November 25, 2002 Give Me The World Fucking Peace, Motherfuckers!

Dear Readers, You probably don't care but stick with me. I've been spending huge amounts of time tying up all the little details in my secret underground lair. If you've ever built or remodeled you know what I mean: installing knobs, cleaning, painting, cleaning, pulling network wiring, cleaning, wiring phone/network jacks. Did I mention cleaning? All these tiny details require some kind of concentration and attention to detail. And while I've been doing all these small, focused tasks I've grown to again appreciate the tiny details of life: the sound of rain on the roof at night, the way the fog hangs in the air, the sound of a cat drinking from the toilet in the middle of the night. Often over the years I have had to pull myself from this hamster-on-a-treadmill mentality so I can stop and really hear the cat drinking. Now it's my mantra: Hear the cat drinking. Ken!

Dear Ken!, What makes summer so magical? Everytime I've ever met a girl during summer and tried to continue the relationship into the next season, it's just never the same. As a guy in an all-male school, summer's the only chance I have to meet women & despite feeling so alive when I'm with a girl during that magical time of the year, it all just seems to die when we go back to our normal lives. What's the deal bro Nostalgia

Dear Nostalgia, As someone who has been down Summer Street, turned on Girlfriend then circled back around to the Heartbreak Hotel a couple times himself I know of what you speak and I know the answer to your question. But I'm reluctant to tell you for fear it will drain some of the magic from your summers. Summers are very magical and I wholeheartedly encourage any activity that stokes that magic. Okay. I tell you what. I'll tell you but you first have to promise to use this knowledge as motivation to enjoy what you have when you have it rather than harshing your summer magic. Good? Okay. Summers are magical because they're a departure from the regimented and admittedly mono-sexual environment of your boy's school. During the summers you have little or nothing to do (enjoy it while you can, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN!!!!) and far more exposure to the fairer sex. Remove winter clothes, add a dash of summer magic and mmmm... yeah... oh, uh huh. You get the idea. Ahh, summer. It's great and it all works until you two are ripped from your fantasy world and crammed back into the straightjacket that is everyday life. Run Nostalgia, run while you can! Ken!

Dear Ken!, I recently started dating a morman man. I am a catholic and I know nothing of his religion. All I know is what I have heard from others. After a bad and uncomfortable semi-"sexual" experience, I need to know more! Do they simply not believe in sex before marriage? What about masterbation? What is it that they believe in social situations and more importantly, sexual situations?! Needing some Boot-tay

Dear Needing some Boot-tay, A great many pairs of items in the universe are diametrically opposed: light and dark, summer and winter, Coke and Pepsi. These pairs are, by their nature, opposites of each other; incapable of coexisting. Add another to the list of known opposites: "Mormon" and "boot-tay" Ken!

Hello Ken, I need your help and maybe you know some stuffs. I have been doing some researches on penis enlargement for 7 months. There are so many web sites on the internets and i know some of stuffs are dangerous not to mess with and some stuffs are safe to do. I read alot about them. There are only two things to check out. Like Viagra pills only to get your penis hard but it will not get your penis bigger. So there are pills that work. The second one is how to excercise your penis to get bigger in length and width. Tell me which one i should do first ? Take the Penis enlargement pills or how to excercise your penis ?? Now i need to know which companies are honest. I dont need middlemans to rip me off. I need straight facts. There are too many lies and i dont know what to believe.IF you know one site that does all the testings on penis enlargement, Let me know. Something like Cosumer Report. Thank you and i will be waiting for your response. From Richard P.S.--- To let you know that im 34 years old.

Dear Richard, Do you at all remember when Viagra rose into the media spotlight? Every news source erupted with spurts of coverage about the little blue pill. It was a veritable orgy of news reports. You would need to have been living in a freekin' cave not to have heard about Viagra. And that's a medicine only for a minority of men with erectile difficulties. Imagine the news media clusterfuck over a medicine/device/procedure that enlarged penises. It would make the Viagra coverage seem like a story about a city council meeting in Podunkville, Ind. It would make the September 11th attacks seem like they took place during a time when most every penis in America was smaller. What I'm saying is that if some genuine medicine/device/procedure existed which actually enlarged penises permanently every male on this planet (except for those lucky fucks way up the Amazon) would already know about it. Ken!

DEAR KEN, PLEASE HELP ME. I'M 42 YRS OLD, MARRIED 20 YRS. THIS LAST SEPT. AND I HAVE BEEN A FULL TIME MOM TO OUR TWO DAUTHERS WHO ARE IN BOTH IN HIGH SCHOOL. THE PROBLEM IS MY HUSBAND IS ADDICTED TO COCAINE AND WON'T GET ANY HELP. HE DOESN'T COME HOME, DOESN'T CALL OR RETURN OUR CALLS AND LEAVES US WITH VERY LITTLE MONEY. HE IS NOW NOT PAYING THE BILLS AND I HAVE NO MEANS IN WHICH TO DO EITHER. I'M TRYING TO GET A JOB THE FIRST OF DECEMBER AND I'M HAVING TO SHARE MY CAR WITH MY KIDS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE AND I'M SO SCARED. PLEASE HELP. WARDFAB

Dear WARDFAB, You must first determine your support network. Identifying family and friends who understand your situation and are able and willing to support you will help with the uncertainty and fear. Hopefully you have the sort of relationship with your daughters in which you all can rely on each other for support and ideas. Can someone else help you with the bills in the short term? Can your daughters get jobs to help pay the bills? Know that your husband won't stop until he decides to stop. You can't make him do anything except, perhaps, leave. And protect yourself. Not just physically but financially. Move what money you have to an account he doesn't have access to. Do that same with your girls. Make a realistic escape plan and execute it when the time is right. Good luck, Ken!

Dear Ken!, I just found out that my high school class is having its 10 year reunion. I can't believe it's been 10 YEARS since I was walking down those hallways with my biggest concern being who I was gonna take to homecoming. I had it so easy back then and I didn't even know it. My question to you is that, well, I haven't stepped foot inside my old high school since I graduated and for whatever reason I feel scared/apprehensive to go back to that part of my past and see those people who I used to pass everyday in the hall while going to class...yet at the same time I'm curious to see what's become of everyone. High School was probably the weirdest part of my life & the only one I that haven't yet to figure out at all. What do you think I should do Ken? Apprehensive

Dear Apprehensive, If your high school years are the sole remaining time that completely baffles you then by all means avoid it. We can't have people challenging themselves and growing and everything. Eventually they get smart enough to figure out that stuff we pump through the mind control box is complete trash. Then they turn away. Once they start thinking for themselves, they ask questions and we don't like questions, now do we, Pepe? I didn't think so. Ken!

Dear Ken!, Where can i find those little virtual pets, tamogochis? Considering I've been finding boogie-woogie Santas in stores now for two weeks and Thanksgiving is a couple days away that I'm going to have to surrender to the fact that we're stepping further into the seasonal heap of holiday consumerism. It seems everywhere I turn this year people are asking for my list. List of shit I've got to get done at work? At home? List of bills? Anxieties? A Christmas list? How's a list of good stuff to give (and get)? Well you'd better like it because that's what you're going to get and you're gonna like it! Ken!'s List of Stuff That's Good To Give (And Get): Monkey butler Love Jive-talking robot Week in Tahiti Sweet love White Stripes CD Head The Sims Sudsy bath for two One person pimp-smack (with immunity) Sweet lovin' Lithe Latino houseboy Hello Kitty Vibrator Good club sandwich Hot, hot monkey love Time machine and tickets to see Pink Floyd live in 1971 at Pompeii Sexy underthings Get your groove on Ancient erotic wisdom Powerbook G4 Ancient Chinese secret Fresh-squeezed orange juice World fucking peace, motherfuckers! Ken! (If you're reading this Dubya, and I'm sure you are, don't give us this "it's Saddam's decision whether an invasion will be launched" bullshit. That's doublespeak. It's your decision. Give me the world fucking peace, motherfuckers!) Ask Ken! Home Page