August 18, 2003 Please don't hold us accountable for the jackasses running our nation.

Dear Readers, Last week greeted me with a flat of blueberries and equally-sized upset stomach. You see, I've got this thing for blueberries. It's not that I like blueberries. It isn't even that I love blueberries, it's that I'm obsessed with blueberries. When blueberry season rolls around each summer, it's like I'm a Vulcan and it's The Red Hour, only in my case I have hairy ears, not pointy, and it's blue and it lasts a month or so, during which I gorge myself on those taught, fleshy berries, so sweet and juicy. It's how I imagine the clitoris of Mother Nature tastes on a hot, dusty summer day. But as I've proven many times before, too much of a good thing is too much and even those things that are so good (or good for you) do not come without a price. I have now paid that bill in full-- with gratuity, even-- and I am ready for another week of hijinx and hilarity knowing full well that in a year's time I will have to learn this lesson all over again. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have four ICQ and person to person dateable options but.... Me....attractive, vaguely intelligent, 41, financially secure, 2 kids 11/14 and want to be married at some point in time...eventually if I fall inlove (obviously). 1. Never married, my age, pilot, fat or large-boned from pic, well off, says he's never married due to so many friends he cant see the point of a wife....has 2 boxer dogs (I freaking hate dogs) 2. Author, my age but unemployed (so he can BE an author but on disability pension...he says he has none...so I figure mental disab?), unmarried with one child (same name/age as my daughter)...hit it off so much verbally via email...worried he might be a player or gold-digger. 3. My age, says he's married with a 6ft blonde Amazon wife and part of the Mafia....keeps hanging around and looking sexy...ahem....looking like he wants more than a date (but I'm starting to wonder if he made it da wife up as a joke coz I hit on him a bit in the beginning as I was a lil tipsy). Have set that straight...as in noooo I dont play with married men but he still sniffs around like a forlorn doggy. 4. 31 year old poet.....who isnt on my wavelength but seems keen on any interaction even if its sexless (maybe because he's a poet? and had jail time for fraud?) Look, I have been sexless for 6 months. I'm getting tired of being without a boyfriend. I dont want to hire a male prostitute....but I will if pushed much further. My halo is getting so low around my ankles it keeps tripping me over. Are ANY of the above mentioned men worth dating? I dont want any more casual sex stunts being pulled. All seem to want to date but I have doubts and where the hell are the normal men...or is this normal? Ken...I'm so tired of being single and a Nun. Is it me analysing or putting up too many barriers...or am I being sensible and it just rules out too many men? I dont want perfect...I just want someone I fancy, to trust and on my wavelength. Tracy

Dear Tracy, Have you ever heard a pro athlete talk about having tried too hard? Athletes know that magic moment in which the conscious mind fades away and their years of training, along with instinct and a touch of The Force kicks in enabling them to pull off what sometimes turns out to be pure magic. Our universe is weird that way-- it doesn't like when people try to force matters. I figure a good part of our universe is made up of love because like our universe, love doesn't like it when people try too hard either. And you're trying too hard. I know you're lonely and horny but clearly your current modus operandi hasn't gotten you anywhere. Forget the men and learn how to get yourself off until you've gotten to that point where you where you don't care about the men anymore. What you seek will happen when you're looking for it the least. Ken!

Dear Ken!, We're a young couple without children and we have no friends, except family. We were both in the military and that is what our freinds consisted of, couples in the military. All the couples that we were freinds with, have now moved on. We're left behind because of job opprotunities that came up after the military. For doing this we've watched all the couples leave that had the same intrest as us. Basically, no children, not religious, with time and the same intrests as us. Our question is how do you find couples that are into the same things as us. When we type up tring to find couple groups on the internet it always brings up swingers, and that isn't one of the intrests we have. What do you recommend? The Bored Couple

Dear Bored Couple, Personally, I prefer to find childless, non-religious couples at hotel lounges and fetish clubs, but you guys aren't into that. And even though you might not frequent hotel lounges and fetish clubs you might consider following my lead by spending time doing those things you enjoy doing as a couple. That way you're likely to meet other couples who enjoy those same activities, whether it's miniature golf or being shackled the dungeon wall and having your ass whipped until it's a rosy red. Ken!

Dear Ken!, i wish i could convey to you in some way what my problem is. its just that i think i lack ambition. i can hardly find the strength to get out of bed.im shirking my duties,my work,my responsibilities.but thats not the problem.the trouble is that i feel sorry afterwards that i could have done the thing that i chose not to do then. its kind of a vicious cycle thats destroying me. i cant enjoy anything because at the back of my head theres this realisation that i should have done what i didnt do and when the time comes to do something i again dont do it(read:cant find the reason\justification of doing it).its all very confusing, even more so because i dont particularly abhor my work. kindly advise. proteus

ear Proteus, The confusion, the lack of drive, the mention of the vicious cycle, the bewilderment over your own condition. Dude, you're depressed. But hey, it will be okay. At least you realize you're slipping into this downward spiral. As a service to you and the general public who, I might add, has some very good reasons to be depressed, Ask Ken! Industries Unlimited, Ltd. offers this list of good and bad things to do if you're depressed: Good: Get regular exercise. Bad: Get shit-faced on Jäger. Good: Bathe regularly. Bad: Get a tattoo of George W. Bush dressed like a British schoolboy. Good: Seek the guidance of a trained mental health professional. Bad: Seek the guidance of the guy with the mullet in trailer spot 3. Good: Love your neighbor, especially if s/he's hot. Bad: Manufacture evidence that gives you reason to pre-emptively invade another country. Good: Don't stay up all night and sleep all day. Bad: Don't sleep with that toothless woman who is always standing on the street corner mumbling to herself. Good: Keep a handle on your spending. Bad: Spending all your money on the Bush Administration Collectable Chess Set, brought to you by the good people at the Franklin Mint. Good: Keep in mind these are just basic guidelines. Bad: Ken!

Dear Ken!, I happened upon this site in a Google search and am so impressed with what I have seen that I could easily spend the whole day reading (pity work had to intervene!) I think that you are providing a valuable service and want to congratulate you. This is a space to ask a question so I should think of one... I live in South Africa and am utterly amazed by the seemingly overwhelming support that President Bush has from the American public. I would like to know whether this is media hype and how does the average American citizen feel about things in their country? In order to put this question into perspective... I am a political science postgrad student and am extremely interested in examing why people support a leader and the US is currently a very poignant case study. If you could point me in the right direction in terms of literature or websites or just give me some of your personal insight that would be great. Thanks, Lindsey

Dear Lindsey, I've said it before and I'll say it again: there's two reasons why George W. Bush received so many votes in the Presidential election, "George Bush". I'm convinced most of them thought they were voting for his father. Americans aren't so bright. And when I say they aren't so bright I mean they don't pay much attention to what's going on. They pick up their "news" from friends, family and whatever is scrawled on the men's room wall at the local Applebees. Those who consume something close to real news gets it from television news broadcasts. You know, those brief clips of video they use to fill the time between commercials. So, just as our President does, Americans make ill-informed sweeping generalizations, blathering on ad nauseum using wrong or non-existent words to make some point that has little or no basis in reality. I just beg you and everyone else outside the states, please, please don't hold us accountable for the jackasses running our nation. They've got their own agenda. Ken!

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