September 2, 2002 Attack Of The Blood Thirsty West Nile-infected Child Abducting Sharks!

Dear Ken!, I met a 30 year old guy on the internet a while back who I immediatly started talking to on the phone and have had great conversations with. It started out as a friendly thing and of course graduated to a little more than that. I am not looking for a relationship at all and since I am only 20 and he lives in the UK and I live in the US, I thought that it would be fine. Well, it has been almost a year since we met and we talk on phone, computer, and through webcams at least 4 to 5 times a week, sometimes everyday for hours. He has just recently asked me to come see him in France, where he will be for a week on business. He will pay for everything and send me the airline ticket. The only problem is that he is MARRIED. I have known about this since our first conversation, he told me right out and never tried to hide it. I was only looking for a nice guy to chat with at work, so I didn't really mind. I am not in love with him, because I wont let myself be but I know if I actually met him face to face, I would never want to leave his side again. He is not at all faithful to his wife (I have even talked over the phone to one of his other girlfriends) but I just don't think that I would be able to face myself if I knew that I had been one of the many girls he physically cheated on his wife with. I REALLY want to go but I know I would hate myself if I did. What is your opinion on this whole mess? Missing the British

Dear Missing The British, The way I see it the only valid reasons for accepting his invitation is the free trip to France and/or the opportunity to commit relatively strings-free adultery (if committing adultery is one of the items on your "Things I Must Do Before I Die" list). And since you're not after the adultery feather for your cap the only things in it for you would be the trip to France, a big disappointment and/or a broken heart. You see even with your tawdry webcam action and all the hot chat you still only know this guy in abstraction. The details you miss in this virtual relationship are filled in by your very kind imagination. Without meeting face to face you couldn't possibly know if the guy has chronic garlic breath or an unremitting flatulence problem. Your mind is not likely to fill those blanks in with those always possible and often likely tasty tidbits. There's even a chance that the whole meeting could turn out creepy. When I was much, much younger-- I was a mere zygote at the time-- I corresponded with a girl who I had met once, briefly. It became very intimate and she confided many very personal things. When we finally met again it was just too weird; we knew too much about each other to be comfortable. It was heartbreaking. Take the moral high road. Dump this guy and find a fun, naughty, strapping young man to keep you occupied. Save the thirty year olds for when you're thirty. Or forty. Ken!

Dear Ken, I was just wondering, will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster then a shark? Leonard Flowerday

Dear Leonard, I hope so and I hope it's soon. Why? Consider this: this nation was whipped into a frenzy last summer over shark attacks. No one was safe from the sharks, not the swimmers, nor the surfers, not even the Nebraska dirt farmers. Somehow, some way, those sharks were going to get us. This summer it's child abductions. All summer the evening news keeps asking us, "Can we keep our children safe?" But if you think the child abductions and the shark attacks were bad, hang on to your hats and glasses because next summer it'll be nothing but blood thirsty West Nile-infected sharks abducting our children. And the insanity will not end until terrorists strike, Chandra Levy's murderer is found or Dubya starts bombing the holy bejesus out of Iraq (without the support of the U.N. or Congress, of course). That's why we, as a nation, must focus our efforts towards birthing children than can out swim and out run child abducting, West Nile-infected sharks. It's only a matter of time before they start circling our playgrounds. Our future as a nation depends on it. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have a problem with my neighbor's cat. Every night it walks through the damp grass and dirt driveway to sit on the hood of my truck. The problem is that it leaves stupid little paw prints all over the place. I guess I could wash my car every day but that would get old fast. I don't want to poison or shoot the cat, but I'm tired of this mess. One time I did put a mouse trap with tuna on my truck, and it worked for one night, but then he didn't mess with the trap again. But he still sits on my truck. This little shit's owner is a trailer park single mother (ie., welfare ho), and she won't do anything about it. What do I do? Any ideas? Jim

Dear Jim, I suppose you don't have the luxury (like I do) of having winged monkeys to do you bidding. They're surprisingly effective as minions. Really the only down side is their mid-air poo-flinging (as opposed to a regular monkeys ground-based poo-flinging). Without the monkeys you'll have to consider more conventional methods. Rather than washing your truck off each morning, how about spraying it down each night? If it stays moist long enough lil' kitty will find some other place to bed down. Or maybe throw a moist beach towel across the hood. Or pop the hood and leave it up all night. Cats are afraid of wolves-- spread some wolf urine across the hood. Think like a cat and the answers will come. Eventually you'll find something that'll work. Ken!

Dear Ken!, What does a pussy taste like?

Take one part peach juice, mix it with stardust and dew collected on a cool spring morning. Add a pinch of desert heat and another of moist, rich earth. Stir until you swoon. Bury the mixture in a clay pot at the height of a full moon. Unearth exactly 28 days later. Dip your middle finger into the pot and savor. That is what pussy tastes like. Ken!

Dear Ken!, Q: [In a previous column you asked:] How come I can't quit humming the Bowie and Metheny tune, "This Is Not America"? Perhaps the toon has so many good-feel undertones that it does bass vibratoes in your soul. Or perhaps the marriage thing is not as you saw it should feel/be.....trouble in paradise? Methinks not, but you never know.....and with so many winsome lassies all wanting a piece of you....where is Rusty? it wouldnt be surprising BUT adjustment takes time big fella.....go with the flow. Sunshine lollypops may be your next heartfelt jiggy thing....muuuahhhhh xxxx Tracy....bewitching black widow

Dear Tracy, I'm humming "This Is Not America" because it is not. In the twelve months since terror attacks the Bush administration has emerged as an arrogant, swaggering redneck whom can't even spell Constitution, let alone write a thousand word essay on the meaning of due process and civil rights. Enemy combatant? The concept didn't exist until Dubya made it up as an excuse to throw American citizens in prison with no access to lawyers or even the evidence the government has collected against them. Considering it was the U.S. judicial system that handed Dubya the presidency in the first place you'd think the guy would have more faith in the system. Now the Bush administration (or some, at least) want to wage a nearly unilateral war against Iraq despite significant existing instability in the Middle East and growing anti-American sentiment. There's no better way to win the hearts and minds of Muslims than to head deep into their neighborhood and start kicking skulls. If Iraq were as great of a threat as the Bush administration makes it out to be you'd think they'd have the attention of the United Nations. Now that the U.S. is the only major super power on this planet it's only right that we quit behaving like a bully and set an example for the rest of the world and show that these matters can be solved without bloodshed. War only begets war, baby, and I'd rather we make love. And lots of it. Fight war not wars, Ken!

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