December 1, 2003 Revenge: The Tar Pit Of Emotions & The Woodchuck Simu-torium

Dear Readers, Normally by this time of year I feel dispirited and depressed, as if life had just beat the crap out of me then kicked me in the balls for good measure. This year, considering where the domestic and foreign policies of the Bush Administration has placed the United States, you'd think I'd be even lower than usual. But that's not the case. I attribute it to medication, healthy doses of Double Dash! and a whole lot of hot monkey love. Sure, they aren't standard trappings of a joyous holiday season but if I have to trade candy canes for leather chaps to be happy, so be it! Ho ho ho! Ken!

Dear Ken!, I am a single mother with two beautiful girls (ages 5 and 8). I was married for almost 11 years. I got divorced July, 2003 after being separated for over a year. I've been living with my parents since May, 2002. My parents are both retired, and live in a very large house. After separating from my now ex-husband, I began talking to an old high school sweetheart, Mike. Mike is also recently divorced (Sept 2003). We have spent over a year talking, getting reacquainted, having lunch together almost everyday, and falling in love with each other again; except, we know it's not the same as high school. We know that we are two different people, and that we are not perfect. However, we also know that we are right for each other. Mike was married for 13 years and has no children. We are both anxious to be together and possibly even have another child. To everyone's knowledge (my parents and the girls), we are just friends. We have not made our feelings for each other public since 1) all of my relatives and friends at church think people should take their time getting into new relationships and that you should take time to grieve your old relationships and 2)even though it looks like we may have planned to divorce and remarry each other, that is not what happened. We are both 38 years old. Definitely old enough to make our own decisions and live our lives the way we want. Old enough to know the difference between true love and fantasies; perfection and reality. We have lots in common and get along wonderfully. We want to get married summer of 2004, which would only make it a year since our divorces. We know that most people would say it's too soon and that we're rushing, but we want to be together, and feel like life is too short to wait. This is my problem: I have always felt uneasy going against my parents' wishes and worrying about what others think. I know that they will want me to take several years before getting remarried. Ideally, they will want me to have a place of my own. Plus, it has always been difficult for me to discuss my love life with my parents. Mike lives about 40 minutes from me so after we're together, the girls would be changing schools. Initially we thought about getting married January 2005, but that would be in the middle of the school year. When we looked at summer 2005, we didn't want to wait that long. Mike is coming over to my parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner (as my friend). Mike's parents will be coming over to my parents' house during the Christmas holidays (as my friend). We're thinking of going public and telling my parents that we're dating after the holidays and then announce our engagement perhaps in February. We're tired of keeping our true feelings a secret and just want them to be supportive and happy for us. The wedding will be simple, because we are going to take the girls on a cruise and get married with just the 4 of us. Here's where I need advice. How do I communicate to my parents that I love Mike, he loves me, he loves the girls, (they have seen how much the girls love him), we have been over our ex-spouses long before we separated, that we ARE considering the girls welfare, and that we want to get married this summer? I know it sounds like I'm 16 years old with no backbone, but I respect my parents. How do I tell them all of this without them thinking that I'm crazy? I'm sorry that this is so long. I just wanted to make sure you had enough information. I appreciate your time and advice. Sincere Thanks, Lanelle

Dear Lanelle, As unpopular as it may seem in a world of "imminent threat" and Dick Cheney's energy plan, I think it would be best if you were just straight up and honest with anyone who chooses to stick their nose in your business-- your parents included. You're a mother of two, forchristssake, and articulate at that. You're old enough to make your own decisions; be your own woman. It may not be your nature but pour your heart out. People will respond to that. Best wishes, Ken!

Hey Ken, I have a question that certainly needs answering. I was wondering how much wood could a wodchuck chuck, if in fact a woodchuck could chuck wood? And may I add, if a woodchuck could chuck wood, how far could the woodchuck chuck the wood? Craig Zimmerman Kennewick, WA

Dear Craig Zimmerman, Doesn't that just piss you off when you know you've done a piece of work because you vividly remember it-- all but the most crucial details, of course-- but you just can't find it even though it's on your own web site? Man, that gets my goat. That chaps my hide. It raises my ire and makes my blood boil. (Sidebar: can ire only be raised? Why do we not speak of lowering one's ire?) I know I've answered this question way back in the day when Silicon Valley was booming and the only thing in the Whitehouse we were concerned about was thong underwear and blowjobs but I'll be damned if I can find it. It went something like this: after exhaustive research at Ask Ken! Industries Unlimited, Ltd.'s Woodchuck Simu-torium it was determined that an average sized male woodchuck could chuck wood at an average rate of 2.3 cords per hour. What we didn't study was chucking distance. Fortunately we kept videotapes of our research subjects. Upon reviewing the archived tapes it was determined that it is impossible via this study to determine even an average estimated chucking difference because one of our interns taped over all the woodchuck tapes with Japanese bukkake videos. Nice job, Donnie, real nice! Now do you see what you've done? I've told you before, Donnie, this is why we can't have nice things. Ken!

Dear Ken!, When I was a child, I was serverly sexually abused by my eldest brother. He has gone on to abuse his own children and his wife has fortunately divorced him. I have not seen him for years as I have refused, having spent two years in Therapy as nighmares became frequent and violent. My way of handling this is to consider him dead. My other sisters were abused and my youngest brother, they never dealt with their issues and are now turning to me. I have told them I am not interested, as once again, because of the constant talk of him and memories being dragged up again, the nightmares started. When I told my mother, she beat me black and blue - because her little blue eyed boy would never do such a thing, and growing up I was told I was a slut and it was my fault, the impact this had, until I had realised it wasnt my fault through therapy, it too much and too painful to go into. My family are now treating me as though I am awful because I wont help them to deal with it, but they were never there for me. My sisters were awful when I was growing up and my youngest brother is now trying to tell me that my mother did not know, and my mother is blatantly lying by telling people that it was a one off even though I was severly abused for 4 years!!!! I hate her so much I can't begin to tell you. My father was a violent man who thrashed me regularly and even split my head open. Am I wrong to not want to have anything to do with my family? Mary from the UK

Dear Mary, You are not wrong to want to maintain a safe distance from your family although I fear your motivation is as much revenge as it is self-preservation. Revenge is the tar pit of emotions-- the more you wallow in it, the tighter its grasp. Beware revenge. You have clearly put forth a good deal of effort to get yourself to where you are today and families can so easily drag a person back into their world. (see "tar pit" above) If you have the strength, your sisters could use your guidance, otherwise stand strong for yourself. Ken!

Dear Ken!, what can i do to get my boyfriend ungrounded for talking back his mom wont let him come over to the house and he doesnt know how long his grounded for Allison

Dear Allison, your question seems to be pregnant it's missing its periods I doubt there's much you can do clearly the mother doesn't care for you so much in similar situations I mean when friends were in similar situations the typical m.o. was to lay low and let the heat blow over besides the extra days weeks away makes for some good make up time Ken!

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