October 27, 2003 C'mon people, put all those drugs you're doing to good use!

Dear Ken!, I'm supposed to be getting married probably in a year or so (maybe more, maybe less). I thought about addressing my question to Brides Magazine, but I didn't think they'd answer and their advice probably wouldn't be as good as yours. My fiancé's family lives on the East Coast, and my entire family lives here on the West Coast. The dilemma suddenly occurred to us: where are we going to have the actual wedding? I thought about just saying "fuck the family. we don't have to invite them. the important part is the honeymoon anyway," but then I remembered weddings with numerous guests are convenient because of wedding gifts. So what should we do, Ken!? And while I'm asking you this, do you have any suggestions for a honeymoon? I like cities and urban areas with a lot of shopping opportunities. He's a little more frugal, and he likes relaxing destinations (islands, cabins in the mountains, etc.) Are there any places that might be a nice compromise between the two? Help me, Ken!!! Bride-to-be

Dear Bride-to-be, Oh, no my friend, weddings aren't about gifts or life-long commitments or any of that crap. A wedding is the best opportunity to throw the greatest party of your life. I've been to enough weddings now to know that the most tedious are those governed by tradition. Sure, keep enough to the regular stuff in the wedding to keep the old people awake and the young kids from punching each other but when it comes to the reception, throw yourself a party of a lifetime. Maybe you could just have two big parties and get married elsewhere or get married in both states. Sell crack and guns to school kids and use the profits to fly one set of guests to the other coast. Create a giant electromagnetic device that generates a rift in the time-space continuum and get married on both coasts at once. The possibilities are endless, really. Ken!

Dear Ken!, While revisiting your webpage for entertainment purposes, I was struck by something I read. One of your other readers made reference to the "anus of impossibility." I was wondering if you, or anyone else, has come across other body part references while discussing various issues. Perhaps, there could be the SPLEEN of contempt...or the ELBOWS of foolishness....the TESTICLES of anxiety....or the RECTUM of inevitability. Please Advise Perplexed in Pottsville, PA

Dear Perplexed, Entertainment purposes. Ya, right. I get it. Just like that imminent Iraqi threat or those weapons of mass destruction. Entertainment purposes. That's what they all tell me. Except for that one time with the barrel-chested blonde dude- he was all about business. Are you familiar with the stark fist of removal and the fickle finger of fate? I'm sure you are. I mean, who isn't? My Gray's Anatomy that was illustrated by Salvadore Dali also describes the nose for business, the heavy hand of authority, the two left feet of clumsiness, the green thumb of withering and, of course, the evil eye. T'is the season, you know. Ken!

Dear Ken!, wtf randall

Dear Randall, wtf? WTF?!? I'll tell you what the fuck, Randall: Today I've had to piss like I was some kind of misguided terrorist determined to deny the free world its God-given right to its water supply by drinking it all myself. I'll say WTF! Ken!

Dear Ken!, You wondered what to call what you see when a female wearing low-cut pants with thong bends over. I'd call it unsightly and unaware. You'd probably call it a sight for sore guys. Troo Fan

Dear Troo Fan, I'll be the first to admit that such a sight is certainly not the grandest pinnacle of human evolution but given a world of Temptation Island, preemptive strikes, zero tolerance policies and a failing health care system, a thong-clad female ass hanging out of a pair of pants isn't so bad, especially around teatime. It clears the palette. But we still have no catchy word or phrase describe this phenomenon. C'mon people, put all those drugs you're doing to good use! Ken!

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