September 1, 2003 All Good Things Must Come To An End

Dear Readers, There comes a time in every man's life when he must accept things for what they are and face the facts: the time has come. I've fought it now for what feels like months but I can no longer ignore the calls from my family and friends. It is over and I must now go... on vacation. I'll be away for a week researching long, hot sausages and doing an exhaustive survey of the whores on 14th Street (along with one on Pennsylvania Avenue). Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have been seeing a lady friend now for several weeks and we are now what is considered an item and due to be married. The problem is quite a complicated one and something I am unable to bring up in her company. The issue rose its ugly head just a few days ago. We were kissing and cuddling on the sofa and it was becoming quite steamy and several buttons had been undone. Mostly collars and cuffs, nothing sordid. Anyway, to my amazement, 'Mary' (I will call her that for prudence sake), began grappling with the front of my trousers and had got herself in quite a state. When I looked down to see what the fuss was all about I saw that she was playing with a large torch that was in my pocket - I am a patrol worker and happily out of the habit of leaving it in my vehicle. For the rest of the evening Mary fondled the instrument, so roughly at times that she was catching the on/off switch which lit up my pants like the end of a good cigar. She almost broke the switch clean off and damn near flattened the batteries. Mary would not let go of it. In fact she got so out of breath, much worse than her usual asthma, I was forced to make my exit in order that she should calm herself down in case of an injury. For a while I thought that Mary possibly had a fixation with mobile illumination equipment, but then it dawned on me. Mary must have thought that the huge torch was something else. Something that I feel too embarrassed to reveal to her and yet with a honeymoon looming I have a deeper concern that what I hold for her on our 'special' night is nothing short of bitter disappointment. (It is a very large torch). What should I do? Be honest and casually flop Roger out when next in an embrace, hoping that she will conclude her desire had got the better of her imagination or break the whole thing off as I could never fulfill this woman's wanton passion? Please help and I will donate an amount of your choice to a chosen charity. Ralph Bites

Dear Ralph, If your lover is so innocent in the ways of carnal knowledge that she believes your John Thomas has a switch and a lamp at the end that lights up at the right moment, then you're set, my friend. You could likely tell her anything regardless of how fantastic or far fetched it was and she'd believe it. It's more likely she's got a lamp fetish than believes your Roger is big and hard and full of batteries. If that's the case, get yourself an American police flashlight and some rechargeable batteries and you're set for life! Ken!

Dear Lindsay, My name is Lindsay & Im 18 years old... I havent had an internet boyfriend before, but now ive got my guy; well, he's far away from me and i dunno if he loves me or if he doesnt, I asked for a tarot reading weeks ago, and they told me that he doesnt love me at all and he's engaged with a co-worker, I dunno what to do, cos ive fallen in love, but i cant be sure if he loves me so, I called him lots of times since we're together (almost 7 months) but he hasnt called me at all:( he says he doesnt like making calls, i dunno if he's greedy or if he just dont wanna call me :S I dont want to lose him, but u cant lose what u never had :( he's always telling me that he loves me, but he doesnt demonstrate it. I treated him bad today trying to make him broke up with me but he didnt.. i need an advice cos this situation makes me feel bad, cuz i love him :( - thanks 4 ur time

Dear Lindsay, I'm not sure if you know this but I have the ability to see into the future as well. My method of divination is tossing a tangle of SCSI cables and Windows 3.11 install disks onto the floor and reading the images formed by the mess. I did a reading for you just now. It turns out that it isn't your long distance guy who is misleading you but the computer you're using. It's distorting the emotions that pass from you to others over the internet. I recommend shutting that evil computer off right now and seeking relationships with people away from that bad, bad computer you use. Ken!

Dear Ken, Why are most men still attached to the umbilical cord, and at what age do they finally cut it? Stop me if I am wrong, but if men didn't want there girlfriends to act like nagging mothers, than why for fuck sake do they act like such children? When are men going to realize that women want the same thing that they want, an ample amount of fucking, with as little hassle as possible during the in between time. But instead they think that we are there as a replacement mommy. I hope that you can shed some light on this situation for me. Unintentional Cradle Robber

Dear UCR, I have a woman friend who is convinced she's a freak magnet. At first I didn't believe but the more time I spent with her the more I was convinced it was true. She's about as normal as a girl could be (and still hang out with me) but as soon as she stepped out of bed in the morning (and sometimes not even that) every guy with a wonky eye, a house made out of an old Maytag box or a skirt fashioned from Barbie bodies would immediately hone in on her. And it's not like she's looking for guys like that. They seek her out. I concluded that there was some subtle vibe she gave off that attracted the freaks. In a twist of cruel irony sometimes that which frustrates you the most finds you the most appealing. You must learn to fight your instincts and seek only the mature men who are capable of wiping their own asses rather than the man-boys who want to suckle your mommy-teat. Ken!

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