November 11, 2002 Man Licking Sharks & Hollywood Logic

Dear Readers, You'd think that putting together a secret underground lair would be easy, I mean with it being secret and all, but this moving stuff sucks ass. If it wasn't the moat builders it was the head of guards demanding my time. I'm a small-time villain. My guards aren't getting laser weapons! And what's with the scarcity of man-eating sharks? Ever since that summer a couple years ago they've been nothing but a bunch of pussies. I found two that were willing to lick a stranger if he fell into my moat. What kind of deterrent is that? And do you think I could find someone else to assemble my death ray properly? The nerds are too busy jacking off to Japanese cartoon tentacle porn to want to work on some second-rate villain's death ray. To top it off the fucking telephone company still hasn't installed my phone lines. They claim my neighborhood has run out of circuits. This is the twenty-fucking-first century people! It's easier to get a cell phone than it is to get an analog phone line from the phone company. Then there's the election. All I can say is that I aspire to be as evil as George W. Bush. And if I can't be as evil, can I be as witless? Then at least I wouldn't know any diff'rnt. Ken!

Hi Ken, I've been dating this guy for two years and I'm happy with most everything about him other than the way he hits on me. He won't ever be aggressive with me or just act sexy in a "serious" way. It's always been this way. It's not a recent thing because the novelty wore off or something like that. In other words, he always kind of jokingly and nervously says " you're cute" or something real mild. Nothing with much punch I guess. I want more Umph- more passion. I know he loves me, he says he wants only me. We we're having sex it's good though. It's just getting there that's frustrating. He also says he has a hard time being sexually aggressive. He's not very open to trying new things. I thought things would change but they haven't. I think I hurt his feelings when I say "you can be more aggressive"-- It feels wierd. Any suggestions? Thanks! Chrysteen

Dear Chrysteen, Like my pappy used to say after a long day of buckin' hay, "There's nothing better to bring out the sexual aggression of a young man than coming home at the end of the day to find his naked wife bound, blindfolded, wet and waiting." Good ol' pappy. He was all full of smarts. Judging from your description of your lover it sounds like he suffers from low self-esteem. He may lack the confidence to risk initiating anything steamy. He may fear rejection too much to compliment you in a serious and sexy manner. You need to figure out if this is something serious and deep-seated or a matter easily cured by some light bondage and domination action. Sometimes that just good for what ails ya! Ken!

Ken I am married to a man for two 1/2 yrs now with a son. We have been together for ten yrs. I am 26. We got engaged and then I found out I was pregnant. My parents basically made us rush up the wedding. Then we bought a house. It pretty much sucked big time. Now the last year or maybe more we have had problems. We have tried to seek help but didn't work. About a yr ago I started talking to a friend from an old job that I had always been attracted to and felt it in return. Well, now we are involved intimately and things are still bad at home. My husband saw an email from this "friend" and then found out I was talking to him. Of course I played it off as if we just talk every once in a while. He doesn't really trust me anymore but wants to work things out at all costs. I told him that I will no longer even talk to the other guy. We are both unhappy and the only thing making me stay is my son. I think I love this other guy. He treats me so good and swears that he always would. What ever I want he will do even if it's just talking every once in a while or once a yr. He said whatever it is he will take. I am not sure if I am just holding on to a fantasy. He also has been married for about 1yr 1/2. We both admitted to wanting each other way back but we were in relationships with our spouses and then we went our seperate ways. I got another job. I am confused. I know I feel things are so great with this new guy and he makes me very happy. I only think about him and he says the same. We have not said the words to each other (i love you) but I have told him that I need him. I am so confused. I think that maybe my marrage isn't working because I am not focusing on it I am focusing on how I feel for the other man. I feel so happy when I think about him ect. I do try to talk things out with my husband regarding our relationship but he says he is sick of having the same conversation and thinks if we make a list of things to do right our marrage will work. What gives. IS marrage supposed to be "work"? Will all relationships that start off great continue to be or will they be work too? How do I know if what I am feeling is love? What a mess. I never thought I would be in this situation. But what I tend to do is sit back and let the situations happen and sometimes I don't like the outcome so I want to take control and figure out what I want. It is soooo hard for me to figure out what I want I don't know why and don't know how to help myself. Sorry for the book. mrpotatoheadcase

Dear mrpotatoheadcase, I've been considering the nature of marriage now for a while and I'm pleased you raised the matter. Of course relationships are work. Consider what you get with no effort: a refrigerator magnet for "Tony's Plumbing" that came in an envelope addressed to "occupant", a cold, $2 off a medium Little Papa Domino's pizza, evicted, some ass interrupting your microwave dinner by calling you up and trying to sell you something you don't want or need. Speaking of "want" and "need" I think it's helpful for people in relationships to answer this question: "Is my partner someone I want or need? Both? Neither?" Even the "easy" relationships-- you know, the kind you just kinda slip right into all natural-like-- take effort in the long run. But it's a labor of love. Or should be. I can't help but shake the feeling that you might be depressed. Look into that possibility. And if nothing else get some regular exercise-- even if it's walking-- and keep regular hours. No staying up until three every morning. Kick all that around for a while, Ken!

Dear Ken!, I'm a good-looking 25-year-old brunette. I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I share a house with 2 girls and he cheated on me with one of my housemates. This hurt me deeply. I can't deny my emotions. She betrayed my trust and she was more than just my housemate but also a close friend. She's been obsessed for years now with this guy who works with me but he isn't interested in her at all and has told her this on various occasions. Because of this they had grown to become friends over the years - best friends to be exact. They do have a little problem in their friendship seen as she continuously tries to get him drunk so that he might have sex with her. On the odd occasion she's been successful. But he still remains uninterested in her. Then after the boyfriend and I broke up, the guy I work with (housemate's obsession) and I went out for drinks and well...it didn't stay there. He told me how much he liked me and that he could never act on it because of his best friend/my housemate. And now things have officially gone pear-shaped. He's desk is right next to mine at work and I lust him but can't be with him because of my obsessive housemate who, even after she messed around with my boyfriend, I still feel loyal to. I feel I'm going dilly!! At work I look at him and when I go home I have to face her. To make matters worse he feels so guilty about him and me that he feels he has to lie to her and me. So he might suggest drinks with me just to cancel with me later and then when she comes home she tells me that the two of them went out for drinks!!! She doesn't know about the two of us. But now I find myself strangely jealous -asking her what they did and if they slept together and because she doesn't know she tells me everything (as a girlfriend would). The only up side is that he isn't sleeping with her...still. And I? I'm not getting any either and I feel I'm going mad. Homeless JHB

Dear Homeless JHB, This is one of these situations in which you're dammed if you do and you're dammed if you do. Fortunately this catch-22 sets the stage for what I call the Animal House plan. Your situation "absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part". And you're the woman to do it. Regardless of what you do something's going to go afoul. You might as well do something so completely unpredictable that you leave everyone speechless. How can anyone argue with that kind of Hollywood logic? How can they? Ken!

Ask Ken! Home Page