November 10, 2003 Ken!'s Tips For Awkward Introductions

Hey Ken, Looking for a little relationship advice or outside opinion on something. I am a 42 year old single male, I have been divorced for about 6 years now. Decent guy ,decent job, stable, secure, but having a problem dating. About two years ago I bought a house and my mother moved in. She was living with a family member that had cleaned her out of money and generally treated her bad so I moved her in. She has no other options. Health not bad enough for the old folks home. I did not move her in because of a momma boy mentality, did it because she needed help. Now the problem is that when I mention this to a woman the first thing they think is loser or momma boy. Any opinion on how to get around this or opinion on the whole situation? BigDawg

Dear BigDawg, You clearly haven't been following politics lately, my friend, because this whole Iraqi war travesty has been about spinning the story in to the benefit of the storyteller. Oh sure, you could be the nerdy, mama's boy, Alex Trebek sort and tell them that you live with your mother. But you could also tell them that you're taking care of your mother in the responsible, manly fashion. Play it off like that and if it's the truth you'll be in like Flynn. Ken!

Dear Ken!, thanks for having a site that can help people. im 17 and i like a guy a lot! well this guy i like might like me too, but we dont really talk to eachother. i want to be his girlfriend so bad, he is so great. but i cant exactly ask him out since i dont talk to him much. my friend told him i wanted to ask him to homecoming and he said he had a date but seemed excited to know i wanted to ask him, my friend told me that he likes me(but she dint ask him if he did, she just thinks he does). and also he sits next to me at church, so i kind of think he is ok with the idea of me liking him. i mean if he didnt like me he wouldnt sit next to me right? well we talked a few times in the past but everytime i get near him i dont know what to say, i dont want to say something stupid or anything like that. what should i say to kind of get the ball rolling. he is so cute and so sweet, i dont want to lose any chance that i may have with him, i have had crushes before, but nothing like this one. i think that if we got together it would be so great. he is really into god and everything that is great inlife. i started going to church again and so we have a comon intrest i guess, but is that enough? i want to get to know him better but what should i say to him? thank you ken. very much in need of help... S.K.

Dear S.K., Every now and then when I look back through the smoky haze into my past I find myself wondering why I missed so many romantic- or even downright sexual- opportunities. It's something only the thick and crusty varnish of experience answers: because I was scared shitless. I would bet dollars to doughnuts that this boy is as scared of making a fool of himself as you are. Just try to relax, smile and bring up some topic you two have in common. Try your church. I know some great pickup lines for church. Ken!

Dear Ken!, My life is pretty monotonous and boring. I am 23 m..i work every day in my family business. And then go off to my gym (not my kind of people). My problem is that I am lonely .I cannot seem to meet any people. My social life just sucks. I live in a big city and i know not more than a couple of people, and when I do meet people they are not my kind and cannot seem to have a rapport with anyone.. I am also more interested in meeting girls, as I really like their company but cannot just meet anyone. Where can I meet them? In my whole lifetime I must have just 2 "girl"friends! And a couple of guy friends. I knew that if I had a few close friends to hang out with and talk. And more girl friends i would be much more happier. As now I am totally lonely and depressed. And I feel sad when i see other people having such a good social life. I hope you could help me out.I do have family and they are nice..but i would like to spend time elsewhere also. Thanks, LOST

Dear LOST, How to meet women-- ancient and elusive wisdom sought by countless men before you. It is so elusive, in fact, that it is not in my possession. The best I can provide is Ask Ken!'s Tips For Awkward Introductions: Don't strike up conversations by relating tales of the gang rapes you suffered while in prison. And don't brag about the guy you shived in the name of revenge. Spend time in locations frequented by women. These locations include (but are not limited to) office buildings, shopping malls, grocery stores, women's prison, or a dressing room at the Victoria's Secret. Get a little drunk but not so drunk that you risk puking on her. Unless she's really kinky she's not likely to dig that action. Don't advertise yourself as Hans Solo looking for his Chewbacca. Keep your penis in your pants until after your learn her name. Kill a man in Reno, just to see him die. (Ooops. Sorry, that's from my to-do list.) Find or rent friends who know single women. Go to parties (but avoid parties with punch and pie). Watch the billions of interior décor shows until you know what burnt umber is. It won't help you find one but it'll make a great topic of conversation. Move "groom" and "bathe" above "consume entire bag of Doritos in one sitting" on your list of important things to do every day. Join a club with a lot of female members-- like the Girl Scouts. Best of luck my friend, Ken!

Dear Ken!, I want to have sex with my husbands friend, and he wants me too, but wont because he will betray their friendship. Is it wrong to want him? Jen

Dear Jen, It's not wrong to want your husband's best friend but it is wrong to act on that desire. I'm all for hot, sweaty-- even forbidden-- sex but once a person cheats there's no way to fully repair the damage caused by such a breach of trust. That's a life altering-decision right there. Good luck, Ken!

Ken, In your response to the girl who asked about masturbation, you left out my personal favorite, the shower massage. And don't waste your money on a cheap one--go for the name brand with a steady powerful flow. So what if I take extra long showers?

Dear So what if I take extra long showers?, Ah yes, the shower massage. Overlooking that perennial favorite pretty much proves that I lack the clitoris necessary to truly appreciate it. Thanks for the fine masturbatory tip. Ken!

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