October 14, 2002 Crackers & Fingering Her "C" Key

Dear Ken!, Are you dead or something? Over 2 weeks and no new column. Concerned Reader

Dear Concerned Reader, I was dead but I'm okay now. Ken!

Dear Ken! I just cheated on my girlfriend whom I love very much and I feel so incredibly guilty right now. I got wasted with this very attractive, hard body Russian girl at this Mexican Fiesta night our campus bar was hosting and we ended up going back to my room, etc. I managed to stop myself from having sex with her however, so at least I don't have that on my conscience. Anyhow, I feel like I wanna cry and I don't know whether I should tell my girlfriend about this or not. This is the first time I've ever cheated on a girlfriend and I feel horrible, I would never ever do it again. Should I keep this a secret or do the honorable thing & confess which would probably ruin the relationship? Sad Man

Dear Sad Man, If you had no conscience you would have never written me in the first place. And anyone as guilt-ridden as you will undoubtedly spill the beans. That's where the difference between a boy and a man comes in. A boy will run away. A man will take responsibility for his actions. Perhaps you'll be fortunate and your lover will understand your foray into international relations. Ken!

Dear Ken! What made white cotton panties girlfriend different from the rest....so that you would marry her? Chemistry/longevity...as in, supporting you for a long time or really your fantasy and was she a challenge? What makes men quiver and not want to pass up the love of a lifetime? Just Very Curious ok Nosy

Dear Curious/Nosy, The other day at the grocery store I was struck by the sheer number of cracker offerings packed into the snack aisle. I can see selling a wide variety of staples like fruits and veggies or beer. But crackers? I figure taste in crackers varies widely from person to person. Relationships are like the cracker aisle-- what one person might take home another wouldn't give a second thought. What works for me, whether it be crackers, a lithe Latino houseboy or a woman in white cotton panties, probably doesn't work for other guys. The smart guys know when they've found the love of a lifetime. The stupid ones pass it up to pursue pussy and big titties. Ken!

Dear Ken!, Hmmm...dont know whether this question is fit for printing but...an ex lover seems to want to get back together but he's shy as he's put on heaps of weight and extremely busy with his new website, interviewing bands etc most nights...he's indicated he doesnt have a sex life. I understand he's busy and stressed and given his schedule I've given him an open invite to come over any night that suits him...as I'm free all but Friday nights and a bit of an night owl. I really want to have a relationship with him as I prefer a guy that keeps busy so I have uninterrupted time with my 2 kids until 9.30pm at least. The other night he said to me via the internet....dont hint...just tell me when to come over. But when I do that he's just got home and is knackered!!! I have no idea how/what/if a relationship can even happen. I havent had sex for over 9 months...I'm attractive and would have nooo trouble hooking up with someone (had many offers) but I save it because I really have strong feelings for him...he is such a beautiful/interesting man in so many ways. We have been talking again for 2 months on the net and he showed up for an hour a couple of weeks ago and still seems very interested and calls me sweetheart (he keeps sending messages via the net anyway and has called but I wasnt home). But I need sex....I'm horny and frustrated. I am willing to pay for it...its gotten that bad. He wont come over and play with me!!!! I dont want to push him away again, I dont want to cheat...I cant invite anyone over anyway now because of the open invite...he could turn up anytime he chose to. He did say once that he would have sex everyday if he could, so I'm dont think its lack of sex drive. He's Buddhist though...and cravings or attachment are not part of that doctrine? I respect his followings...they seem perfectly logical to me. I dont want to back off, stalk him or pressure him in any way. I have told him what I need.....one night from 8.30pm on, 2 sleepovers a week and one Sunday a month outing with my kids too would be my ideal. But I also said that if his plans were only once a fortnight or less get togethers I'd have to start dating as I wouldnt see it as a proper relationship. That seemed fair to me.... How long do I give this to pan out? How do I stop wanting sex/intimacy? The hand only goes so far...lol. We've done this scenario, 4 times over the past 2 years and I keep ending up backing away/dumping him when he fails to contact me for 7-10 days. I dont want to do it again. I think I've landed myself in a Catch22 position....damned if I do ANYTHING and its not a pleasant feeling. Perhaps its a power thing...or Karma but I'm stuffed if he's going to push me away again. What do I do about needing to play in the meantime...or how long do I keep my legs crossed? On a separate note...what are your views on Buddhism? And please answer the two separately as they are totally different subjects...lol. Love the essence of you Ken and the work you do...xx Non Attached but Extremely Horny Fleamale

Dear Free & Horny, You don't stop wanting sex and intimacy, you quit wasting your time with someone who can't supply said goods and find a proper man who can. Ken!

Dear Ken!, It seems like every time I decide I "like" a guy or I'm going to "go after" a guy I usually end up making an ass of myself and feeling, well, embarassed. I was able to snag my last boyfriend that way, but other than him it has only led to heartache. However, if I sit back and waited for guys to come to me, (a strategy which I have tried, unsuccessfully, at various times), I will probably be alone forever. Not to sound all high school about these matters...pitifully enough I am in my mid-twenties, but I still have these problems with "men" (scared little boys.) I have a bit of an aggressive, possibly intense personality, and perhaps that puts some of these guys off. My mom says that guys probably find me intimidating or even frightening. Well, am I supposed to pretend to be all meek and passive and sweet to snare the poor little creatures, and then later unlease the full force of all that is me? What's a girl to do, Ken!? getting desperate/frustrated in Chico, CA

Dear getting desperate/frustrated, Fuck that meek and passive shit. You wouldn't be happy with a man who objected to one of your core qualities so why sweat scaring these man-children away? Admittedly you're likely unique in your demeanor but that doesn't mean you're destined to finger your "c" key in some permanent solo act. Be yourself in all your glory and you're bound to find someone who will appreciate you for how you are. Ken!

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