July 1, 2002 Wanted: Foot Soldiers Of Freak

Dear Readers, Just when you think things cannot get weirder, the weird-o-meter ratchets up another couple notches. Enron, WorldCom and Xerox-- if individuals rather than corporations had committed these crimes they'd already be raped on the cold concrete floor of prison block C. And how about this "under God" thing? I don't want to hear any of that "the United States is a Christian nation" bullshit. If the United States were a Christian nation Bill Clinton would have been removed from office. But what really gets me is this police state that's quietly being laid upon us. The U.S. government has unleashed so many resources and people to investigate what amounts to "suspicious activity" that it's inevitable that our rights will be violated. It's not like the FBI has a sterling record in the matter-- 70's liberal group investigations and 90's crime lab inaccuracies. Even scarier, while Americans blather on about the freedom in this nation, they seem to want to be the first in line to exchange theirs for vague promises of security in the form of secret courts and other various civil rights tramplings. Just let me know when the Two Minutes Hate is to begin; I don't want to miss that. Doubleplusgood, Ken!

Dear Ken!, im in love with you i cant help my feelings lee

Dear Lee, Recently there was a great disruption in the advice space-time continuum when Ann Landers slipped from this mortal coil. Truly an advice giving institution, Eppie can still provide us with a solid piece of wisdom from beyond the grave: beware falling for advice columnists-- at least those you've never met-- lest they look like her withered 94 year-old skeleton. Ken!

Dear Ken!, Most of my friends and even guys think Im REALLY REALLY weird. But I don't see HOW I AM WEIRD. I feel uncomfortable thinking of myself as a seriously weird person. I feel left out and what can I do if there's really weirdness in me. What should I do and not do? Please... No Rub Express

Dear No Rub Express, This globe is crammed to the corners with utterly average folks leading mediocre lives. Another someone like the masses is not something we really need. What we need are the valiant few who will march to the beat of their own drummer, even if the drummer is a beagle in a yellow flowered mu mu pounding out Neil Pert riffs on a drum set. More than ever in these times of stifling blandness do we need foot soldiers of freak to be themselves and let the freak flag fly, to take pride in the fact that you posses something so few do: originality. In a world full of grey plastic stamped houses and people you're the sunshine, the rain, the wind and the heat. Don't let the sirens of normalcy tame. Run wild, run free! Ketchup Enjoys Notification!

Dear Ken!, This french boy took me out to eat, the bill came and it was about $12. He said, "shall we share zee sheck? I will buy us zee drinks, later." I was a bit taken aback, so I coughed up 7 bucks and forgot about it. Later, i thought, "Eeewww! What a cheapskate!" But i like him otherwise. Am I making a big deal about this? should liberated women be expected to pay half the check? do they do this sort of thing in france? this has never happened to me before. i have never heard of this happening to anyone i know. how do i deal with this problem? what should i say? Melinda

Dear Melinda, If you're concerned this guy lacks class and sophistication you have more to worry about that him wanting to go Dutch. What kind of classy joint will serve up a fancy meal for a measly $12? Did he biggie-size his fries? Have I mentioned what kind of abomination the phrase "biggie-size" is to our language? (It doesn't matter. If people are willing to wipe their asses with the Bill of Rights-- in the name of security, of course-- they're certain to dab their pee pee with pages of Webster's.) But the cheap restaurant isn't really the issue here. It's the sad, sad fact that you don't feel like you can raise this matter with Jean Claude, Pierre or whatever-his name is. It's not like it's some kind of international crime to question a date's opinion of going dutch (if anyone's committing an international crime it's the man who ordered US jets to bomb a Afghan wedding party today). Just pretend you're curious from a sociological standpoint. Don't be such a fraidy-chat. Ken!

Dear Ken!, My best friend lives an isolated life. He spends most evenings at home alone and I have become his only social outlet. He gets along with his co-workers, but does not seem to want to pursue social relationships outside of the office. I feel guilty making plans that don't include him because I know he will end up sitting at home doing nothing. I don't want to hurt him, but I do not want to be joined at the hip with him either. Any suggestions would be welcome.

Might it be possible he enjoys the time he spends alone? Ken!

Dear Ken!, How can a dude pleasure himself if he can't get no pussy? Ladies have dildo's, us men need somthing to stick. Can you help me out? 1 horney dude

Hey Dude, If you've got a computer and internet access and you can't find anything phony to phuck then you've certainly got more problems than not being able to get any pussy. Ken!

Dear Ken!, My boyfriend of 21 years has played around for as long as I can remember. Recently I had an affair with a guy 6 years my junior and have now decided to finish it after 1 month. I feel full of guilt and mortified with myself that I did this. Why? Technically, I have got away with it, no one knows. Mortified

Dear Mortified, con·science n. 1. a. The awareness of a moral or ethical aspect to one's conduct together with the urge to prefer right over wrong: Let your conscience be your guide. b. A source of moral or ethical judgment or pronouncement: a document that serves as the nation's conscience. c. Conformity to one's own sense of right conduct: a person of unflagging conscience. [Thanks dictionary.com!] Now if my years philosophical training at the seminary were worth anything... a sense of guilt indicates a guilty conscience. You know, like when you do somethingwrong? Ken!

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