July 8, 2002 The Rubber Business & Ken's Losing Your Virginity Do's & Don'ts

Ken, I'm 38 and being pursued by a wonderful guy who is 8 years my junior. Dating a younger guy seems wierd to me, but the more I talk about it with my friends, the more "normal" it seems. My friends are all women, though, and I'd like your opinion, as a guy, on the issue. Thanks. clueless in Chicago

Dear Clueless, Wow, you're a wild woman, aren't you?!? Woo! Woo hoo! Wild. You are. Really. Well... actually, no. Not at all. If you were sixteen, yes. That would be creepy in an alt.sex.stories kind of way. What's so wild about dating a thirty year old? Get some while there's still some fight in him! Ken!

Dear Ken!, I am i a geek i have glasses, red curly hair and freckles

Well I'm a dork with brown eyes and hair on my ears! Ken!

Dear Ken! I'm having strange sexual dreams about plump bisexual ladies wielding chain saws, it's ruining my sex life, and my bedclothes also. Should I see a shrink, or buy a chainsaw and pull a chubby-chick? Abbatoir Man

Abbatoir Man, Are you sure you're not remembering something from a Genitorturers video? They sound awfully similar. One school of psychology holds that people with dreams that drive their waking lives should face those dreams. Next time you have that dream and realize it's that dream, interact with it. Ask these abundant she-devils what it is they want. The likelihood is it will resolve itself. Ken!

Dear Ken!, After having completed assignments in different countries for my employer I am finally back home and happy (my family and friends are here, I have sorely missed them while away). Now I have a problem - I am worried to get sent off abroad again if my employer can't find anything for me back here and I don't want to go! Not for longer than 2 months at a time, that is. That's why I have applied direct with the company my agency employer supplies staff for. Somehow my employer has found out about my application and now they don't trust me. How can I explain that I will still be happy to work for them but not at the price of being sent abroad for longer than 2 months at a time? No longer nomad

Dear Nomad No More, If there's one thing I've learned over the years of being in the rubber business is that despite all the outrageous demands a company places on the workers, the workers often fail to speak up about their needs. Your desire to stay closer to home after serving such a long stint away is a completely reasonable request that you should immediately make to the powers that be. There's nothing wrong with a person stating their needs. (Unless it involves prepubescent children and a bottle of olive oil, then it should probably be kept quiet.) Ken!

Dear Ken!, i quit my job in arizona(i worked at the motor vehicle for 10 yrs) to move to san diego and become a partner in a business, shortly after arriving i was no longer a partner. my boyfriend and his brother are now the only partners, we are making the same amount of money as we were when i was a partner. we have been here over a year and i have no idea what to do with myself, i look in the paper for jobs but none interest me. i really don't want to work in the same field i was in and i am not happy staying home. my boyfriend makes coments that we would have more money if i got a job! but i feel that i would be settling for something. really i feel i got screwed in the whole business deal and now i can't get out of my rut. i feel like why should i get a job!? please help! Msshelly

Dear Msshelly, A business deal gone bad is no excuse for not working! And the reason you feel like shit is that you're leading an aimless life. What do you have to look forward each day when you wake up? The Price Is Right? Re-runs of Matlock? Okay, maybe you do the housekeeping and grocery shopping but what if this boyfriend of yours exited the picture for whatever reason? What then? You'd be bitter and unemployed. Screw that "but I'm settling" crap and find a job. Ken!

Dear Ken!, do u have any tips for a guy losing his virginity? what to do, and what not to do? stewart

Dear Stewart, A million books could have been written-- perhaps they have-- about that moment in which we're thrust into a new world of carnal knowledge. But you clearly don't have time to read a million books so I'll reduce the total sum of all universal wisdom on the subject into this handy (and printable) list of Ken's Losing Your Virginity Do's & Don'ts. Do use a condom. Don't cry during sex. Do insist that you get copies of the photos. They make excellent keepsakes! Don't repeat, "Yes mother!" in a high, slightly psycho voice. Do insist that the blood stained bedclothes are hung in front of the family home to signify of your passage into adulthood. Don't expect to be Mr. Stud Boy first time. There's a reason lovemaking is considered an art (although try convincing those bastards at the N.E.A. about that!). Do take your socks off. Do you hear me guys? TAKE YOUR FUCKING SOCKS OFF!!! It's hard enough to have any pride about being male as it is but then half of us have to go off and screw with our socks on like god damned fucking country bumpkins. Take your goddamnfucking socks off! Don't ask if it was good for her. Do remember to use a condom. Don't do more than you're comfortable doing. Do remember to wipe down the leather and latex toys and clothing when you're finished. Don't confuse sex with love. At least try not to. Do wear clean socks and underwear. (But take the socks off! What did I tell you about the socks?) Don't try to prolong the experience by thinking of a ball-peen hammer pounding my hairy, raisin-like ball sac. But now that I mentioned it I bet you'll never be able to get that one out of your head. Do remember that most Penthouse Letters dirty talk vernacular-- such as "seething gash" and "fun bags"-- is not appropriate. Not until you get to know each other better, that is. Don't make any promises you're not prepared to keep. Do remember to tell them that Ken! sent you! Good luck! Ken! P.S. If you're not prepared to take responsibility for your actions don't take action. Confidential to Ghost Soldier, Don't just sit there and watch Dharma and Greg. Stand up. Speak up. Act up. Tweak the nipples of the establishment. Use your passion to convey your fear and isolation and disgust over what a handful of white rich oil guys are doing to this fine nation. Ken!

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