December 3, 2002 Hoary Electrons, Stinky Cheese & Swimming In Tang

Dear Ken!, Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is it really necessary? Someone Somewhere

Dear Someone Somewhere, Are you kidding? Because it makes them look fucking cool, that's why. If you were going to die wouldn't you want to milk that look-at-me-I'm-so-fucking-cool-because-I'm-going-to-blindly-give-my-life-for-my-country angle? So of course you wear the aviator's jacket, the long white scarf and the leather hat with glass goggles. I may be dying tomorrow, man, but tonight I'm swimming in 'tang! Ken!

Dear Ken!, why does cheese smell? Steve

Dear Steve, Cheese doesn't smell, it stinks. Ken!

Dear Ken!, The 3 of us went to the casino last night, I drove, and I was the only one to lose money... I lost 120, and my two friends won 300 and 400 respectively. On the ride home, the bigger winner gave me 100 dollars, after telling him that I can't take it etc.... I ended up with it in the end. I feel really weird, he just gave me 100 bucks... Should I give it back? Eric

Dear Eric, No. Keep it. The guy gave you a hundred bucks because he was feeling good about his winnings. Being able to throw your money around is one of the joys of winning money when you gamble. Whores are another. It's just how that koo-koo crazy world works, baby! Ken!

Dear Ken!, I need help!!!!! Christmas is coming up and I dont know wat to get my boyfriend. We've been going out for almost 3 months. He's into skateboarding and biking all that type of stuff. He's basically an alternative guy. He's 15 and I dont know wat to get him at all. He wont tell me wat he wants for christmas. He says he wants me to surprise him, but the only problem is, I dont want the present to be cheesy or him not like it. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!! Desperate Girlfriend

Dear Desperate Girlfriend, Wow. You must be desperate if you used that many exclamation points. How desperate are you? What are you willing to do to surprise the boy? Every year I get this question and supply the same answer: oral pleasure and hot, hot monkey love. What dude is going to complain about getting that? And it's one of those gifts that makes you feel good giving it. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I have a huge dick and im still in high school. well how can i contain it so its not embarrassing in the locker room, especially during swimming? Mike

Dear Mike, Ah yes, the huge dick. The blessing and the curse. Let's first face a simple fact: when you're naked in the shower there's not much a guy can do to keep covered up. You can always carry a towel as much as you can. Besides, it's not likely that any guy is going to draw attention to your mixed blessing. If anything they'll mention it to the girls and that's cash money. Rather than get into the details myself I recommend you do a search using the word "tucking". It's a term transvestites use to refer to the act of hiding their man bits. It may be a bit extreme for your need but there might be some good ideas and some of the web pages make for some damn entertaining reading. Ken!

Dear Sara, What does it really mean when a guy tells you that I am not right for him when he breaks up with me? Yet, he was very loving and caring the whole time. What am I supposed to make out of this? Is this the easiest way to say that he is not attracted to me or he does not like me? What do you think when he asks to be his friend in the future? I told him definately not! If I am not right for him as a girlfriend, what makes him think I am right for him as a friend? I am really confused! Sara

Dear Sara, A lover of mine once confided that she had a gay male friend with whom she shared a mutual attraction. Despite their attraction to each other they both came to understand that any relationship beyond friendship simply wouldn't work so they remained friends. I've often reminded people here in these hoary electrons that relationships require more than attraction. Surely one can like a person but not so much they want to spend the rest of their lives with them. Ken!

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