July 21, 2003 Midget Clown Love & Sure-Fire Ways To Lose An Erection

Dear Ken!, My mother/father in-law have been married for 51 years and my father in-law apparently put his wife and kids through pure hell(abusive/alcoholic)now he is in poor health needs full time care/supervision and my mother in-law with my help placed him in a nursing home because she feels she can no longer care for him. The problem is their daughter who never once had offered to help in any way and might I add made it plan that she hated his guts before has all of a sudden decided her mother is horrible for putting him in a nursing home, has nothing to do with her mother and has forbidden her kids (whom my mother in-law helped raise) to see her also. This is very hard on my mother in-law as she was used to seeing them all everyday. My husband and other son have said they wish the father would just die and be out of everyone's hair. I feel responsible because the mother in-law would have never done any of it if I hadn't helped but I felt like she already lived in hell long enough and didn't need to kill herself taking care of someone who had treated her so bad all those years. Any suggetions/help would be appreciated. Tammy

Dear Tammy, As far as I'm concerned what goes around comes around. If you're a nice guy, like Lance Armstrong let's say, and you stop and wait for your fiercest competitor to get back on his bicycle after a spill, that rival may very well extend the same courtesy some day. If you're a complete asshole and kick the guy in the head as you speed by you shouldn't expect any less in return. Sounds like your father-in-law kicked a lot of people in his time and no one should be surprised when his family puts their needs in front of his at a time like this. But apparently not everyone sees it that way. The important thing to understand is that while you can be responsible for your decisions you cannot be responsible for others feelings. Clearly daughter dearest came completely out of left field with these objections. If she had an ounce of maturity in her she would have voiced her concerns before it was decided to put your derelict dad-in-law in a home. And even if she didn't get her way she should grow the fuck up and quit punishing her mother and her own children. Given the feelings of her siblings I suspect it's only a matter of time before she understands that this was the best option for everyone. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I think these girls i see around town are hot and cute and BEAUTIFUL but I also like to see mens penis's to see what they look like(are they different in size are some hairier thanothers) i want to know if u think i'm gay i know i'm not but need other opinions Pete

Dear Pete, This spring I finally watched an episode of American Idol just to see what the commotion was all about. That doesn't make me one of the millions of mindless chattle who watch the show faithfully. A friend of mine owns cats but he's entertained by other people's dogs. That doesn't make him a dog person. And I know plenty of guys who look at other men's cars but that doesn't mean they want to suck their cars or have their cars rammed up their asses. Dude, don't worry about. There's nothing wrong or gay about being curious. Considering how many guys are concerned about the size of their John Thomas I have a hard time believing you're the only one doing the old school compare and contrast. Or let me put it this way: just because I like looking at websites of midget clowns fucking doesn't mean I want to fuck a midget clown. You got it? Good. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have erections somtimes before i got to the loo and i spray on the floor is there a way I can get my penis to relax and pee properly(in the bowl) Joseph

Dear Joseph, I've had lengthy discussions with women who can't understand why men can't reliably hit their target in this sense. My argument has always been that it's not easy to control a fire hose under high pressure. Not to mention one that's pointing in the exact opposite direction than is necessary to properly hit the target. The goal here would be to find ways to get it down (as opposed to get it up). To that end I've compiled a list of sure-fire ways to lose an erection: A couple minutes of the O'Reilly Factor on Fox always seems to destroy any sort of desire in my loins. Ponder the peptidergic regulation of chromatophore function in the European cuttlefish Sepia officinalis. Crack yourself in the jewels with a ball peen hammer. As I mentioned last week, imagine the school principal and the lunch lady getting' it on. Jack off. I hear doing a lot of cocaine can make it difficult to get an erection. Two words: Maria Schriver. Good luck reining in your pole. Ken!

Ken!, Well, for some strange reason...which I'd rather not try to decipher...I went out with a Greek who had a drinking problem, was shite in bed and only had a small willy. Not only this, but he was a lazy son ofa bitch who tried to pass his degree by plagiarising other students work.......fortunately he was caught and in the passage of time, inevitably flunked his degree. I jacked him in but this is where the problem starts.......Mr Dontgetitatallus...doesnt get that I'm not interested. I've been so blunt you could have whacked him out with a sledge hammer......theres a thought....anyway.......he cant seem to stop ringing me and says when he comes back to the UK, he is bringing his mother and sister, wants me to meet them and has bought me a gift......I dont understand why he just doesnt naff off. Ken, dude, help me.......how am I going to get rid of this nasty little wart???? Naffed off in the UK!!!

Dear Naffed, I'm thinking back through the decades of trite sit-coms for a good, workable solution. I fear reverse psychology might backfire. He seems too dense to believe that you've gone lesbian on him. Unless you know your God stuff, the "I've found God and I'm a born-again virgin" business likely won't fly. How about making up a fiancée and setting a wedding date? That would certain put the kibosh on his plans. Or you could figure out a way to slip a couple thousand bills worth of Iraqi money into his carry on bag before he leaves for the airport. I'm sure that would keep him tied up for a good long time. Ken!

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