June 16, 2003 Mister 21/20 & Shizzle My Nizzle!

Dear Readers, All this talk about Hillary's book got me thinking about that presidential blowjob. Bill lied and everyone got in such a tizzy. The moral outrage and all that. Oral sex in the oval office, imagine that! Millions offended! Now George W. Bush lies about the Iraqi weapons of mass destruction resulting in thousands of lives lost on all sides and billions of dollars spent on bombs rather than books, and all those who profess to be so moral and shit sit quietly like their mouths are full of it. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have a male friend who said he has 21/20 vision. He explains that his day vision is perfect but his night vision is extremely quick to adjust and he sees as well in the blackest areas as if it were daylight. I have never heard of such a thing... believing that 20/20 vision is 100%. Is he pulling my leg? Tracy

Dear Tracy, I'll admit I hadn't a clear notion of the meaning of 20/20 vision until you asked this question. But thanks to this friend of mine who plays a doctor on teevee, I now fully understand that this friend of yours is both boastful and clueless. If anything, 21/20 is ever-so-slightly below average. It's certainly nothing to crow about. Turns out 20/20 is an expression meaning what you see at twenty feet is what others see at twenty feet. Someone with better vision, let's say 20/10, can see at twenty feet what we can only see at ten feet. 20/20 is average, the benchmark being an average human. Some have 20/15 or 20/10 sight. Apparently hawks sport a measly 20/6 compared to an eagle's 20/4. Want something to kick around next time you're high? Consider this: with a new type of laser surgery under development human eyesight could be improved to as great as 20/6. I'd only have it done if it gave me x-ray vision. But selective x-ray vision. Think about it. There's a lot of stuff out there I just don't care to see. Ken!

Dear Ken!, Hey there. Im having serious misunderstandings about my crushe's behavior. First of all I told him I liked him about 4 months ago on Valentine's Day awww. We hadn't ever really talked before and when we did he told me he hadn't talked to me because he was scared. So we went to a gig and that night was so awesome. It was him and his friends and me and my friends but we ended up talking the whole night. He is a guy who has never had a girlfriend or experienced anything physical with a girl. It was a cold night and we were holding each other. It was nice. Then he walked me back home and told me that the girl he is always with at lunch likes him but that he didn't like her. So the following week at school he started hanging out with me. We spent lots of time together. I even put a sticker on him that said "TAKEN" and he didn't take it off insteda he put it in a more noticeable place. When that happened I figured he must be a bit interested. That night when we talked I think I pushed things too hard. I went too quickly for him I know. I told him that everytime he walked me to class he should hug me becuase I felt like he just wanted to drop me off and leave. He was very surprised that I thought that. And he asked for another reason I said "Well that's what guys and girls do." And that's all it took. He stopped going in lunch and we stopped talking. My bliss only lasted about 3 weeks total. We never kissed or were a couple. The thing is that all the time when he sees me talking to a guy he gets mad. When I talk about a guy he gets mad. When there's a hot girl passing by and his friends talk about her looks he doesnt say anything and just looks at me. When there's a guy commenting on my looks he just looks down. There's a just so many things he does to make it seem like he cares but makes no effort to soothe things between us. What's going on? I mean, is he just upset that I don't give him so much attention? Please help, this is really killing me. Sheila

Sheila, You're really asking the wrong people. The only ones who know that answer are you and this crush of yours. You tell me this is his first time doing anything couple-like with a girl. You say you believe you came on too strong and the next day was nothing like the last. Perhaps you freaked him out. Maybe he feels weird about hugging you in public. Give him a break. He's probably confused although that jealousy thing he's doing with you is manipulative. Try to talk with the boy. Maybe he'll fill in some of the blanks. Ken!

Dear Ken, I've ben going to someotheradvicewebsite.com for advice latly and he's good for a good ha ha. But if your serious, which is why I came here. Any way, I'm 13 and I've been going out with this really hot girl named Beth. She normally is sweet, funny, and can be serious time to time but I never would be going out with her in the first place if she wouldn't of said she'd kill herself if I said no. I thought she was bluffing so I said no but that night she tried to. I said yes but a few days after a girl named Kate (who is REALLY hot) said she "wanted me" (she really said she wanted to have sex with me) remember I'm only 13 and I don't think I'm ready but she's SO hot I can't say no. Anyway, Beth said she'd kill herself if I dumped her and this time I take her seriously. How do I brake up with her with out her dying? PS: I tried talking to parents. They think I'm lieing. -Tyler-

Dear Tyler, Well shizzle my nizzle! There isn't anything quite like being blackmailed into a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I only know because I've been there myself. I don't know what was worse, the intense feeling of self-betrayal or the fear that she'd do it. Fortunately few really mean it. In most cases it's nothing but classic soap opera drama. Something doesn't add up here. How could her parents not believe you if she's already tried? If you think she's serious get her to write about her threats of suicide and give the notes to her parents, then be done with her. Otherwise, explain to her that you respect yourself too much to be blackmailed into a relationship. Ken!

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