November 17, 2003 Ken!'s List of Boyfriend Gift Hints

Dear Readers, Every year around this time I get slammed by emails from women wanting to know what they should get their boyfriends for the holidays. This year I though I'd nip this mo-fo in the bud and pony up a list before you all fill my box with your urgent demands. Grab a change of underwear because it's... Ken!'s List of Boyfriend Gift Hints If you don't know what kind of music he likes-- or doesn't like-- you don't even know this guy well enough to buy him a gift. Get to know him better before you start dropping coin on some man. If it's something you enjoy too, a video game can lead to long hours together-- albeit staring vacantly at the teevee. Similarly, movies are often a good way to bond with a person. Sitting together in the dark has often led to many things. Books can bring a man closer to the subject of your choice, whether it be sports, smut or something in between. Don't forget that boy like toys. Oral sex-- as I often say-- is a gift that keeps on giving. If he's that kind of boy and you're that kind of girl, there's nothing better than a bare-ass spanking to get those cheeks red for the holidays. Weekend getaways are nice if you have the means. Candy. Buy him his weight in Hot Tamales. Happy holidays consumerbots! Ken!

Dear Ken!, My boyfriend and I recently attended a wedding that ended very badly. On our way out of the wedding, we lingered in the common hall area at the large banquet facility where a group of guys had congregated to chat for a bit. Moments later there was a knock-down brawl inside the banquet room, and bloodied men started pouring out into the hallway/entryway. I went to the car, and my boyfriend and his friend went to check on the groom and best man before we left. After we left, he described the scene inside the banquet room to me and how upset some of the people were, all of the children had been crying, etc. He feels that the bride and groom should apologize to all the guests - perhaps with a note included in the thank you. I said that, as unnerved by the whole thing as I was, I felt incredibly sorry for both the bride and groom. After all, that is probably going to be the first thing to come to their mind when they think of their wedding. I don't feel it was their fault, and they shouldn't have to go through the humiliation of apologizing - after all, some guests had already left and may never find out about it. Would it be proper to apologize to the wedding guests? Forgiving in Michigan

Dear Forgiving in Michigan's boyfriend, Dude, you've obviously never been married. I've been married six times and all but one of those weddings contained in some kind of high drama (and the one that didn't was because it was held in prison). Weddings are rife with drama and buffoonery. That's why people go in the first place. Weddings are parties and shit like this happens at parties. The hosts never hope for brawls or betrayals or bee stings, but it happens and it's completely out of their control. The brawling buffoons should apologize. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I got a shitzu that is almost 2 1/2 years old. He itches his left ear a lot and i was wondering what the symptoms of mites it. Inside of that ear is all nasty and grainny feeling. Can you help me? KT

Dear KT, Yes, I can help. Follow these simple instructions to cure your pet: 1. Locate the yellow pages of your local telephone directory. It may be near the telephone. One can be found at the local public library. Or borrow one from a friend. 2. Open the book to the section labeled "v- veterinarian". 3. Look through the listing to locate a vet near you. Or pick one with the most appealing ad. Or pick the one with the largest ad. Or close your eyes and pick one. 4. Dial the phone number and ask the person who answers for an appointment. If the business is closed, leave a message with your name and phone number, then call back later. If phones aren't part of the picture, leash your dog and take it to the address of the vet you just picked. 5. When you get there, tell the vet what you just told me. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I am a really horny little girl and I dont have a boyfriend so i decide to satisfy myself if you know what I mean. I watch porn and I use vibrators, dolls, dildos everything, but on some of those tapes I see the men licking the girls clit and it looks so good and I was wondering if I could maybe do it myself? Pleaz help me Horny

Dear Horny, Try all you want. In America we have the freedom to try to lick our own clitoris if we choose to do so. Exercise that freedom, I say. After all, that's what the post-9/11 United States is all about. That's what they keep telling us, at least. (The freedom, I mean, not the clit-licking although if I were to wager, I'd say the U.S. would be more popular in the court of world opinion if it pursued an aggressive and liberal policy of clit-licking rather than the c-average foreign policies of the Bush administration.) Having done extensive research (for this column, of course) on the possibilities of men performing such feats I can say such self-stimulation is possible but requires a tremendous degree of flexibility. Usually it's much easier to find someone else to lick your clit for you. There's plenty of them out there. You just gotta ask. Ken!

Dear Ken, Im a junior in highschool and this year is not the best year for me. I live in a small town and everyone seems to know everyone and everything about eachother. I'm going through alot this year. My best friend Jane, is a great girl and all but she has delt with alot too. She gets her strength from me and has low self esteem and low confidence. This has been going on with her ever since I met her in elemenatay. She was once aneoxria, but now Is doing fine. She always is concerened with her weight. It seems like whenever I am around her Im afriad of her judging me. I think to myself, like does she think I am fat, she eats alot of food and candy. Does she think my legs are fat and my bottom? I weigh 120 pounds now, and I am 5'5. I have never been concerned with my weight. Noone would assume that I throw up. I dont know if I consider myself bumilimc, or if its a stage I am going threw. Recently, since the summer, I was throwing up, I told myslef I need to stop and think how I am hurting my body. I stopped for some while. But in September I threw up some, and now I am barfing like three times a week or even more. I really don't know what to do? Im scared and have read alot about being Bulimic and what the outcome is of the disease. Noone knows that I throw up. Some people are bulimic in my grade, and my friend and I always talk about them. In the back of my head, Im like talking about myself. I have felt really depressed lately and think how my life is messed up. I am going to see a thearpist soon, which I hope will help me. The thing that I am concerend about is WHY I VOMIT? I sometimes think to myself, I am fat. I look at the guys in my grade and they are very slender and weigh less then me, well some guys. Many of the girls weigh less then me. Half of my friends weigh less then me, but a few are over weight. I have lost many friends this year, becuase It's my fault, I just have been slipping away from them, and don't care to see them anymore, its prety sad actaully. I will share this with you, I do not vomit at school, because my school is very small, but when I get home from school, I eat a snack, and think thats alot and barf it up, and tonight, I went out to dinner with my dad and barfed that meal up too. Thats twice in one day. Im really scared and just don't know what to do? I can't tell my mom becuase she would be devestated and wouldnt understand why I vomit. I want to look good in a bathysuit, and want to feel pretty and have a nice stomach and legs!!! But by wishing these things, I vomit. I am very athletic, and run once inawhile, but that just dosent seem to work. Please give me some strong advice, I really need it! Thank you for your time, sorry if it was long. Sincerely, ET

Dear ET, I don't want to go all Dear Abby on you or anything but girl, you've gotta get yourself into therapy for this. It's a good sign that you're alarmed about making yourself spew after you eat. You understand it is a problem. The therapist will help you understand how you have connected food to your self image and will help you to find better, more effective means to improving your looks. Let's face it, it's not so sexy to take your date out for a nice meal and some hot groping if she chucks up the Fettuccini Alfredo With Prawns as soon as he gets you back to his place. Work with your therapist and know that you've really got to want to change to save yourself. Ken!

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