July 15, 2002 Summer Heat, Cool (re)Treats & Piss Shivers

Hey Ken, My wife has gotten fat. We've been married for ten years and she lost interest in sex about two years into it -(about the same time I became interested) - she likes the manipulation of me being or pretending to be not interested except now I'm not. (nothing wrong with fat, some of my best freinds are fat). We've worked on many issues abuse as a child, romance, forplay but I think it's just like getting married and getting comfortable not worrying about gaining a little weight or being flirty for attention...she gets the 'motivation' when she gets jealous but like me pretending to be uninterested it's just another manipulation and really I'd like to have two people feeling sexual no hidden agendas. I'm in great shape. We are great buddies and I'm excited to see her every night when we get home from work. She is biking with me and is taking little (insignificant) steps to getting in shape which she would say was the reason long ago she lost interest in sex (self-esteem)- Our relationship is great I'm happy and I'll live like a monk or a monkey if I must but I haven't had sex in a few years and all I really want is sexuallity flirty sexy atmosphere no spanking diapers role playing needed but I don't want it from guilt and I don't want it from no fat lady I want a hot little 18 year old like the add promised (just kidding) - but she still wants to change in the bathroom just like our wedding night how sweet... Monkey Man

Dear Monkey Man, I hope you realize that if I had some kind of magic quick fix for this age-old dilemma I wouldn't be wasting my time writing a second rate advice column, I'd be selling my secret on late night teevee and cooking my company's books like all those other greedy, soulless bastards. It sounds a little un-American but so does the answer to your problem. There's no quick fix if you're going to do this right. It will take a good deal of time, even more effort and the willingness of your monkey mate. Sounds like you've got the first two covered, how about the third? You don't mention whether she understands the importance of sex in your life or even cares. Open up those channels of communication, find a good counselor and settle in for the long haul. (You might start by editing your question to me-- remove the direct references to fat and that joke about the hot little 18 year old-- and give it to her. It's really very sweet.) Good luck! Ken!

Dear Ken!, You seem a desent man, able to figure what is realy life and whats a load of crap. I was wondering if you to believe that all teachers are Aliens from space, who are on thei planet to suck out our brains (why most teen's are thick). I have been lately wondering about this topic when the giants man eating ant, landed on the earth in 1987 and raped the whole population of dogs to bread a new type of furry ants with less intelligence, so that they would help take over the world. But the goverment caught them in the act and managed to kill most of them. Now my question is.......do you like curry? fat smelly chunky pie from the land of the mental insane

Dear FSCPFTLOTMI, Mentally insane? Is there any other kind of insanity? Could one be physically insane? Emotionally insane, yes, but physically? Do I like curry? No. I do not like it in a house, I do not like it with a mouse. Not on a boat, not with a goat. I do not like curry, Chunky Pie, I do not like it by and by. Look out Seuss! Ken!

Dear, Dear, Dear Ken, Why the f**k is life so complicated? I mean why? Everything is ring this press this, chose this and eat this and do this, why oh why can't we just do what we want with out a load of idiots trying to sell you rubish you don't need, or eat food's that taste and probably are your own c**p. Please help, I'M GOING MAD I TELL YA...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Poor little child in need of help!!!!

Dear Poor little child, That food isn't made from our own crap, it's made from Soylent Green, the latest for modern food technologies from Amalgamated Foodcorp. Try some today. Speaking of crap, lately rather than turning the channel on my teevee I've been turning it off. Much to my pleasure I rediscovered the lost charm of hearing the train roll through town on a warm summer evening or the crowd at the local baseball stadium cheering a home run. Or the crickets and frogs and whatever the hell else makes noise in that still inkiness that is a hot summer night. It's also made me aware that increasingly people are more frequently retreating to their cool and more often air conditioned homes rather than spending the summer out on the streets getting to know each other. There's so much that's lost when people sit a home every night and watch teevee. One of the reasons it seems like our society is falling apart is that no one knows each other anymore. (I learned this late because I grew up in the woods with few neighbors except for the distant barking dog.) It's important for humans to feel like we're a part of something. So often we feel alienated because it's just so easy to sit there and just let the entertainment happen to us. It's mesmerizing but oh so vacuous! Don't think I'm all preachy here-- I know the first name of only one of my neighbors. The others are just like any other stranger who passes me in the street. But aren't people more human if you know a name and a little history? And it's all about being a human rather than a consumer. If they had it their way we'd be nothing more than zombies who watch teevee to receive their instructions: "Yes Master Bush. We must consume. Buy anything with an American flag on it. Our economy depends on you! Must proceed to Mal-Wart..." Ken!

Dear Ken!, What causes piss shivers? Me!

Dear Me!, You, my friend, have apparently stumbled across a question of the ages for no mortal man (or woman) knows the answer. Fortunately I'm in good with a couple of old school deities from like, a long, long time ago. You know, back when everything was all black and white and shit. Like before Paul McCartney was in that band, Wings. But probably way before that. So I figured I'd ask one of these Greek gods and I even got in my Tempest and began driving over to their place but on the way I got hungry and stopped at one of those Burger McWendy fast food joints. I scarfed, man. You wouldn't believe the quantity of cheesy potato wedges I downed, dude. It must have been like a ton or something. By the time I got done packing all that food away it was kinda late and if there's one thing you don't want to do, man, it's wake up an old Greek god. So I figured I'd point my Tempest homewards and check on the net. That place has all the answers. So I get home and type "piss" into a ton of search engines and all I get are web sites of people pissing on each other. Now I'm not one to harsh on someone's groove but what's up with that? I mean put some plastic down at least! Jeez, my mom would blow an artery if I pissed all over the couch and girlfriend. (She'd probably be madder about the couch.) So I search on "piss shivers" and I find the sites that point to some punk band. I never heard 'em but they have a well executed logo so I figure they're cool. Maybe I'll see if Limewire can deliver the goods on them later. Then I try "urination shiver" and come up with this web site about bathroom habits and it even has a survey on the matter. It mentions piss shivers but doesn't even pretend to know what causes them. Turns out both men and women experience piss shivers. And of the two thousand some respondents around one-third have ever experienced these shivers. Some describe it feeling like a mini-orgasm. For me it's more like a cold, electrical storm shooting out my spine. I never gave piss shivers much thought myself and apparently few others have. Maybe there's some research grant money in this. I also read that supposedly George Carlin did a bit about piss shivers. She said the piss shiver is a holdover from the caveman days when men hadn't figured out how to shake it yet. Keep shivering, Ken!

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