December 16, 2002 10% Off Your Cares This Holiday Season At Ask Ken!

Dear Ken!, How did the world become so diverse in its sexual cultures?? I mean, in Cuba you can take a girl out for an ice cream & fuck her that same night, while in France you have to spend huge bundles of cash on dinners and other meaningless activities over a solid time span before the girl will finally open her legs up to you. It's not fair man!! It's just nor fair! Jim-Bob

Dear Jim-Bob, As popular as I am with the ladies I cannot say I've sampled enough of the local sexual customs while traveling to really speak to your question with any authority. Therefore I will direct the Ask Ken! Industries Unlimited, Ltd. Department of Grant Writing & Undergarment Studies to commence at once work on obtaining government grant money for the sole purpose of researching this specific question. I'm certain it will take many years of hard research, very hard research. Ken!

Dear Ken!, Every time I seem to get on a good roll, something crappy happens to slow my pace, such as getting sick or my car breaking down. This sucks. What can I do to stay on a positive forward trajectory, Ken!? backslider

Dear backslider, I believe I've spoken of this before but years ago I heard an interview with the oldest living American at the time. When asked if she'd do anything different given the chance to do it all over again she said, "I'd do everything the same only I'd care ten percent less." That nugget of wisdom, my friend, has been my key to happiness. Sure, shit happens to you. So does good stuff. That's just how life is. Put the bad stuff behind you and focus on the good. Christ, I'm beginning to read like a fortune cookie. In bed. Ken!

Dear Ken!, how do you masterbate i dont know how to can you tell me ashley

Dear Ashley, What the heck? I figure if you're old enough to be on the internet and reading my site you deserve to know how to masturbate at least. It's really quite easy-- and it's a journey of self-discovery: touch yourself all over. Then touch yourself where it feels best. Repeatedly. Sure, I've been vague but you'll fill in the blanks in your own special ways. Ken!

Dear Ken, You replied to my letter in your 11th of November issue. I'm the Hollywood logic girl. I just thought that you might like some feedback after giving me brilliant advice. You were right - I was turning my own life into a soap opera and complicating it. So I totally stunned and surprised them all by anouncing to the world that I've become lesbian. (which isn't the truth but in real Hollywood style had to be done!!). I decided that there were more fish in the sea than just me plodding along in my little pond at work. And naturally if you let go of old things new things replace them in your life...and so it happend. I've met this amazing man who is drop dead gorgeous treats me like a princess and absolutely adores me...and only me. Much to the dismay of my housemate who would love some of the action I'm getting.... last night we made hot monkey love - best sex of my life. In a nutshell - Thanks for the straight-forward advice and always reminding people not to take life and themselves too seriously. And so the housemate turned lesbian falls in love with the tall, dark and handsome man and rides off into the sunset. The End Homeless JHB Dear Ken!, Well, I've written b4 telling you I wasnt getting any tongue round my pussy from my man.......well I've done summat a bit naughty. A male friend of mine asked me what my fantasy would be if it were him, so I told him, and of course it involved pussy licking. He knows my problem with my man and he took me to somewhere secluded and ate my pussy until I couldnt stand it any longer.......Ken, it was way out, I now have one very swollen, fat and satisfied pussy. There were no strings, and I just wanted to relive it and tell you at the same time. *heaven...I'm in heaven..." Extremely naughty, but nice

This just goes to show all you ingrates out there who hound me for a new column when I don't show for a week: even if Ken! isn't writing, Ken! is working his magic. There's nothing like a happy ending (except a happy ending with hot, hot monkey love). Congrats to everyone involved (including my readers who got to hear your tales of lust and joy). Ken!

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