October 21, 2002 Dating A Fetus & A Balance Of Sweet And Smut

Dear Ken!, I can completely relate to "getting desperate/frustrated in Chico, CA". I am in my late 30's and still have problems "scaring" men off. The last man that I was very interested in is a very nice, good looking, down-to-earth welder. We talked, flirted, etc for months and yet I coudldn't get him to ask me out or even say "yes" when I asked him out. He just kept flirting and running. Finally I gave up. After a few times of seeing him and just being 'friendly' he went and asked my best friend why I wasn't flirting with him. She asked him why he didn't ask me out or say yes when I asked him out... he said that I 'scared' him. I have been getting that kind of BS since I was in high school. I'm an intelligent woman, with entirely too many useless degrees (Anthroplogy, archaeology, museum studies, etc.) who finally realized that my dad was right when he said to me "that's a lovely hobby dear, but how are you going to support yourself?". I support myself quite well in a senior administrative position and work hard and have fun. For some reason though, men think that because I'm 'smart' and educated, that I couldn't possibly want to go out with them because they don't have a college degree, or because they are 'blue-collar'. What do I have to do - whack them over the head with something and drag them off to my apartment? How do I get it across to this man that I like (and any others that might come along) that I'm not looking for a 'smart' man - If I was, I would have stayed in academia. I'm looking for a good man with common sense.. a hard-working, interesting, nice, loving, football watching, couch-snuggling man. So, while your advice to 'just be yourself' is always a good place to start and no one should be something they aren't - it isn't that simple. Maybe you can ask some of the men out there in the world - what do you want from us (besides blonde hair and boobs). Tell them not to be so 'scared' of educated women - just because I can read hieroglyphs doesn't mean I can't (and don't) appreciate a lazy Sunday afternoon on the couch watching football, BBQing on the back porch, or cooking my honey his favorite meal. Over-Educated, Under-employed and single

Dear Over-Educated, Under-employed and single, You're a far better spokeswoman for this cause than I could ever be. What kind of football watching, back porch BBQing guy is going to listen to another guy about what women want? They're more likely to listen to you. And if they don't listen I say whack them over the head. Maybe it's the only thing that will get their attention. Ken!

Dear Ken!, Do you consider anal sex losing your virginity? What about oral? I've been debating this with my friends for a while now and I'm looking for a definitive answer from a expert sourse (i.e. you). Curious

Dear Curious, The husband of a friend recently worked for a Christian youth ministry that was big on having the kids pledge to be abstinent until marriage. However, the wife discovered that many of the kids wouldn't think twice about sucking a little dick or licking some pussy. Somehow they got the idea that oral wasn't sex. I suppose if the President doesn't consider it sex, a fourteen year old needn't do so either. But I'm not the President. I don't care what the definition of "is" is but I do care about the definition of virginity. After consulting several dictionaries and a fistful of web sites about virgins I've concluded that virginity is about innocence and inexperience not hymen. By its very nature anal sex is not something that's performed by the innocent. For that matter neither is oral or vaginal sex. Where the line, if there need be one, is drawn before that should be left up to the individual to decide. A whole lot can be learned-- and a great deal of innocence can be lost-- with a couple sets of groping hands. Ken!

Dear Ken!, i am 15 and fancy a 12 year old i know this girl likes me but i am afraid that if i ask her out my friends will laugh at me. what should i do? AP

Dear AP, At first I was going to encourage you to tell your friends to fuck off if they laughed but upon reading your question again I've changed my mind. If you're so insecure that you still fear the mockery of your friends then perhaps you're not ready for the more intense emotional risks of dating. Besides, don't you think twelve is a little young for you? Sure, three years won't matter when you're thirty but at your age you might as well be taking a fetus to the movies. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I am a forty-two year old women...I was married at 16,and have had bad and good relationships...very honest and open. What does that mean? I enjoy looking at sexualy orientated material and have great fantizies with myself and the few boyfriends I have had. Let me say the first marriage lasted 5 years,the second 13 years. I am a waitress and have a good understanding of the male excitement zone...if that makes sense. but now my latest male friend was into porn heavy before we met and I accepted this just fine. As a matter of fact it was more than fine because,I chose to not have sex for about two years after a friend and I had a fling that he thought was love..for me it was just sex...he was about 15 years younger than me and I felt safe enjoying our sex...it hurt me to see him cry...and I vowed that no sex was ever going to emotionally hurt another person again...at least from me. My current friend is 53 years old and very horney only if we have alot of fantasy. My problem now after 8 mo. is that I need a balance of what I call dirty sex and passionate sex...which he doesn't seem to be able to hold an erection unless we are fantisizing about someone else...this is now becoming boring and I crave him to just have sex for the momment with me...I am afraid it has all ready caused me to lose alot of interest in his sex and I also am having trouble mastubating...I have no passionate feelings to fall back on...it is only the fantizing that I am accostume to with him because he can't seem to hold an erection when we are not having dirty sex...this even caused me to bring in a couple that where swinger freinds of mine...but it still didn't do for me what I need...passionate spur of the momment sex... do you think it's time to honestly tell my friend that I am going to search for a more pleasing relationship for myself with the balance that I need or is there a way to bring a hard core porno man back to reality. I know at 53 men are going through a big emotionly and hormonal change, but with out real desires are they shorting themselves of some deeper feelings? Ones that may last when things become tough. I am confused and need something....I just don't know how to get it...and I do enjoy this mans company...such as football games and kayaking etc..but even here this friend needs to fantisize. VW

Dear VW, Dirty, dirty sex has a place in any relationship-- unless you're a priest I suppose-- but when it's nothing but dirty, dirty sex it begins to lose its novelty. And if it's something he needs just to keep it hard its become a fetish, a sexual compulsion. It's clear in my mind that your friend has some issues and could likely use some help working them out. Don't get me wrong. I like dirty, dirty sex as much as anyone, but as you say a balance of sweet and smut is what keeps it fun and interesting. Too much of a good thing is too much. If you deem him worthy of assisting towards a healthier relationship-- if he even wants such a thing-- then help him out. Otherwise move on before it gets really weird. Ken!

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