August 12, 2002 Leave Lumpy For Dumpy, The Crow Speaks & The Pondering Pool

Hi Ken, I am 27 year old married asian women. I have a problem in my life which is eating my brains out. I got married 4 years ago and it was a marriage of convenience rather than out of love. I was under depression and I was compelled to get married. Now I met with my ex-boyfriend who has never left my thought and with whom I was going steady for more than 3 years. My husband loves me dearly and so does my boy friend who is rather my soul mate. I am sticking to my husband since I feel committed. I yearn to be in my boyfriends company and want to marry him and lead a meaningful life than to please someone whom I donot love. I am not at peace of mind. What should I do? Should I listen to my heart or listen to my conscience? Anonymous

With the world as crazy as it is with the West Nile virus, terrorists, killer sharks, child snatchers and teen mothers I wouldn't bank on tomorrow. You never know when you'll struck down by terrorists, the West Nile virus or a teen mother. Life is too short to be 28 and in a loveless marriage. Follow your heart but use your head first to check this guy out. Make sure you're not leaving Lumpy for Dumpy. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have a few questions.... Are slugs really just snails with nowhere to live? Do they taste the same if fried in garlic butter? I have a dead possum (I killed him with ratsak) ferreted in the back compartment of my piano. He lived there for a while before I got sick of him playing basketball up and down the hall in the middle of the night. How do I get the putrefying carcass out without damaging the instrument (late 1800's Chicago pianola). There is no way in and no way out, unless I turn it upside down or shrink to the size of the animal in question. It weighs a ton. My cat is 16 years old, wiv no teef and walks funny due to arthuritis....she is sweet but I think in pain but...should I have her put down or wait until she keels over naturally? Cat Lady with sore pussy

Dear Cat Lady with sore pussy, Did you hear about this crow, Betty, in the news the other day? She's the bird that made then used a tool to get food, proving to the world that crows possess some higher reasoning skills. That'll teach the human race to be so goddamn fucking arrogant! I'd always thought crows knew something we didn't give them credit for-- they always seem to be laughing at us. Being a cutting edge organization we've decided to use our own in-house crow to peck out some answers. Everyone, this is Cain the Crow. Cain, this is everyone... [Cain] hi [Ken!] Don't expect proper punctuation and capitalization from Cain. Just like many of you he can do it but chooses not to. Cain? Do you have an answer for Cat Lady? [Cain] cill cat [Ken!] What other advice would you expect from a bird? Anything else Cain? The lady had several questions. [Cain] you eat slug i eat possum [Ken!] Maybe the research nerds need to put a little more time into this one. I'm sure with time we can... [Cain] Screw you, Ken! Caaaaaw! Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have a problem which I presume is unique since I've not seen it addressed in the media. I was molested by a member of the Roman Catholic Clergy as a young man of 14 years.... Actually I was molested by a total of 72 members (73 if necrophilia counts) of aforementioned clergy.... The thing that makes my situation unique was that it was young and lithe and nimble and beautiful nuns who did the molesting (devout too). They passed me around like an inflatible collection plate on a two-show Sunday. OK, my question is.... Does somebody owe me money?? Little Pal from Marist

Dear Little Pal, Everyone thinks they're entitled to fiscal remuneration. Christ, if I was paid everytime I had sex Bill Gates would be shining my shoes... with his tongue. And I'd make him wear a frilly little lace thing, latex gloves and an old fashioned nurse's hat. Isn't that what you would do with a massive fortune? How, exactly, are you going to prove that this Catholic love-in occurred not only in the pages of Penthouse Letters but also in real life? Do you have photos? If so, quit hoggin' and share! Ken!

dear ken my girlfriend is mad at me because someone stole money from her and i had a past reputation of it but i did not do it.How can i convince her im telling the truth im not a thief

Dear im not a thief, Have I told you I'm constructing an underground lair to house myself and Ask Ken! Industries Unlimited, Ltd.? Oh yes and the work is nearly complete. Since a great deal of Ask Ken! Industries Unlimited, Ltd.'s business is thinking related I figured it would be conducive to business to install a pondering pool, a small pond with matching rocky waterfall. One goldfish, Will, is included. (You'll have to keep reading to find out more about Will. He's elusive but full o' wisdom.) Tonight is the first time I've had a chance to sit next to the pondering pool and let it all soak in and it's already paid off. You see, as I sat here pondering quietly I noticed some odd bird sounds. Off in the bush behind me were two wild finches. I must have passed this pond a hundred times and have never seen a bird but when I finally stopped and listened the true nature of this pond revealed itself. You cannot convince your girlfriend any more than the pond could have smacked me upside the head but you can continue to be forthright so when she finally stops and listens she sees your true nature. Ken!

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