September 29, 2003 Oscular Experience & The Anus of Impossibility

Dear Ken!, i kissed a guy but i didn't feel nothing. that was my first kiss with this guy. he told me that he likes it but i feel nothing. what can i do is there any trick. or is there any way to make your kiss better. help! Annie

Dear Annie, It's not clear to me exactly how much oscular experience you posses but as with many things in this world, the end result is as much a function of the spirit and feeling behind an effort as it is the mechanics. Think of it as a figure skater who performs a technically perfect routine, but without emotion to it. For whatever reason this guy isn't selling it, or you're not buying. Try again and see if you weren't just a victim of the moment. Ken!

dear ken, i feel as if maybe there is something wrong with me. i have to masterbate in front of the mirror every morning then when i come in from work i beat it again. before i go to bed i beat it one more time. is this normal? love to play with it

Dear love to play with it, If you're mowing your way through school crossing to get home at the end of the day to beat it, you've got a problem. If you're pushing grandma down the stairs because she's kept you from that mirror too long, you've got a problem. If you wear it down to a numb, you've got a problem. Otherwise, don't concern yourself with "normal". After all, this is the nation that impeached a president over oral sex but doesn't bat an eye when another's fraudulent case for war results in the death of thousands. If you think of it that way, jacking it three times a day seems like nothing. Ken!

Dear Ken, I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. I lost my virginity to him. Last night he asked me if i'd given my ex of 4 years ago oral sex i said yes but to be honest it was us just carrying on and i never thought the question through... he freaked out and said i lied to him at start and had said i never. It sounds crazy and unbelievable but after i thought properly and thought back i remembered i hadn't. I just said yes without thinking properly. My boyfriend told me to get out and that i was a liar. I tried to explain i'd made a stupid mistake and not thought properly before saying i had but he wont believe me and says i cant blame him for not. I cant say anymore, i genuinely had a slip of the tongue, i never gave my Ex oral. How can i convince my boyfriend i never lied to him it was a stupid thing to say i had a mind blank. Panicking but honest, emptyheaded girlfriend

Dear Panicking but honest, empty headed girlfriend, It would be easy for me to tell you that you're better off without such an idealistic boyfriend, but I won't because it would be too easy. It would be easy for me to suggest that you continue telling him that you were mistaken until he surrenders and takes you back, but that repeating it until it's accepted as fact only seems to work for Republican presidents. It would be difficult for you to stand by the truth as you know it regardless of the consequences, hoping he comes around and that's what you ought to do. Ken!

Dear Ken! Washington Drivers... I've given this a lot of thought. When I first moved here (from Montana) I noticed right away that there were two types of drivers; those that obeyed the many signs stationed along the highway which read "Stay right except to pass" and those that sort of meandered along in the left lane, ignoring everything. After your question three weeks ago, I started to do research on my way to and from work. Here's what I found: 1. Slow left laners can be any age, any gender. I can't draw any conclusions about their religious affiliations but there does seem to be a disproportionate amount of "Bush/Cheney 2000" stickers on their bumpers. 2. A disproportionate amount seem to be from out of state originally - or, at least their cars seem to be from out of state originally. Most slow left laners' cars sport stickers from out of state car dealers. 3. I've noticed that, by and large, more slow left laners stick to the freeway spurs and stay off of I-5. I travel I-599 and I-509 regularly and see more slow left laners there than on I-5. This could also be because slow left laners also seem to be incapable of actually merging onto a freeway and I-5 is notoriously hard to get onto at certain times of the day. That's it for my research. If you can draw any conclusions from it, hopefully, it will answer your question. And thanks for the validation about staying single. Well meaning friends tried to set me up on a blind date the other day and I was able to fend them off with your excellent advice. Regards, SF in Seattle

Dear SF, This summer I also traveled to the Chicago and Washington D.C. areas and found no preponderance of slow left lane drivers. Certainly California doesn't have this problem. I wonder if it's cultural. Perhaps it's the result of how people use freeways in Washington state. There's got to be a government grant in here somewhere. Where's that fruity guy with the question marks and exclamation points all over his brightly colored suit when a guy needs government money? Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have a problem (at least I think it's a problem) and I'm hoping you can help me. You see, I think that I might actually be a god. Mind you, I'm not THE god like in "god almighty" but definitely A god of some kind. It starts at work with the daily miracles that I must pull out of the anus of impossibility. Then it's on to smaller things like saving the planet or driving back the forces of evil. That's not really the problem. The problem is that this shit gets old pretty fast. I just don't think I have the will or the strength to continue. Your advice would most certainly be appreciated. Grimace

Dear Grimace, Sorry to sound like an acting coach, but what's your motivation here? Are you reaching gloveless into the anus of impossibility each day to put gilled tenderloin of beef in a truffled foie gras demi-glace on the dinner plates of your CEO and his golf buddies? Are you doing this for your own good? For the good of others? Why should you even care about the anus of impossibility, or the sphincter of uncertainty, even? What is it that you speak of with passion and why can't your godlike qualities be applied towards that? Ken!

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