eastern country. So since this matter is so subjective and you do not provide ages the best I can do is furnish you with a chart of what's right and what's not according to Ken!'s moral compass. He's: < 12 12-15 15-18 18+ She's: < 12 innocent experimentation needs talking to seek help now you sick fuck 12-15 uhhhhhhhh...? lusty fumbling depends not so kosher 15-18 get help now iffy hot teenage action why can't he date adults? 18+ you suck fuck troubling get a life fuck each other silly Instructions: Find his age and her age. Their juncture provides you with a completely subjective moral evaluation of the relationship. Your mileage, region, culture and spiritual beliefs may vary. This offer is not valid outside the bounds of Earth's gravitational field. Your case, Z, is simpler than all that. Since you two aren't related except by marriage, whack it all you want as long as she's doing this willingly. Don't be some kind of sick freak and force her into shit. That's not cool. Guys will come bust your chops if you mess with chicks like that. Ken!

Dear Ken!, No question, just congratulations on the new member of the Dear Ken! family. Have fun with the new bundle of joy - and feel free to ask questions at any time (trust me, you'll have a bunch of them!) Give Nate Dogg a smooch for me! The Little Red-haired Girl

Dear Little Red-haired Girl, I will bundle my well-wishes and pass them along to Nate Dogg's proud new parents. Uncle Ken! is always happy to see his family grow... for with each new member I grow stronger and I move one step closer to world domination. Mu ha ha ha ha ha! Aw crap. Did I say that last part out loud? Ken!

Dear Ken!, I got a mullet (you know a mullet - Business in the front, Party in the back!) but my wife hates it. I got it because it when I work on my car in the yard, the back of my neck keeps getting sun burned. It is also gives me a more tidy appearence then having all long hair (which is a pain anyways). What should I do? I don't want to get skin cancer on my neck, but my wife makes fun of me! Shane

Dear Shane, Let me put it this way: if a mullet were a person, it would be O.J. Simpson. That's how cool a mullet is. Ken!

Dear Ken!, Okay this is going to seem like a petty question, but I am gonna ask it anywayz. My name is Juls. I just moved out of my parents house, and I tell you what, I didn't get out much. My parents were stict, they meant the best though and raised a good kid. I'm not gonna lie, I'm cute, and there's a couple guys that like me. There's one that I like, and we have been kinda hanging out, and we kissed last night. I want to make him happy, but not sexually yet, because I am still a virgin. I want to lose that in a special way. But I was thinking I could give him a blow job...but I never have. And I don't know what to do or like, where to suck or what to suck. how do guys like it? thankx juls

Dear Juls, It seems that the most profound of the Clinton legacies is a dramatic shift in the public's perception of oral sex (and thong underwear, but that's a different column). Teens apparently don't give cock sucking a second thought. It's moved from beyond home run (using the age-old baseball metaphor) to third base if second is heavy petting. Could you imagine what the schools would be if Bill had gone around through the back door? I get the "How do I give a blowjob?" question weekly and the reason I don't have a step-by-step answer (like "insert prong A into part B, remove, repeat until satisfaction is reached") is because it's not that simple. Cocks come in such a wide variety of shapes, sizes and histories that all which is common between them is stuff you can figure out yourself. Everything beyond that really depends on the parties involved. Really. When you choose offer yourself up for oral pleasure have fun... the rest will come. And don't give it away to the first guy who says he loves you. There will be plenty of time in your future for hot, hot monkey love! Ken!

Dear Ken!, I dated this really great guy for like 6 months. He was perfect. Sweet, nice, very affectionate, honest and he cared for me more than anyone ever has. Going on the 5th month of our relationship, things started to change. He decided that he wasn't ready to settle down, so we went our seperate ways. A year had gone by and we didn't talk once, but I never stopped loving him because he was everything I ever wanted in someone. Out of the blue, he called me. For a few weeks we were talking on the phone and hanging out, and I feel back in love with him pretty quickly. But for some reason he told me that he's not sure how he feels because he didn't feel that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling anymore. I really love this guy and don't know what to do. Please help!!!!!!!!! Chris

Dear Chris, I have to break it to you but this guy's looking for an emotional high more than a relationship. Sure, he's everything you want in a person... except he doesn't want you. Quit wasting your time with this guy and find one with a different flaw. Find someone that doesn't jerk you around emotionally like a Jamaican chicken. (Mmmmm... Jamaican jerked chicken.) You deserve better. Butter? Did someone say butter?!? Aw screw it. I'm going to get something to eat. Ken!

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