December 8, 2003 This Column Is Not About Sex

Dear Ken!, I have to be honest. I can't believe so many people write to you, asking for genuine advice and honesty. Most likely, people write to you expecting some stupid answer, anyway. Considering your views on marriage and love in general appear to be negative, you also spread that negativity to others. Why don't you encourage others sometimes and tell them that marriage can be good and not all relationships are doomed to fail. I have a feeling that you are a very bitter person that enjoys sharing your bitterness and resentment. Marriage and relationships may have not worked out for you, but that does not mean everyone is destined to feel the same way. To break the news to you, there are some genuine guys out there that genuinely care about women, and really want a strong relationship. Unlike you, not everyone sits pathetically at their computer giving rather silly advice. Anyone

Dude. I don't know if you've been reading Mr. Cranky and you're thinking it's me or what but I generally have a solid record of standing up for positive, healthy relationships. Just in the last couple of months I've pointed a bulimic towards sources of help, strongly admonished a woman for wanting to cheat on her husband and suggested that lovers should exchange oral sex as gifts for the holidays. If that's negative, you should look into switching your drugs or something. Sure I fuck around but this column has always contained humorous if not unusual elements. There's five years of my blathering here for everyone and anyone to read so they might see what they're getting themselves into before they ask a question of me. For the record, I love women and strong relationships. Matter of fact I'm having a "strong relationship"-- if you know what I mean-- with a woman as I type this. Ken!

Dear Ken!, Do you personally feel that very attractive women or men get treated better, particularly by the opposite sex? I feel that women in particular are treated better by men, but must deal with a large amount of jealousy from other women, which is unfair. I also feel bad because really pretty women, such as my friend, have to deal with guys constantly looking at them and bothering them. Curious

Dear Curious, Dude, haven't you been watching Joe Average? When Melana disguised herself as a 200+ pound "friend" she learned how less attractive people are treated. If you'd watched Joe Average rather than doing something wasteful like exercising or conversing with family and/or friends you would know this. And if it's on teevee you've gotta know it's true. Like that one time, on Gilligan's Island where they almost got rescued but Gilligan screwed it up. Or that episode of Three's Company where one of them went to the Regal Beagal for drinks. Man, that's good stuff. Ken!

Dear Ken!, It's finals week, a sort of bi-annual anti-holiday in colleges around the nation. My problem has been a re-occuring one during finals for the last three years, but the heights achived this year make it even more bitter. It seems like sometimes around thanksgiving, any ability to plan ahead or manage or otherwise get shit done ends up like the turkey, so three weeks late i've been up for 40 hours and gotten nearly nothing done. The planning issues are my own damn problem, but I'd like to ask you how I can better deal with the bitterness of going from the top of classes to nearly the bottom in a matter of weeks, if not days. Also, do you have any good connections in the biological sciences? What is usually deer season for most people is kinda like internship season for college kids. Thanks, indy needs empathetic pablum tonight

Dear Indy, If I've learned anything from watching nothing but hardcore porn and marathons over the last month, it's that a person's gotta use drugs or pacing to stay in it for the long haul. Since you're in college I'll assume you've already got the drugs well covered, so that leaves pacing. Since you're aware of the fact that you reliably blow your academic load a couple weeks prematurely, factor that into your planning for the term. Rather than plunging your self deep into schoolwork and going at it hard from the get-go, take more time at the beginning to warm up slowly. Perhaps then you'll climax perfectly with the end of the term. Ken!

Dear Ken!, who are you? Hasa

Dear Ken!, Who are you? Who-who? Who-who? (cuz' I really wanna know!) Ken!

Dear Ken!, I noticed in the archive the riddle, If a hen-and-a-half can lay an egg-and-a-half in a day-and-a-half, how long would it take for a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickel?" I have been trying to figure this out for a couple of months now and was wondering what the answer is... Nick

Dear Nick, Last week I revealed the result of our "how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?" research conducted in our state of the art woodchuck environment Simu-torium. It's a good thing the woodchuck research project was completed before we attempted to determine the answer to the "monkey with a wooden leg" polemic. Quite simply, it was a disaster. I don't know if you've given much thought to monkeys with wooden legs but there aren't that many to begin with and all are owned by organ grinders or Michael Jackson. That meant we needed to create a monkey with a wooden leg. Hindsight being 20/20, you'd think it would have been clear to us from the get-go that those little scamps wouldn't take too lightly to us sawing their legs off. Matter of fact none of them would let us get within ten feet of them with the electric knife. Someone got the idea to sedate the monkeys but once we got the ether none of us were so interested in anything about dill pickles or monkeys for that matter. I wonder what ever happened to the monkeys. They escaped our lab while we were all drifting blissfully in ether-induced comas. Mmmmm... ether induced coma. Ken!

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