December 29, 2003 Dorky Cock Blockers & The Reliable Twofer

Dear Ken!, I have a 6.5 inch penis erect. Is that considered small by most women? Anonymous :)

Dear Anonymous, Curious myself, I sought out research into the matter and discovered a great deal of pornography and very little research with hard numbers. (You try keying the words "hard" and "penis" into a search engine. I guarantee you'll see plenty of hard stuff, and it won't be numbers.) Only two studies speak directly to the question at hand. According to the Eagle Forum's groundbreaking 1999 study, "Is My Cock Too Small? Penis Size And The Western Woman", nothing short of "a John Holmes-dimensioned dong" qualifies as "sufficient in size according to 93% of female respondents". On the other hand, research by the Center For Men With Average-Sized Dicks indicates that 89% of all American women define any penis larger than 5.17 inches as "large". I dunno, Anonymous, it seems it depends on who you ask. Ken!

Hey YO, KEN I seem to have lost Barbie, Cuz a some dorky c*&k Blockers and jealous ploys and then some...I'm the kinda retarted dumb ass dat don' give up, even if it means makin a tesicle of myself or goin to jail. I went out wit dis girl a while a go and I was on a different wave length for a bit and forgot about trying to get to any bases and learn more about er and did her favors and sweet so I thought gesters. Would'nt you know it she starts on me about some boyfriend she's still in love wit and and and u no girls! So I kinda swallowed it being as how I got a thick stomack for all sorts a sht. Then I really liked her company and decides not to put it down...I said I'll real her back in cuz I no like to loze and I just DON"T so's I mailed and mailed and mailed till she finally gave in and we started talkin again and she has the bad habit of talkin about other guys which I really HATE not that I got a complex or somethin like penis envy Thank God he's been good to me. The problem a is she's on the other half of the globe but I invited her to come to the Olympics she agrees and then she says she's commin with that guy!! When she told me she was commin with me?!!? THen I made an issue of it and she says maybe...I also invited her to come see me in NY for the NEW YEAR after a bit she accepted of course I'm making the flight arrangements but what do I do?? What if she comes to the Olympics with that GUY? I swear KEN somebody whatch out I'm gonna go to jail man...How do I deal wit Barbie? Tenacious P

Dear Tenacious P, Sounds like this honey is as sure of a thing as a game of three card monty: you might as well hold on to your money because you can be sure you're going to get burned. Save the death grip for someone you love. Put your wallet away, toss her to the cock blockers and look for someone you don't have to mail and mail and mail just to get her to go out wit yous. Ken!

Dear Ken!, I am a High school Freshman, and in the first week of school, one of the senior freaks (red spiked hair, nose ring, but also tall and handsom) started going out with me, now he is my boyfriend. It is a totaly platonic relationship; although he does 'spread his oats' elsewhere, he always introduces me as his girlfriend. We make an odd couple at church. I recently got a crush on a 24 year old guy for no reason at all, (he is ugly, and not very successfull) and when I told this to my boyfriend, he got a little bit angry, but apologised right away. He told me he enjoyed going out with me and that he hoped we could continue doing so. The other guy does not care for me at all, and he makes me feel stupid for loveing him so much, but I can't help it... I think about him all the time. Spike is wonderfull to me, and really cheers me up whenever I see him. I feel like I'm being unfair to him. Is there any way I can get rid of my crush on that stupid bastard so that I can get on with my life? Lambda

Dear Lambda, Crushes are like the flu: you've got to steel yourself against the symptoms and just ride it out. Eventually you'll see his tattered and stained underwear show itself from the back of his pants or he'll tell you the story his friend in high school who had this pig... and poof, just like it descended the crush will lift and you'll be free once again. Ken!

Dear Ken! My fiance and I have been together for about 1 year and 6mths and we recently been having some problems. We just move in together, and we have been fighting alot. He was saying that all he does is try to make me happy and that no matter what he does I'm not happy. Something else concerning me, is that we got into this big conversation last night about sex, he's conerned about how he performs, and he doesn't feel that he performs properly because he can't get up more than once. And he was telling me that once he goes his body shuts off and there's nothing that will turn him on again. And that he's feeling like he's lost feeling on the head of his penis. could that be something medical or something different? Maria

Dear Maria, I don't know where your fiancée get his ideas about how a cock outta work but his expectations are far out of line. A fifteen year old boy can get it up twice, maybe three times reliably. Once his twenties hits, that reliable twofer becomes far less common. It seems to me that he's feeling rather insecure about your sexual relationship with him. Does he satisfy you? Does he know that? Ken!

Dear Readers, I’m rarely on the bottom like this, I know. The change is exciting, isn't it? These are the last words for 2003 and for some reason, whether it be moral or pharmaceutical, I feel responsible for saying something to wrap up 2003 and to kick off 2004. How about some questions to help us all define where we're at as a culture? How much lower can we go beyond "A Simple Life"? How is it that in a nation that consumes so much more than any other our own citizens must go without? If the terrorist attacks of 9/11/2001 wasn't enough to derail the American runaway train of mass consumer imperialism, what is? Is America any safer now that Saddam Hussein has been captured? And where, oh were, are those chemical and biological weapons that were pointing right at us, threatening us so mightily that it forced us to launch a pre-emptive strike on a nation halfway around the world? Happy New Year! Ken!

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